Shatter me

Scalding hot showers.

Hi!
I decided to rewrite this because one oh my god the grammar and punctuation for one...two i think I can write it better. So here we go!

The rewritten version of "hot showers" from November 2022.

Trigger warning:
mentions of fresh self harm, scars.

This is written in Meredith's POV.

"One...two...three...four...five." I whisper as i find myself taking a few deep but also shallow breaths. Bracing myself before I walk into the small room which holds each residents cubby. My eyes dart around the room tiredly, I can see Cristina and April. Cristina is tying her shoe lace, bickering with April who happens to be snacking on a breakfast bar.

'Hey, Meredith!' April calls, gesturing me to come over to them. I smile back, its small and forced but luckily they don't notice. Why would they? I slowly walk over to them.

As I walk over to them my mind is whirling with thoughts. When will they leave? Hopefully they get paged. This better be quick. I am so exhausted. I really need to sleep. I hope they get paged.

"Meredith! Tell April that it is strange to still sleep with a stuffed teddy at 17. Okay, our cardio patient still sleeps with a worn out teddybear from when they were 5. I get people have attachments to things but..." Cristina trailed off. I cant help but let out a light laugh, mostly because of how ridiculous her point is. But she seams pretty confident that its strange. Personally, I on the other hand think its sweet. But right now, I am exhausted and do not want to get into a small argument about seventeen year olds and teddybears. So instead of agreeing or disagreeing I simply shrug my shoulders with a playful laugh at the two of them.

Cristina opens her mouth to say something but then her pager goes off. "Saved by the bell." She grins and nudges my arm. Picking up her white lab coat and standing.

Then Aprils pager goes off. "Ah! Bye Meredith." She smiles gleefully, her tone is so light. It makes me feel sick. How can someone always be so...happy?

I wait. I watch. The two body's evaporate out of the room. Then, the room is silent. I can finally feel myself think. "Okay." I whisper to myself.

"Okay, shower and then go to a free on call room and take a power nap. Then i can clock back in." I say quietly and nod to myself. I quickly inspect the room, making sure no residents are hiding around. No one.

Another sigh of relief.

I carefully grab my small travel wash bag and a fresh pair of light blue scrubs from my cubby. I watch my feet as I walk over to the showers. I place my wash bag and scrubs in the dry sink before locking the door. I let out a breath that quiet frankly I was unaware I was holding. I find myself squeezing my eyes shut as my body topples slightly, hitting the wall roughly. I really need to eat something. As soon as I gain composure, I begin to stand up again. Pushing my week body off the wall. I take a small breath and start dragging my body over to the shower.

My hand shakes as I turn the hot tap on. I twist the handle ad far as it can go. I watch as the momentarily cold water starts to pour out. I smile as I watch the water warm up and steam slowly escape it. Walking slowly and carefully over to the small cabinet where the mirror stands. I pick up my wash bag from the sink. Catching a glance of myself. Oh god, how I hate mirrors. I keep my eyes glued to the thin figure on the reflection as i take my scrubs off. My movements are fast yet so slow. Long enough that i can devour how unusual my body looks but short enough that I don't feel the urge to throw up. I place my hands on my stomach once im fully naked. Ready for my shower.

I glance again at my figure in the mirror. So exposed and so wide. Luckily its blurry. Thank god. Oh how i love condensation.

I pull out my 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner and step into the scalding hot water. I feel my body tense once im fully under the shower head, my body evenly centred under it. I watch how the water quickly burns my pale arms and legs and shoulders. I cant help but let out a sigh of relief. The feeling of the scalding hot water hitting my sensitive pale skin is so addicting. I don't know why, but i love it. I cant help but stay in this position. Five minutes pass and I swear I can smell my skin burning. I take this as a sign and slowly turn the cold tap on. Trying to regulate the water a bit. I wait a moment before I begin to pour some of my 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner into my hand. The lavender sent instantly reaching deep into my senses. I love it. The sting of how intense the sent is always gets me. I take a moment and compose myself before I start to scrub my hair.

As I scrub the 2 in 1 around my hair, I sneeze. The bloody lavender. I instantly close my eyes but its to late. The watered down shampoo and conditioner falls down my forehead quickly, gracefully stinging my eyes. I start to feel the familiar burn in my eyes, I try to ignore it and carry on with my shower as if it never happened. But the pain is intense and my head starts to hurt. So i look up, opening my eyes and letting the mostly hot water burn the compound out of my eyes. I sigh, it hurts so bad but maybe thats a good thing. Maybe i deserve this pain?

I begin to wash the products out of my dead blonde hair. I cant help but sneeze again. I definitely inhaled the lavender sent for to long. Then another sneeze, this one makes my head jolt forwarded, crashing into the tiled shower wall. I let out a small groan and place a hand onto the wall for support as I slowly sit myself down. My eyes lock with my feet, meaning im now looking towards the floor, my eyes wonder across the bottom of the shower, but only for a moment because before i know it im inspecting my own body. And for a moment my eyes still refuse to believe what they can see beneath them. I look away and look back again. My eyes are burning into my scars and cuts that cover my thighs and hips. Its almost as if im reopening them all. I force myself to look away.

I take a deep breath before I hear a rough knock on the small bathrooms locked door. "Meredith Grey. You better not be in here." It calls.

Bailey.

"I told you to go home and shower." She sighs. "Please. Go home after this shower. You cant keep working so many hours with so little sleep. I will take you off the surgery rotation if you don't."

For fuck sake.

''Okay. Sorry." I call. Sighing as I hear her footsteps retreat. As I hear the residents lounge door close I let out a small groan of pain. My head is spinning.

Please don't pass out. Please don't pass out.

"Please, go home Meredith." She calls before leaving fully.

"Mm. Okay. Sure." I whisper as my body falls down the wall. Slowly and painfully i crash to the ground, my body tipping and my head hitting the showers drain roughly. I notice a faint blood stream thats falling from my head.

I feel myself drifting in and out on conciseness. This better not be a concussion. I sigh. I hope no one comes in. I cant handle the thought of everyone starting at me wondering how Meredith Grey, Ellis Grey's daughter passed out in the shower.

Luckily. I don't pass out for long. I can tell cause the room is still condensated,
and the water splashing onto my legs and hips is still somewhat warm. No one could have noticed because the water is still running. That makes sense though. I slowly start to feel less and less groggy.

I rub my eyes and sit up, ignoring the blood that's still streaming from my head. "At least im conscious now." I whisper in a exhale. Slowly I stand, turning ofd the hot and cold tap. I pick up the small towel and get my towel to dry hair.

I slowly pull the scrubs on. It takes a minute, trying to avoid getting any blood on them. I look in the mirror again. Looking at the cut instead of my body. Its quiet deep.

"Im gonna have to get stitches." I mutter quietly with a sigh.

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