Shatter me

antiseptic wipes

Tw: Starts with talk of self harm and includes hints of eating disorders

If you find any of this triggering please don't read!

- two week time skip -

Merediths POV:
Its okay...just one more line and then i can get back to work.

The stained but still slightly silver blade falls down my right side leaving another perfectly straight cut down my stomach. I watch as it goes white and within seconds red, i feel warm blood gush out and down me.

'Phew.' I let out as I apply pressure onto the now painful cut. My mind starts to race as i close my eyes, leaning my head back onto the cold stone wall. As a few minuets go by, i get ripped out of my thoughts at the sound of laughter. Keeping my eyes close, i listen to the laughter as it fades away which indicates that whoever was in such a great mood whilst walking past me and the supply closet i was in was no longer there. As i snapped back into reality, i realised my hand was still applying pressure to my stomach where the blood had not stopped.

'Still?' i mutter to myself as I apply enough gauze to keep it together for now. I make sure to keep it small and simple though so when i pull my scrub top down it doesn't show. I feel as my arms slowly tug down on the light blue scrub top, carefully avoiding the newly pain source that laid before me. I slowly pick up my exhausted body from the blood stained floor. Leaving my eyes with no where else to look but down. As my eyes are staring at the puddle of blood i feel my mind starting to race all over again at the sight of it.

'I need to clean this up.' i let out in barely a whisper before reaching my hand out into the almost empty packet of antiseptic wipes which i had previously used on myself. I grab the last 3 wipes out of the packet and start to clear the blood away. One at a time, the once white wipes turned red in seconds after leaving the floor. Each wipe fulfilled its purpose and cleared away the puddle of blood my stomach had left. I scrunch up all the wipes i had used and shoved them into my pocket as there was no hope in trying to bin them in a tiny supply closet.

I reach up and grab myself a chest tube kit just incase somebody questions what i was doing in here, I unlock the door and place a smile on my face as i start to walk out. As i'm walking i see Lexie and Thatcher arguing in the distance. Thatcher had just been discharged after coming in two weeks earlier. He was now being sent to rehab. Which he didn't seam up to doing. I start to move one leg in front of the other again as i feel my stomach rumble. I stop. I feel almost as if everyones eyes are on me, making it even more impossible to move. Again getting lost in my thoughts.

'Dr grey?' A voice calls. I do hear the voice but it sounds as if its underwater, i try to answer but im to far away in my thoughts to let out anything.

'Meredith?' The same voice pulls me out of my thoughts but not because they said my name but because i feel their masculine hand touch my shoulder.

'Dr...Webber!' My head sharply turns around and i act as if nothings wrong. 'Everything okay sir?' i pout slightly trying to pay attention to what the man has to say.

'Thats what i want to know Meredith' his voice lets out in a sigh as he caress my shoulder. His face drops as he realises how thin i actually am. 'Are you okay?' he then asks lifting his hand and folding it in front of himself.

"Mhm! i'm great sir, I just needed this for my uh patient.' I say before smiling at him. I earn a reciving nod before walking away.

'One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four.' I start to repeat to myself as my thumb hits each finger with the beat. My legs are starting to ache as i am making my way across each floor. I have time to kill and i shouldn't sleep or disappear for another 30 minutes so walking it is. I start down in the ER. I see as Owen is in the TRUMA room and next to him is Cristina. I let out a sigh and carry on walking. Each patient in the pit have been or are being seen to so i walk myself over to the stairs.

'Floor one.' I mumble to myself as i make sure to drag myself past the nurses station as they have a bin which is unattended. I look around to double check before placing the now dried bloody wipes in it. I carry on walking and my body drags itself up to the 8th floor. Dermatology. I look at the sofa and smile as i remember when Cristina brought Iz and i up here. I smile at one of the dermatologist as they come to have a conversation with me.

A few minutes later i am able to free myself and I start to walk again but the only thought in my mind is that I might as well be sleep walking at the little attention to my surroundings i am paying. I see the sign for the stairs to the 9th floor and walk towards them. I start to walk my worn out body up  flight of stairs, with each step I take my body i feel them getting heavier and heavier. I place my right hand on the banister as it pulls me up the remaining steps. When i reach the top i feel as my breath is laboured, leaving me clinging onto the stairwell to catch myself. I have to hold onto it for a good 5 minutes before i am able to stand up straight.

'Finally' i huff at the sight of the door that welcome patients onto the psych floor, I smile as i open the door, i let myself lap the 9th floor of the hospital in record time. My watch starts to beep and the alarm says 4:30pm.

Im Just in time for my appointment with Dr Wyatt.