How To Stay Afloat (BxB)

Chapter 33: shame

Okay. First, I need to get as far away from Noah as possible and then I can take a deep breath and figure out what to do.

Where's Austin? I'm pushing through the crowd, trying to find the balcony. He's probably waiting there for me.

Noah is following right behind me, telling me to wait up. I kissed Noah. I kissed him back. How did this happen?

I finally reach the glassdoor leading to the balcony. Of course I try to pull the door open, despite the big 'push' sign.

"Hey, stop running away." Noah says as he catches up with me. "I'm freaking talking to you!"

I look outside and spot Harry and Kevin still lost in a discussion and Austin standing next to them, leaning against the railing, talking to Cathy.

"What?" I ask Noah angrily and turn around.

"Are you okay?" He asks me for the hundredth time probably. "Are we cool?"

I'd love to jump off that balcony if it meant I didn't have to face all the crushing guilt I'm feeling right now.

"No, I'm not. But I'd feel a lot better if you left me the fuck alone." I shout.

It's all his fault. This wouldn't have happened if he wouldn't have followed me into the stupid toilet. I'd never kiss him, he kissed me, not the other way around. And apart from his ugly beard, he looks kinda like Austin. That's the problem. My mind switched them up. Yes. That's what happened. I kissed him back because I imagined it was Austin.

Did I even kiss him back? He can't have been kissing me for minutes if I didn't kiss him back. I must have done that.

I'm so confused.

"I'm not gonna tell anybody, but can we please just talk about what just happened?" He asks me and grabs my upper arm. His grip on my arm is uncomfortably strong and I can feel his nails digging into my skin.

"Ouch. Ouch." I yell as he pulls me aside to an empty corner so we can talk a little more privately.

"Because you make it look like I did something that you didn't want, although you clearly enjoyed it." He says, still holding my arm, pressing down. "I don't need you to start accusing me of stuff that never happened, you understand?"

"Ouch. Nothing happened." I exclaim. "You thought you could kiss me because I don't know, I sent wrong signals? I'm not- this- nothing happened." Why are his fingers so strong? He's squeezing my arm so hard. I bet he'd be a good climber with this iron grip he has.

"Wrong signals? The signals were pretty clear to me." He argues, raising his eyebrows, pinching my arm harder.

He lets go of my arm and grabs my waist instead, pushing me against the wall, digging his fingers into my skin under my shirt. The look on his face looks murderous.

He's scaring me. That look on his face is haunting.

"Okay, I sent signals I shouldn't have." I correct myself. "Just don't ever mention this again. It never happened." I tell him.

"What never happened?" He asks and then finally releases his grip on my waist.

"The kiss." I yell.

"What kiss?" He asks me jokingly.

"Oh okay." I say when I realize what he's doing. "Good thing we settled this. I gotta go." I rub my arm where he grabbed it and then turn away from him.

"One more thing." Noah says and grabs my elbow. I squeeze my eyes shut as he pulls me back to him once more. What now?

"Stop crying, you pussy." He says and wipes away the tears on my cheeks.