*2 years ago*
"You can go in now", says the nurse as I begin to pack away my homework and stand up.
"Thank you Mary" I say with a giddy smile. I throw my backpack on and sprint down the hospital corridor, the only sound hearing is the light pad of my backpack slapping against my back and the squeaking sound of my shoes.
I enter my fathers door and throw my backpack to the ground. I see him on the hospital bed silently sleeping. "Hi dad" I mutter as quietly as I could as I sat down on the uncomfortable chair.
Watching him sleep was always my favorite thing to do. Not to be creepy or anything. He just looked so young and happy, so normal. His skin didn't look yellow, and you couldn't see his yellow eyes.
I remember the exact date, November 28, 2012. My birthday. I remember my mom coming in and siting with me as we waited for him to wake up. And when he did he didn't acknowledge my presence. He was in one of his moods again. And he didn't remember that it was my birthday. It broke my heart into shreds. That's one memory I'll always remember.
*flash back two years ago*
"Take his blood pressure alexis" I quickly get up from the couch and take my fathers hand and stare at him with tears in my eyes, trying to sooth him.
My mom calls the ambulance and begins to tell him he'll be fine. I hear the shrill sound of the ambulances alarm. And begin to panic as my father becomes pale.
I remember everything like a blur. Seeing them put him on the gurney and take him away. That was the last time I saw him.
The last time I'll ever see him. I cry and get panic attacks if we go to the hospital or I hear the shrill alarm of the ambulance. It hurts me so much that I didn't get to tell him goodbye. To tell him how much I love him and how much he fucking meant to me. How he will always be embedded into my heart.
I got the memory in class today. And for the first time ever, the demons in my head came with them. They screamed at me. They told me how worthless I am. How I didn't appreciate my dad enough. The closed in on me. And I couldn't do anything to stop them. I was in class. How was I supposed to scream back at them? Scream at them to leave me alone?
I couldn't scream. My lungs felt like they were about to collapse. My rib cage felt like it was to small to hold my ragged breaths. Every inhale and exhale caused pain to my lungs. It felt like I would collapse to the ground any minute.
I've come to the realization that the demons living in my head are real. They aren't just me criticizing myself. The demons are living and breathing. They come to me at my most darkest nights or when the light has finnaly shown through the clouds.
They are the only ones there for me at 2:00pm or 2:00am they are real.
If someone told me 2 years ago this is the person I would become, I wouldn't believe it. 2 years ago I was a happy child. A happy child living in a peaceful world, a peaceful mind. I've lost her. And after two years of struggling too look for her, I've realized how much I want her back.
I want to go back when I had forgotten about my past. When not only was I at peace with my mind, but with myself. I believed that the Disney princesses were real. I believed in a happy ending. I believed in miracles.
But now I've grown up and realized that I am not Alice and I don't live in a wonderland. That the place we live in is all but humanity. I've grown up at such a young age because of the shit I've been through. I'm so fucking tired.
Tired of living like this
Tired of trying
Tired of feeling worthless
Tired of shutting down and staring blankly at a wall
Tired of everyone pushing me around
Tired of feeling a lump in my throat and seeing the blur of people passing by
Tired of feeling alone in a room full of people
I'm tired of living.
I've been told countless of times that I'm strong, that I could carry on. But no one seems to realize my panic attacks and the dreams I get of my father are gradually getting worse.
Waking up at 2:00am screaming my lungs out. Seeing my fathers lifeless body in a coffin. It's the same dream I've been having. It's terrible.
It's not a dream it's a fucking nightmare. Not only am I having nightmares, I'm fucking living in one.
