Mad Woman✓

36. Epiphany

   TAYLOR

I wake with a start. I sit up and stare into the darkness of the room. Something happened. I don't know what, but something is going on. Was I dreaming? I squeeze my eyes shut.

My heart is slamming rapidly against my ribs and the quick beats make me feel nauseous. My back is covered in sweat. Something feels wrong.

I get out of the bed and tiptoe to the bathroom. I flick the lights on and look at myself in the mirror. My hair is messy, my eyes wild and my cheeks flushed. I drink a glass of water and try to calm down. I try to think.

I wet a washcloth with cold water and use it to wipe my face. I hear the soft noise of Joe getting out of bed.

"Taylor, are you alright?" he asks with a sleepy voice.

"Yeah", I say, but my voice shivers. "I'm fine."

He opens the door and looks at me. "What's wrong? You look stressed." He steps closer to me and places a hand on my cheek. "Nightmare?"

I shake my head. "I don't know, I don't think so... I just woke up like this. I don't know why or what's going on.. My heart's beating way too fast."

He inspects my face and sighs. "You feel like you have a fever, your skin is hot."

"Thanks", I grin. "I don't think it's a fever though."

"Did you drink too much wine tonight?" he jokes.

"Maybe a glass or two, but this- It just.. It's not a hangover... I have this restless feeling in my stomach and my chest feels tight and I don't understand why or where it's coming from."

"Maybe you should just try to go back to sleep", he suggests.

I nod. He is probably right. It is nothing. I probably just had a weird dream I forgot about...

But once we are back in bed, I am uncomfortable. I can't sleep like this. I sigh. "Joe, something is really going on."

He kisses my shoulder. "You want me to distract you?" he whispers. My muscles tense. That should help.

"Yeah", I mumble. "Distract me." His hand slides down my stomach and his fingertips tease my innerthigh as his lips suck on the skin over my collarbone. I close my eyes and try to revel in the feeling of his hot mouth and cool fingertips, but I am distracted by the agitated feeling in my stomach.

He pulls the collar of my nightgown down and kisses lightly over my breast.

"You're not enjoying it", he says.

"Something just feels off", I groan. I sit up and pull the nightgown back over my chest.

"We can try to find out?" he offers. I nod again and look at him in the dark. "Has it anything to do with me proposing to you?" he asks, vigilantly.

"What, no! I want to marry you", I say. "Don't ever say that ever again. That will never be true. I love you, I want to be with you forever-" He interrupts me by kissing me on my mouth.

"Okay. So it's not about us. Is it about the baby stuff we talked about tonight?"

"No...."

"Okay.." He thinks for a while and then grabs my hand. "Has it anything to do with Morris?" he asks softly.

I begin to shake my head, but finally just shrug my shoulders. "I don't know. This is not working. We should go to sleep."

"Taylor.." He looks at me. "You're worrying me."

I stare back at him and suddenly gasp. "I need to find a purse. It's yellow and quite big."

Joe frowns, but he follows me when I rush out of the bedroom and run down the stairs. I open every door and go through every room. My heart is beating faster and faster. I am starting to think that I have been imagining it.

"Morris was in this phase when we just started dating", I tell Joe as I look through the storeroom. "He was obsessed with hypnosis. He tried it once on me and it worked. I don't remember exactly, but he made me believe something that had never happened. A release of a book or something. It was innocent, I thought. But I did not even remember being hypnotised. I only know because he talked about it all the time. He was very proud of it.."

"Is this it?" he holds up a yellow purse. The sun has lightened its colour, but it is definitely the purse I am looking for.

"Yes", I say, taking it from him. I sit down on the floor and zip it open. A shiver runs down my body. This is it.

"Joe- I think that... What if he hypnotised me and made me believe something that had never happened?"

He stares at me. "Like killing your boyfriends." I nod slowly.

"Read it", I say, giving Joe a random letter from the handbag.

He carefully opens the envelope. Then he starts to read.

"You killed him. Another one. The second one. And it was easier than the first. You were surprised by how easy it was. The needle glistened in the dull light of the hotel room. The needle sunk into Frank's skin, right below the crease of the inside of his elbow. Your heart was hammering in your throat. You still feel the cold sweat in your neck, your hair sticking to your face. You remember so clearly how you could barely swallow, because your mouth was too dry. You are nervous, but it's the good kind of uneasiness. You remember feeling the glorious panic rushing in your blood. A feeling that you have learned to love. You feel powerful. This is much better than the torment he'll face if he lives. You remember it so well, Taylor. You will remember it forever, but you will not ever regret it. You wear a purple, lace nightgown. You bought it just for him, but now that you think about it, Morris would love this even more. He would-" Joe suddenly stills. "This is bullshit. And he even tried to make you think you still loved him, too."

I stare at the letter in his hands. Everything makes sense now. I somehow never knew where I got the morphine from. Or where I got the idea to use morphine from. There were so many gaps in my story. The morning I woke up, curled up to a dead boyfriend, I never had to clean up any morphine or needles or whatever. I never had to hide the morphine when I went on a flight. I never had a storage for it. Because I never had it. I never touched morphine in my life.

And the weird, longing feeling of wanting to be in Morris' arms. I never wanted to admit to myself that I thought of curling up to him and being with him after I 'killed' one of them... I know why now. I know now why Morris was so sure I would come back to him. That I still was in love with him.

He is a monster.

And all this does not change the fact that I shot a man in the head after he sold us our fake IDs. That does not change the fact that I have hurt the people that loved me. It does not mean I am completely innocent. But I did not kill anyone. The man I shot through the head survived. The people that loved me, forgot about me or are still here with me.

"I didn't do it", I finally whisper. I find Joe's eyes and grab his face. I chuckle. "I didn't do it.. Things never really made sense and I blamed it on an adrenaline rush or panic or anxiety... But they didn't make sense because they never.. they never happened."

He keeps staring at me. "Taylor, are you sure?"

"Yes", I say. "I am so sure...." I jump into his lap and wrap my body around his. A weird sound comes from his throat and I realise it's a cry of relief.

"You don't know how much weight you just lifted off my shoulders", he breathes. I look at his teary eyes. I had not realised how much stress I was still under. I thought I could finally breathe again, but it has never been this easy to breathe.