*warning poured feelings out*
I'm not bipolar. As many people seem to label me as.
I hide my sadness with smiles. I don't cry in front of anyone. I'm too scared to show how I truly feel, so I'll hide behind timid smiles, and soft hellos.
I'm not the person you might label me as just because you see a smile on my
face. I consider myself strong. I walk around everyday on the verge of tears, and no one has the slightest clue that I'm NOT okay.
I think I'm afraid to be happy. Because whenever I get too happy, something bad always happens.
Out of my experience, I've found things I believe in. I believe there's no miracles. I believe in death by emotions. I believe there's a heaven. I believe everything has a cause.
I used to be afraid of death. I'm not now. I have come to the conclusion that it happens to everyone. That its gonna happen whether you like it or not. The only thing I'm afraid of is what's to come after death. Is there even a heaven? Will we meet the love ones we once lost? Will it be the same?
I'm just not the happy person I used to be. I've lost that cheerful, self confident girl. I miss her sometimes. But I've changed for the better.
If someone asked me one day,"what is the saddest word in English?" I would say
Almost.
"Why?"
Because I almost became happy.
Because he almost made it.
Because I almost found the person I want to be.
One of my favorite quotes is from one of my favorite authors, "she's sunny one minute then she's pouring down rain". It holds so many meanings to me.
I've learned that memories never die, but people do. Memories are the reason I am in this state of mind. They cut deep into me at night. They make me feel alone.
