Broken Pieces

06. As long as i could still see you.

Lian felt his world moves in  slowmotion. A day felt like forever to him. While every second feels like torture. He sneered everytime at himself for being such a failure.

He's already so old, but can't even understand the problem.

Even now, he still have no idea what the fuck happened between him and Kuea. He didnt know what his fault was, while Kuea just couldnt care less.

He was left to overthink by himself while Kuea continue living, as if Lian was nonexist. Completely erased from his mind.

Today, marked the 5th months since his father's Sae Yid. He havent talked to Kuea for months, it feels unreal to him.

Everynight, he was alone in his room, tired after all the work he have had done for the day. The loneliness hits him in a very uncomfortable way. It hurts as hell, to be alone, to be clueless.

The conflicted feeling he had everytime he stares at his own phone. His hesitation and fear he bear when he saw Kuea's contact information. It was all overwhelming to Lian.

He walked to the bathroom and stood in front of the vanity, staring at his own reflection in the mirror.

He admitted, Yi was right. There's no longer an imposing Lian exist in it. He looked haggard. 

I must have lost a few pounds —he thought, before splashing some water to his face.

He coldness of the water greats his skin. For the second time, he looks at his reflection noticing a few drops of water moving on it while his mind went through a storm.

He gently slapped both side of his face to slap some sense back to his mind before leaving the narrow space. Bed was his destination.

Phone in his hand, he laid himself on the bed. Laying down on bed after a long day should be nice, right? Right– but not for Lian. The loneliness came back and slapped him hard in the face.

"Damn it, Nu Kuea i missed you.." he mumbles to himself before his finger moved swiftly on his phone's screen, opening a folder full of Kuea's photos from their childhood until now.

Yes, now.

Lian was one of Gemini's sponsor, and Jay as an owner was kind enough to send his beloved's candid photos once in a while to him. This sounds like what a creep would do. He knew it. But he cant help it.

He missed Kuea so damn much. But Kuea dont even want to talk to him. Kuea even went as far as blocking Lian. And Lian himself have decided to put a distance between them. Because he knew Kuea was uncomfortable with him.

He cant be stubborn. He cant force Kuea to do things his way. He cant confront Kuea, because he loves him. He'd rather torture himself for Kuea. Even a genius can be quite dumb sometimes. Thats what Lian thought. He sneered yet again.

His eyes was fixed on his phone when a new notification arrived. It was again, from Jay. He clicked it as fast as lightning, and as expected it was his Kuea's photos. Or he should say Kirin's photos.

Below it was texts from Jay saying:

"Your fiancè will be performing again tonight. Are you sure you didnt want to come, Khun Sponsor?"

Lian wanted to curse. Kuea looked good with his red shirt and leather jacket as he prepared the stage with some of the club's staff. To be honest, he badly wanted to watch Kuea. He missed him after all.

But he have promised himself to stop bothering Kuea for good. Unlucky for him though, because his desire to see his loved one is apparently to strong to refuse. He cant help himself but go.

He put on his most casual fit, a band shirt he loved to wear during college and a black trouser to match it. He drove his eye-catching yellow sports car to Gemini.

***

8 p.m. Gemini was next to his 'Pentagon'. Both are equally crowded daily. Friday is the only exception, as the crowd would swarmed to Gemini. Of course this was due to Kirin's appearances. Everybody love to see him on the stage, and Lian was one of them.

He walked in to Gemini in a calm manner, contrast with the rest's excitements. He noticed Jay's figure in a bar alone, secluded from the guests with a glass of booze in front of him. He made his way towards him before sat next to the man.

When Jay noticed the one sat next to him, he smiled, reaching his hand onto the man's shoulder.

"I know you would come tonight, Khun Lian." Jay said as he glanced at the bartender.

"Get me a glass of red wine for this gentleman." Added him which then earn himself a nod from the bartender. Jay turn to look at Lian again.

"I've ordered a drink for you, Khun. Also, your usual table there is ready." Said Jay as he pointed out an empty table in an inconspicuous place. Lian mumbled "mm.." as he nods his head a bit.

He rose from his seat, and walked to the said table. He sat there, closed his eyes. Ignoring the messy crowd dancing and drinking around him and only opened his eyes when he heard Kuea or Kirin's voices.

He smiles, he was so ready to listen to his loved one again. He took a glance at the once empty table that was now filled with a glass of red wine ordered by Jay earlier.

He took a sip of it, feeling the warmth tranferred from his throat to his stomach, while his ears and eyes are all on Kirin.

He thought, even if only from afar, he's willing, as long as he could still see Kuea. His Kuea.

———