I haven't been myself lately. I'm more 'sad' than usual. I retook the depression test my counselor had me take back in six grade. My levels of anxiety and depression are increasing. So is stress.
Something my counselor taught me was, you live in a illusion and the appearance of things. There is a reality but you do not know this. Not many seem to understand what I'm saying, but once you do you will see that you are nothing, and being nothing, you are everything.
When I was little I was raised to be compassionate, to be loving, to pour my heart into everything I do. So that's what I did, I poured and poured and poured. And now they ask me why I'm so empty. Everyone and anything I've loved has left me, left me to fend for my self in this disastrous place we call home.
I'm alone.
Might not seem like it, but I am. Because at 2am when I'm lost in my thoughts, crying, no ones there for me. In the blink of an eye, no matter if it's 9am or 9pm, I'll be there for my friends. I'll explain to them that everything will get better, that I'll always be there for them. But when I need comfort, I can't find any. Maybe I don't deserve anyone.
I've learned that you're gonna lose people in your life. And realize that no matter how much time you spent with them or how much you appreciate them and told them so, it will never seem like it was enough. I've also learned that it's okay not to be okay.
I'm tired of feeling alone
I'm tired of feeling unwanted
I'm tired of the feeling of wanting to cry but not being able to
I'm tired of being blinded by tears threatening to spill out
I'm just tired.
Sometimes I feel like my time here on this earth is over. That maybe it's time for me to go. I'm 13 years old and having these thoughts. I've been through so much already I feel like, is all really worth it? Worth suffering everyday? Using every ounce of energy I have left?
But then I remember the promise. I promised my father to make him happy. To become the person he couldn't be. And that's what keeps me going everyday. It's my motivation.
