Beneath the Blazer (A Sebtana Fanfiction)

Chapter Five: Bad

If you are in any way triggered by cutting or suicide please skip this chapter. I will summarize in the next one without going into details. Stay strong & safe babes.

Kaitlyn

I jolted upright, tears streaming down my face. I opened my eyes, studying my surroundings. The messy Julliard dorm room was dark, I blinked at the figure standing across from my bed.

"Mate, are you alright?" I nodded sadly.

"Bad dream I guess" I whispered. I turned to the clock, 4:46AM.

"Sebastian, man, you need to get some help about this whole Santana thing. I don't know how or why but I really need you to make sure you're okay. This is getting worse each night and I'm concerned for your health and my sleeping habits." he said.

"Yeah, I will at a decent hour. I'm sorry to wake you" I whispered.

"Yeah, no problem man. It's going to be okay"

It'd been a month since Santana threw me out. I hadn't slept. I don't know why this is bothering me so much, it hasn't been this bad since Blaine. She's just a girl. But was she just a girl? I thought about her every day and I began to wonder if she thought about me, I doubted it. She hated me and everything to do with me and for all of the wrong reasons. I wish she would just hear me out.

I clicked on my phone, reading texts exchanged between Santana and I started to silently crying.

I'm sorry. Please just let me explain.

Santana I'm sorry.

Please..

I want to talk please just let me explain.

I think about you every day Santana. Do you still think about me?

I glanced down at her only response in the past two months. One short answer, enough to shatter my heart.

No.

If Santana didn't love me the way I loved her, i'd be hurting for a long time. I couldn't handle another Blaine incident and I knew that deep down Santana meant more to me than Blaine ever did. I dial her number, and wait for the answer on the other line. I repeated this five times and when there was no answer I felt another wave of hurt, this one laced with regret, despair and hopelessness.

I could not love myself and she could not love me, I was too much for one person to handle, including myself. I did not want to be around anymore, becoming a burden on person after person if and when someone decided to deal with me long enough to marry me. I couldn't wait to just belong to someone, for them to tell me what to do and what to like and dislike. That would be a great day for me.

I could not wait to get the hurt out, it was too much for me now and I could not handle this for years and years to come until one day when maybe things would be okay. Maybe. I felt sick to my stomach, I slinked out of bed and into the bathroom. I knew this was it, no more hurt, no more pain, no more Sebastian Smythe. I was too much for even myself to handle, I had no friends, no parents, no love life, no family. I was on my own, Rory probably thought I was a buzzkill and Santana couldn't even return my calls. I was not worth the skin I was in or the time I took up every day.

I slid the blade out again, looking at my tear stained cheeks in the reflection of the metal before I pressed it against my wrist. Ready to make more marks horizontally. I might live if I cut this way, I position it to cut vertically, slicing my skin open. Blood stains the counter, floors and my clothes as I weep. I do it again until my wrists are completely destroyed. Blood everywhere, my vision started to blur, from tears and the loss of blood. I couldn't even fathom what was happening. I just remember crying out before feeling nothing.

-

I was on a cloud, bounding towards everything I had ever wanted, a loving and supportive family, Santana and Blaine. Friends, family and love surrounding me with every step I took. This is what life should be. I should be happy, I looked down at my wrists, scars were not there and I felt content on the inside of my body. I felt happiness, the weight of the world lifted, and I, Sebastian Smythe felt whole. I never felt anything aside from sadness and despair. Fear that once took over my body was gone and I felt great about it.

-

The thoughts of the cloud and happiness were sadly disrupted by the beeps of the machines keeping me awake. I could not open my eyes and no matter how hard I tried to sit up, I could not feel my body moving even the slightest bit.

"So he can hear me?" I heard the sound of a familiar voice, I felt a pang in my chest when I heard the hollow sound of Blaine Anderson's voice in my head. I never thought that I'd hear the beautiful voice again, but here he was, sitting next to my head, speaking slowly. "Sebastian, I never knew you had these issues, I should have been there and I'm sorry I wasn't," I felt Blaine move in closer to my ear "better luck next time, you fucking prick"

-

I felt my body drop out of the sleep state I was in. I still could not see but I assumed sleeping in a coma-like phase is what just happened. I had a nightmare. "The patient can hear you, but we would recommend saying goodbyes now, we aren't sure if Mr. Smythe will ever recover from this. His parents say to drop life support if he does not improve in 1 week's time."

"So he's going to be gone?" I heard a high voice ask.

"Oh my God. I never thought-" A deeper voice said.

"I never thought that he'd-" Someone else said.

"Is it okay for me to be here?" Asked a female voice.

"Will Santana still come?" Asked another.

"I'm here, Britt" Said the voice of Santana Lopez "I got here as soon as I could."

"Guys! Are you alright?" Another female said.

"I never thought the glee family would return to each other like this" Said an older male.

"Mr. Hummel, Mr. Anderson, Mr. Abrhams, Ms Pierce, Mrs Fabray, Mrs Lopez, Mrs Berry and Mr Schuester, please exit the room while the family of the patient visit. You may return to the room in pairs of your choice when I give you the go ahead. Thank you"

This should be interesting.