I watched the rain as I sat waiting for the sun to set. I looked up at the sky wishing to see the blue clear sky again. Getting soaked was the least of my problems. I don't care if my hair was becoming frizzy. I don't care if I wake up sick tomorrow. I don't care if I'm freezing. I'm waiting.
Today in my 6 period class, a guy asked me if I could stop laughing for once. It hurt me, a lot. I hide my sadness with smiles and laughs. And being told I do that too much, makes me think I shouldn't laugh anymore. I'm becoming the cold-hearted person I once was again. I don't want to show any emotions. I don't want people to see what I truly feel inside. But maybe I should stop hiding. Because people seem to get annoyed seeing a smile on my face.
Today, a girl asked me where I grew up. I obviously answered with Alhambra. She said, " of course, where white, rich people live". And that made something in me snap, I was pissed. She didn't know what my life was like growing up. That pain I faced everyday growing up. Constantly hearing my parents fighting. Seeing them hitting each other. Seeing pain in my moms eyes as she watched my father drink his life away. She didn't know what it's like growing up not having enough money. Not being able to do the things my friends did because we were short on money. She doesn't fucking understand.
Maybe I deserve the pain I feel. Maybe I'm worthless. Maybe I'm tired of being let down. Maybe I'm sad. Maybe I'm tired of living. Maybe the pain I've felt over the course of 13 years is more pain you'll ever experience. Maybe I've had my heart broken too many times to count. Maybe the only thing that has been with me through everything is my dog, Teddy. But I'll continue my journey, pushing through with every little thing I've got, to make my dad proud. And to make myself happy, to show everyone who stood in my way, pushing me back a couple steps, that I'm strong. And I could continue even with a 100 pound weight pulling me down.
We're all in the same game; just different levels. Dealing with the same hell; just different devils. I once was a child with ongoing dreams, and eyes filled with hope. I miss being a child. Not knowing what was pain, or heartbreak. Not knowing there was other emotions other than happiness and sadness. I didn't know what the real world was actually like. I was a poor innocent child with big dreams.
I feel the tickle of my tears drop down my cheeks. Going on forever. Rolling down my neck and seeping into my shirt. I remembered the song my mom used to sing to me as a kid. "I'll stand by you" by pretenders. It brings me to tears till this day. She used to sing it to me as she cried. And I remember her pained filled eyes.
My chapters are becoming messier and messier. I write what I feel and don't worry about it. It's my escape.
I've hit rock bottom and don't feel the need to continue on. No one needs me, I'm alone. No one cares, and I'll be happier with my father. I'm sick of losing everything and everyone I love. Sick of being alone all the time. I'm sick of not being able to write because my tears are blurring my vision. Sick of looking in the mirror at 2am to see a pale face, puffy eyed girl staring back at me. Sick and tired of LIVING. I've been having suicidal thoughts for maybe, 2 years now. They left when I got my therapist, but have recently came back.
I don't think I'll ever act upon my thoughts; I know I'll continue on even if I feel like I can't. I've got the best of friends. They make me strong. And I don't know what I would do without them. Without their love and support.
I'm a whole different person I am around them, then I am alone in the dark. My old self comes out around them. And nobody else. I've only warmed up to 2 people. And I'm happy I did. Because I know they won't leave me for a dumb fucking reason. I could trust them.
But I'm still sad at the end of the day. And no one will be able to fix that. Nobody. It's up to me to fix that. And I've made it my mission.
