Twisted MC-Devin & Nicole

Chapter Twenty Seven-Nicole

I know I shouldn't be, but I'm so amazed at how much I truly miss him. We've been pretty consistent staying in touch, with text messages and FaceTime; we even had phone sex a few times, too. Ugh...so damn hot!

Until recently...

Sitting in my office, staring out at the rain, I'm feeling like I have a hole in my chest. I haven't heard from Devin at all this week, and we don't do that. Ever. I know a week isn't much time, but it seems like forever to me. Am I overreacting? Maybe...but...maybe not. I don't know but what I do know is that it's starting to make me crazy, and the person that this is turning me into is not someone that I like. Every time my phone rings or dings with a notification, my heart starts racing, hoping it's him, and then I'm left with disappointment when it's not.

The thoughts going through my head are not pretty, either. Is he ok? Is he stressing? Did he decide to mend things with her, and he feels so bad that he can't tell me? I can't say I blame him; I mean, she is the mother of his child. But, at least have the courtesy to tell me what's going on! And then I have worse thoughts...did he sleep with her and that's why he can't call me? So, not only is he busy with his little family, but he feels guilty because they had sex.

I stand up and begin pacing around my desk.

That thought alone has my stomach in knots. I go back and forth with just texting him to make sure he's ok. But then again, maybe this is the space he needs, and I should leave him alone. Shit...I don't know what I should do, but I know I need to go home right now. I can't sit in this office for another minute, so I'm packing up and heading to the comfort of my own space. And then it hits me. Just text him dammit!

*Hi...just checking in...it's unusual not to hear from u for this long... I hope ur ok*

Hitting send, I toss my phone onto the desk, like it's burning my hand. Then, staring at it, I wait.

It says delivered, but no response yet. I wait a few minutes but still nothing, so I pick up my stuff and head to my car.

Pulling up to my house, I take my phone out to check again...nothing.

Heading inside, I strip my clothes off as I walk upstairs to the shower, feeling like I'm in a daze. The shower rain does nothing to ease my discomfort as I stand there for what seems like hours, just letting the water flow down my body. I finish up in the bathroom, put on some leggings and a tank top, grab a glass of wine, and head to my deck. Taking my phone with me, just in case...you know? And then there's a moment of euphoria when the top of my phone says, 'Devin is typing'...oh my God! Then it goes away and returns and goes away again. I stare at it, waiting, but it never comes back.

I'm almost in tears.

Bugs are biting me now. It's dark and late, so I pick up my glass and head inside. Climbing into my bed, I decide to call Sydney. I glance at the time. It's 1 o'clock in the morning...late for me to call her, but she'll talk to me anyway because she'll know something's wrong.

"Hey, Syd."

A sleepy Sydney responds, "Girl...what's going on? What's wrong?"

And it all rushes out at once. "Syd, I need you to help me through this...I haven't heard from him...it's been a week...we don't EVER go that long...I feel like I have anxiety...I don't know what's going on." She doesn't say anything, so I go on. "Solomon kind of warned me about Lauren and Devin, how she pushes his buttons, and sometimes he needs space to handle things." I pause, "But my mind has gone to a million different reasons why he hasn't contacted me, and I don't like what I'm coming up with. Please help me, what do I do?"

She inhales deeply, holds it for a second, and then releases the breath, "Ok Nicole, listen, Devin is so in love with you. He loves YOU, Nic. So, whatever it is that's happening out there, he's trying to deal with it, and I'm sure, all the while, he has you in his thoughts. Honey, I can't imagine that Devin would do anything to deliberately hurt you or mess things up between you. Maybe he's just having a rough time. That girl really is a piece of work, Nic...we all wondered why he stayed with her as long as he did. Have you tried contacting him?"

Closing my eyes, I reply in almost a whisper. "Yes, I did this afternoon. I could see when he was typing a couple of times, but he never sent anything back."

"Well..." she pauses a little too long. "Maybe he's feeling a little torn," she stops and takes a deep breath in again.

"Apparently, Lauren really wants them to be a family. She wants them to try and work things out. I really didn't want to tell you this, Nic, because I was really hoping that Devin could easily work through this, but it doesn't seem that way."

My breathing stops.

Is he...feeling torn? Oh my God, maybe Syd is right. Devin is torn between being an actual family with her and Ethan or being with me. The headache that's been threatening me all day hits full force, and I begin rubbing my temples, trying to absorb what Sydney just explained. He's torn, and it's because of me. I've made things harder for him. I feel like I've been punched in the gut, like I want to be sick. I can't stand in the way of his family; I won't do that to him.

Sighing deeply, "Well...at least now I have an idea of what might be going on. Thanks for enlightening me."

Sadness is taking over; I have a hard time keeping it out of my voice.

"Oh honey, it's going to be ok. Do you want me to come over?"

Almost choking back a sob, my voice is shaky now, "No, I'll be alright. I just need some sleep. Thanks, girl. I love you."

"Nicole, it's going to be ok, you're going to be ok. Do you understand me? You will make it through this. I love you more, honey...I'll call to check on you later."

I can't even respond...ending the call, I reach to turn off the light and just lay there. The room is only illuminated by the lights outside my window and the clock beside my bed. I stare up at the ceiling; the pain I was feeling before...it's even harder now. Warm tears start to fall, sliding down into my hair.

How is this happening? What am I supposed to do now? Another relationship that I thought would be around for the long haul. Maybe it's me. Maybe I need to take some time to evaluate...what I really want. Tears are flowing faster now.

Right now, I can't even think about what I want because all I want is him. I need him. The sob that comes from my throat doesn't sound like me. It's a sound that I don't think I've ever heard before, and I can't stop it...it keeps coming again and again until sleep eventually takes me under.