dead girls don't love [dgdl]

chapter 23 \e

ASHNA KNEW IT WAS THIS MOMENT she fell in love with Ivan.

She knew it was just then that she had given herself to him, and she could feel it in the timid beating of her heart, the dryness of her throat and the bizarre feeling that was holding her.

This moment when he was sitting on a stone stair at the hill and she was sitting beside him after she had almost cried, only whispering "a cousin," not even looking towards him. Her voice was shaky, her reddened eyes teary.

Ivan was standing a foot away from her, at a spot from where the entire city could be seen. Yet there were only desolate roads and empty lands. He had said nothing before he held her by the shoulder closer to him and shushed her, very calmly. 

He smiled at her as they walked a few stairs down and sat. Ashna swallowed.

Ivan had something in him, because of the way he looked at her, with so much love, not pity, not blame, only love and acceptance as if she was still that chaste and lovely to him as she was before. Even his silence was coaxing.

The moment replayed on a loop in Ashna's mind as she lay on her bed, her room only lit by the shimmer of the fairy lights, trying to sleep but only thinking of those five seconds of Ivan's toothy smile.

'So beautiful.' Ashna's heartbeat inside her, in a way it never has. Ivan was laughing as he told her a tiny tale of her sister and himself, to bring a change of subject and calm Ashna.

And Ashna could not take her eyes off of him.

The way he smiled was flawless to her, his laugh seemed ethereal at that moment as the cold winds blew, leaves of the numerous tall trees rattled and the weather took on a sultry veil, with clouds dancing in the sky and turning darker to pour down.

But Ashna felt lighter, more relieved and free. Free from the stigma, the trauma, the pain of being used, discarded and forgotten like an unworthy human being.

She had started to accept that the darkness was going to stay with her forever, that no light could pull her out of the dark hole. She never knew that a man's acceptance and love for her could twist things almost unravel.

She never imagined that there was a shimmer waiting for her, to let loose of the tightness always grasping her heart, the taunting and horrifying insecurities pushing her to the limits of self-loathing.

Ashna pulled a pillow closer to herself hugging it as the day replayed in her mind, so eventful and yet all she continuously thought of was his smile, his words, his gesture, his little side hug,  his acceptance for her — Ivan, Ivan, and Ivan.

A smile, sweeter, happier and most beautiful came up on her face, cheeks tinted pink as her body burnt. Ashna sighed. She accepted what she knew and felt in every beat of her heart.

Ashna was in love with Ivan.

~

The morning came with scintillating shimmers of gold sneaking in through the glasses of the windows of Ashna's room. Birds chirped, and there was not much noise on the road as the day had just begun.

Ashna woke up lazily, her hair messed up, and her face a little swollen from the deep sleep she had. She could not remember the last time she had slept so soundly, without overthinking and worrying.

Early morning, she was already irritated with the red coming through her. Periods are sworn enemies of Ashna, it's on the happiest and most important days that they have to make a mark. Bitches.

Cheerful Ashna was greeted with deafening silence today. Every other day, she was greeted with his father's soft and sweet "good morning, beta" which he had somehow tried to not let go, after everything that happened, when he had let go of his most lovely daughter — Ivanya.