hostage || l.t ✔️

eighty seven

Louis Tomlinson
After yesterday, I can't stop thinking about her. She is constantly on my mind and I don't know why. To every question why, she is my because, because I would do anything for her.

I'm scared of how I feel for her, because I don't know how to feel. But yesterday I've never been intimate with anyone like that before, and she was my first time for that. I've never been more happy to be with her, but I feel so selfish.

The way she eats is a little nibble.

The way she talks is like music to my ears, and her voice is always soft.

The way her hair feels in my fingers, soft and long.

The way she looks at me, only makes me want to crumble into nothing.

The way she talks about things, so gently.

The way she cares about me.

The way she treats Cherry.

The way she sees the bad in a good way.

The way her eyes light up when she sees me genuinely smiling.

The way she makes me happy.

The way I actually like waking up in the morning.

The way she looks, it's like a flower that was still blooming in the spring.

The way she says my name, either in a soft tone or whisper.

The way she laughs gives me butterflies.

The way she makes me stop thinking about anything.

The way she stopped me from chain smoking.

The way she holds me when I need her.

The way she smells everyday, a natural scent.

The way she treats people.

The way she concentrates, her tongue poking out from her lips.

The way her lips feel all over me.

The way I want to keep her for myself.

All of these things make me the way I am today, and it's all because of her.

I've locked myself in the locked room, for about an hour just thinking of her.

Of London.

The way her names sounds, rolling of my tongue is like it's naturally meant to be. I just want to know what it is I'm feeling. I don't know why I feel this way for her.

She's been living here with me for 7 months now, maybe even more. The photos I've got of us together are now permanently in my head. I don't know who to ask, I'm scared to admit these things.

I like my name, only when she says it.

I like my hair, only when she plays with it.

I like my eyes, only when she looks in them.

I like my tattoos only when she touches them.

I like my body, only when she touches it.

I like my life, because she's in it.

I like not smoking, because she stopped me.

I like not being high because she taught me I don't have to be high to feel things.

I like my cologne, only because she wears it on my shirts.

I like myself...only because she does.

These have been invading my thighs for over an hour now, and I don't know what it means. Like I said, she's constantly on my mind. And I hate it.

I don't deserve to feel this about her. She doesn't deserve anything this world has to offer for her. She's literally an angel from heaven and she got stuck with me, the devil from the wrong side of the tracks.

I was broken, and I had no feelings for anything or anyone. But she's taught me that I need to be better, and everyone can see it. My heart just melts when she hugs me, kisses me, touches me, and I realise I trust her with my life.

She doesn't deserve to be in my life. I sound bad for saying that but she deserves a life where she's not forced to do anything, where she can giggle at serious situations, make mistakes without getting a punishment, a loving partner for her, a family.

I've taken all of that away from her and I feel selfish for it. She deserves to grow up happy, and having her here is not the way to do it. I want her to be the best person I know she can be, because I think everyone needs a London in their life.

I have to let her go.

Saying that pains me but it's true, I don't deserve to push her around anymore. She doesn't deserve anyone to push her around, and I'm the only one that can stop that from happening.

But I'm to god damn selfish that I don't want her to leave. I don't want to share her with anyone, I don't want her to cry, I don't want her to feel unhappy or sad. I want her to be happy, I want her to have friends she can go out with, I want her to have whatever she wants in her life. And I'm not the one to do it.

I think I've actually fallen in love with her.

Shudder. I shudder at the words. I've never been taught to love anyone or anything. I grew up in this world, and I'm used to it. But she didn't, and I know it pains her she can't text, call or see her friends.

I wanted her to smile today. And I was going to make it happen hopefully. If I do love her, then I have to let her go, she doesn't need to know I love her, but she can live the life she wants.

I want her to grow up with a boy. I want her to fall in love with him. I want her to forget me. I want her to have her own family one day, with someone who wants a family.

I can't give that to her...because I'm to much of a selfish prick to bring myself to do it.

She's better off without me. And she needs to know it. I pull a form out of me desk drawer and gulp.

I _________ have full ownership of _______ and I wish to send them back to where they came from.

I shakily wrote my full name, and hers, in the gaps. I felt my eyes water even just filling this form out. I fill out the rest, ticking and crossing boxes as to why I want to sign her out of my name.

I Louis Tomlinson have full ownership of London Reed and I wish the send them became where they came from because ____.

Because she doesn't deserve me. I want to write but Harrys father will see this so I know I can't write that.

Because I no longer need her anymore.

I wrote in there. I scribble my name in a signature, and all I need is hers. I can just imagine her face when she sees how she's going to go home. Oh my god the thought alone made me smile.

I coke out the room and see her coke from the bed and when I look into the hallway, she was feeding Cherry. I close the door and take a deep breath.

"Het you," she smiles, hugging me and I smile instantly, feeling my whole body relax onto hers.

"Hey," I smile. She pulls her head back and puckers her lips. I press my thin lips to her plump ones and when we pull away, a loud slow smack was there.

"What's that?" she hops onto the counter and I look down, breathing out.

"Um.." I breathe. "Good news...That's what,"

She furrows her brows. I wasn't prepared for this at all.

//
my heart 🥲🫶