The weight of love

If only I didn't (17)

It had been a week already since our night in New York City, I still hadn't talked to Josh and Sam about the things that had happened but I planned to. Time flew by and I felt like I couldn't get a hold of it and find  the right moment for it. Life was going on, even if I wasn't ready. It felt like sand in my hands, giving everything to keep it in it, but still managing to escape from my grasp. 

We had planned a lot for the upcoming concert, I had gotten a deal with a record label, that would offer me the possibility to release an album if I wrote two good songs in the next 3 months. I would be opening their concert in LA. 

The fact that had actually worked out blew my mind. When the dream you had secretly chased your whole life finally becomes reality you feel like you've been floating in a bubble of soap your whole life and you finally managed to get out, finding the life you had always dreamed of and seeing it for what it really is and not just through a veil. Or how Josh would say "through the broken glass".

The concert would be in a month and a half and I was supposed to meet up with a band today to rehearse and to figure out what to play. I already had a few songs in mind, classics like "still loving you and stairway to heaven". I was really curious about our upcoming meeting. Unfortunately I couldn't convince anyone to come with me, they all said that I needed to bond with the band and that I needed to figure out things like this by myself. The most willing to come with me was surprisingly Jake, but the others convinced him not to.

So now I was on my way to a studio, forced to do it on my own. As I walked to the building I saw 4 boys standing outside smoking. I walked over to them and, who I supposed was the lead guitarist, shook my hand and introduced himself. He was very polite but I could never imagine spending my free time with him. It was just business. 

We immediately started playing some of the songs I had chosen, figuring out in which key we should play them and how to change them up to give them some original touch. They had great ideas and were really easy to work with. Instead of just rehearsing one hour and a half, like planned, we played nearly 4 hours, doing different songs. 

Afterwards I went back home. Life was going so fast and all I just wanted was to live the moment and it had gotten easier and easier for me. Life had always been difficult, everyone had to deal with their problems and I felt like I had to deal with tons of them. But I was living my best life right now and I had almost forgotten how the bad day felt like. It was like they were never there.

The weeks before the concert flew by, I had met up with Greta Van Fleet countless times to party but also to organize everything for the performance. Because of this I hadn't really gotten some alone time with Josh and Sam. This had given me a lot of time to think about who I needed to talk to, with whom I needed to end whatever we had going on. It had been a tough decision, but I had made it and I was ready to share it with Josh and Sam. I just didn't really know when. I didn't even know if it made sense to do it before or after the concert. Somehow knowing that I had to talk with them made me only feel worse so I planned on doing it as soon as possible. 

That was when I saw it. Jake had posted a selfie with Sam and Josh on his private instagram account and had written the address under it. They all had drinks in their hands and were grinning at the camera. Danny wasn't in the picture, I assumed that he was home with Mackenzie. I felt like that was the universe telling me that this was the right moment to tell them. I didn't really know how, but I needed to get it off my chest before performing, since the concert was already in 4 days.

I put on one of my favorite dresses, it was beige with long large sleeves. The dress reached my ankles and made me taller than I was. I loved the way it hugged my body and kissed my skin. It was one of those dresses that always managed to make me feel comfortable in my body. I grabbed my purse and made my way towards the place. I had never heard of it, that is why I had to use google maps. 

It was easy to find the place, even though it wasn't in one of the most safest neighbourhoods. I wondered what they were doing here. On one of the doors there was written "exclusive club" and I thought that maybe I would have problems entering, but there wasn't security at the door. As soon as I walked inside I made my way towards the biggest room. 

This place was nothing like expected, I kept staring at the detailed ceiling and at the enormus chandelier. The floor was covered with  a beautiful red carpet . This place was screaming elegance from all of its pores. I would have thought that it was a gourmet restaurant if it wasn't for the dark shadows on the settee. They were playing an addictive game to watch, almost dancing on each other. 

It suddenly hit me what Jake, Sam and Josh were doing here. I just hoped I was wrong, even though it wasn't probable. What else would they be doing here, I thought as a lady walked past me sliding her hand across my waist. I suddenly felt so small in this chaos, everyone knew what they wanted here except for me. 

I let my gaze wander around spotting them only a few seconds later. It wasn't my eyes that intercepted them, it was my ears, their sharp laughter was the thing that got to me. It felt as though I wasn't there, but at the same time was. I could see Josh and Sam kissing two beautiful women, even though tears were covering my sight. I could hear them laugh while these young courtesans were sucking on their necks in the exact spot I had, even though a shrill ringing had filled my head. 

Both of the two boys I had grown really close to were out here making out with two prostitutes. And the only guy out of the three who I wasn't depreately in love with was just sipping on his glass eying another woman. I finally understood why Danny hadn't joined them to party or why they hadn't asked me to party with them. 

I ran out of the "exclusive club" crying. I almost couldn't walk because the mental shock had caused some physical effects as well. 

"Feet don't fail me now
Take me to your finish line"

It was getting harder and harder to walk, I couldn't see the road anymore, only that disgusting scene playing in my mind over and over again. The harder I tried to push it away the stronger it came back setting roots in the deepest parts of my mind.

"Oh my heart it breaks every step that I take"

Breathing was becoming difficult, I didn't know what to do, what to think. The only thing that was clear is that I needed to get away from here the faster I could. Criminals wouldn't hesitate to take advantage of a lost girl like me and I seriously didn't want to wait and see what would happen.

Walking through the city streets
Is it by mistake or design?
I feel so alone on a Friday night

I had never felt more alone in my entire life, not even after my parents had died. I had based my whole present on these guys and now I just felt an incredible sense of regret. I kept talking to myself trying to reassure myself and tell me that everything was going to be fine.

"Don't make me sad, don't make me cry
Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough, I don't know why
Keep making me laugh
Let's go get high
The road is long, we carry on
Try to have fun in the meantime"

It didn't work and the only thing that gave me the strength to walk back home was my self preservation, even though I didn't know how much it would take for it to disappear.