Mad Woman✓

37. Clean

   POV TAYLOR

It is almost five in the afternoon when I finally get home. After last nights revelation, I could not fall back to sleep. Joe couldn't either, so we spent until five in the morning reading the other letters. Around six, Draven and Grace came downstairs. Grace woke up with bad morning sickness and couldn't get to sleep anymore, so they had decided to sit downstairs. They found us in the kitchen and I told them everything.

I took a long shower and at nine, I stood at Dad's front door. After I showed him the letters and had a cup of coffee at his place, I went to Mom's. Austin was at home too and hugged me tighter than he ever had in his life before. I had lunch with them.

When I was on my way back home, I took a turn without thinking. It was the right decision, but it was scary anyway. I never wanted to see him again, and yet, there I was. At visiting hour at the prison. He looked bad. His face was unshaven and his hair greasy. Nineteen-year-old me would have cried seeing Morris like this. Twenty-seven-year-old me feels very jubilant having seen Morris like that.

I close the door behind me and take off my coat. Joe is in the kitchen, playing with Meredith with a red laser light.

"Hey", I say and I grab a coke from the fridge.

"I can't believe you actually did it", Joe says. He looks at me and he looks.. pissed. "I cannot fucking believe you went to see him."

"I just needed to tell him that I knew. I needed him to know that my life is perfect now, without him."

"You didn't need to do anything at all", he says, chucking the laser on the counter. "You didn't need to fucking see him. He ruined your life and you give him the.. the pleasure, the gratification of showing up there! I can't fucking believe this, Taylor!"

"I needed closure, Joe! I had to tell him, or I would never know peace. I needed him to know what I told him. And I needed to see him being miserable and agonised! And if you are here to tell me that's wrong, then go fuck yourself!" I shout back at him.

"I am allowed to tell you that I don't feel comfortable with you seeing him!" he howls.

"You're acting like I humped him and told him that I love him! I just went to see how fucked up he was!"

"You should have told me in advance! I would have come with you!"

"I didn't want anyone to come with me! I needed to do this alone."

"I can't fucking believe this. I cannot fucking believe you right now."

"And I can't fucking believe that you're doing this right now! I thought you would be proud of me standing up for myself."

"We both know you stand up for yourself very well."

"Fuck you, Joe." I turn around and run up the stairs. Hot tears are stinging in my eyes when I shut the door closed. I press the balls of my hands in my eyes to force the tears back, but it's not working. I slide down the door and wrap my arms around my knees. I never thought he would have responded like this. This is horrible.

I take a deep shaky breath and brush my hair from my face. I hate this. Even from prison, Morris ruins everything. Maybe Joe is right. Maybe I should have told him in advance. But I don't need to tell him everything I do. It is not like he can control my life now that Morris has finally stopped- No. He's not trying to control my life. This is Joe. My favourite person in the whole wide world. The love of my life. One of the reasons Morris is in prison.

Morris kidnapped him and held him captive, for God's sake.

Joe is wrong for this, but he is doing it because he loves me. He cares about me.

There is a soft knock on the door, but I say nothing. I bite my lips to avoid a sob escaping my throat. "Baby, I'm so sorry... This must have been so terrifying for you.. I was just- When I got your text, I got so concerned. I was so worried... And I freaked myself out and I took it out on you. I am so, so sorry baby.... Love, please open the door.. Let me hold you, baby...."

I slowly get up and open the door. "I don't like you like that", I tell him. "I hate you like that, actually."

"Me too", he mumbles. "I am so so sorry, so sorry...."

"It's okay", I say. "This isn't us.."

"No, it's not... Let's never do this again", he breathes.

"Never again."

"What did he say?" he asks after a long silence.

"Not much... He was just sitting there, staring at me with this weird look in his eye... He looked actually miserable. It made me feel so good."

"I'm glad you feel good about this. And how did your parents respond?" he asks.

"My dad almost killed me in a bearhug, and so did my brother. Mom gave me a kiss and told me she always believed in me. I finally- Joe, I feel so free right now... I think I am finally clean."