Shatter me

hot showers

TW: mentions of self harm and scars

Meredith greys POV
I take several deep breath's before walking into the small room which is full of cubbies. I see Cristina tying her shoe laces while arguing with April who happens to be snacking on a slice of jam toast. Which is pretty typical. Extremely typical.

'Meredith!' April gestures over to me. I place a small forced smile on my lips before walking over to both her and Cristina.

I cant wait for them to leave. I cant wait to finally get a moment of peace. Ive just had a 17 and half hour shift with only 2 hours of sleep the night before. So yeah. I cannot wait to get a moment of peace.

'Mer, tell April its weird to still sleep with a stuffed teddy at 16, our cardio patient still sleeps with a worn out teddybear from when they were 5. Thats not normal is it?' Cristina asked, shes pretty confident that its wired. I on the other hand think its sweet but I wouldn't dare disagree with Cristina. So instead of agreeing or disagreeing i simply shrug my shoulders and laugh at the two of them bickering. I slowly and carefully place my things in the cubby and hear two pages go off. Cristinas and Aprils. I watch as the two April walk out still bickering.

All of a sudden. The room was quiet, peaceful.

'Finally' i sigh to myself.

Before i start what im about to do i double check the room is empty. It is. Wonderful.

I gracefully grab myself a fresh pair of scrubs from my cubby and walk over to the showers, i place my stuff on the side before locking the door. I let out a breath i was unaware i was holding. My eyes squeezed shut as i feel a spell of dizziness throughout my weak body. A few minutes pass and i slowly feel my body start dragging itself over to the shower. My hand turns the hot tap on full, the cold water starts to pour out. I walk myself over to the cabinet where a mirror stands in-front of me. I hate mirrors. As im waiting for the water warm up, i take off my clothes, ever so slowly but fast enough that all i can see is my stick like figure in the reflection and it makes me feel sick. I place my hands around my stomach trying to cover myself, almost as if my hands will protect me from myself.

What does protect me is the the condensation. As it takes over the room and the mirror blurs itself out.

'Thank god.' I mumble to myself.

I grab my conditioner and shampoo and i walk into the scalding hot water. I feel myself stand completely still when my body is evenly centred with the hot water. Ever so quickly It burns my pale skin and I let out a sigh of relief. The feeling of the boiling hot water hitting my sensitive pale skin brings me some sort of comfort. I don't know why, but i love it. I stay in this position for a good 5 minutes before I gradually start wash my hair. A lavender shampoo and conditioner was being held firmly in my shaking hand.

As im rubbing the Shampoo around my hair i sneeze. This causes my Shampoo to fall down my forehead and into my eyes already weak eyes. I start to feel My eyes burn but i carry on with my shower as if it never happened because i truly believe i deserve the pain. I begin to wash the products out of my blonde hair. I let our another sneeze which makes my head jolt forwarded. I give up on holding if up and just lean it down. Meaning im now looking towards the floor, my eyes wonder across the showers floor for a moment but then land on myself and my wounded body. My eyes still refuse to believe what they saw beneath them and took another look down at the scarred body.

I get snapped out of my thoughts when i hear someone walk closer to the door. That Someone then nocks on the locked door. 'Meredith grey, are you in here?' It questions, leaving me yet another couple of nocks on the door.

For fuck sake.

''Yes i am'  i start to say and as i lift my head up i start to feel dizzy. My head starts to spin and i feel my knees getting weak.

Please don't pass out. Please don't pass out.

'Dann it,' the voice lets out in a small whisper. 'Go home Meredith!' The voice yells before walking away.

'Mm, im going to go home soon...' i feel my knees go numb and with that my poor body collapses onto the heated white floor with a crash.

I feel myself drifting in and out on conciseness, i try my hardest to move away from the boiling water so i don't get noticeable burns on my already scared body. I cant handle the thought of everyone starting at me wondering how my body got burned badly. Im able to lean myself agents the far wall of the shower before i fall unconscious.

- 3 hours pass -

Crap, how long was i out for? The water was still running which means no one noticed i was out. That makes sense, no one cares i don't know eng i even thought they would. I slowly start to feel less and less groggy.

'At least im conscious now.' I exhale as i pull myself into the stone cold water. I turn off the tap and get my towel to dry my almost died hair.

'Whatever.'

I am now Standing in front of the mirror and i start to get into my slightly damp scrubs. I mean its not like anyone will know i stayed here instead of going home. I just had a somewhat nap in the shower, so i don't need to go home to gets some sleep before my next shift.