The weight of love

Day 1 (18)

The only possible way to describe last night was by saying it was hell. I obviously hadn't heard from the boys, in fact to prevent that I had turned my phone off. After that I went to bed, still dressed and still wearing makeup. I hadn't gotten much sleep, tears had flooded and almost drowned me. 

After one of the worst nights of my life I felt as though I had been running a marathon the whole night and was gasping for poisoned air. I had to force myself out of bed, it was one of the hardest things ever. When my parents died getting out of bed had always been one of my biggest problems. Life would be so much easier if I just stayed in there. Forever. Leaving everything and everyone behind, letting my pain swallow me and devour me from inside out.

But I didn't. I wasn't hungry but I made myself breakfast and a new wave of pain hit me as I was eating it. Tears mixed with the milk I was drinking and the cereal I was eating. I finished my entire bowl while crying and didn't stop for a few hours. I picked up my book, but my swollen and burning eyes didn't even allow me to finish a sentence. That made me cry even more and a few seconds later I was desperately sobbing, trying to cry as quietly as possible, but my heavy breathing didn't help. 

During that exact moment I felt like everything in my life was destined to become terrible. Nothing ever worked out the way I hoped it would. The thing I thought was the best thing that had ever happened to me turned out to be the one of the worst. The sense of betrayal was consuming me from the inside. I had trusted them and they had turned their backs on me, even Jake who was completely out of this whole story. 

I needed a distraction, normally music was the perfect thing and I usually loved to listen to Greta Van Fleet whenever I felt sad or angry or numb. But now I just couldn't. I grabbed the remote of my tv and put on a random movie on Netflix. I tried to pay attention to it, but it was too exhausting. I stood up and grabbed myself a lot of chocolate, even though I wasn't hungry.I kept eating til I felt so disgusted in my own skin that I almost wanted to throw up. I zoned out during the moments I wasn't crying.

My mind was filled with cotton candy, slowly melting and destroying my brain with it.

Time flew by painfully slowly and also really fast. The hole I felt in my chest had spread all over my body, so by the time I went back to bed I felt physical pain all over my body. The psychological pain was worse, though. I refused to believe what I had seen, even though I knew it was true. 

The day had passed with me crying, staring at my tv and eating to distract me from my surroundings, if only it had worked for just a second. 

A funny thought crossed my mind, before I fell asleep. They had completely messed up the title of one of their best songs. The song shouldn't be called "the weight of dreams". Oh no, It should have been called "the weight of love", because it was a way heavier weight. And I was getting crushed by it.