05 | Struggles

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"Dad is going to be so mad at you when he finds out

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"Dad is going to be so mad at you when he finds out." My brother, Blake, reminds me for the fifth time today and it's starting to get on my nerves. I know my dad is going to be mad when he finds out that the movie I'm filming for isn't the one he wanted.

Maybe that's why I had such a need to take the role. To make my dad mad. It's not like I wanted the role for myself. I could care less about the movie, it wasn't what I was passionate about.

I was thrown into the celebrity world by my dad. I was a child actor, got gigs when I was a teen, and now that I'm twenty five, I still can't get away from it because I had signed a contract with my dad that when I was thirty, I was able to go whatever I wanted, even if that meant quit acting.

Obviously he reminded me how disappointed he would be in me if I happened to quit acting. He reminded me everyday. And I had the same response. 'I don't care'. It was simple. I didn't care what my dad thought about me at this point. It was obvious Blake was the golden child.

Blake has had my dad's heart since he was born. Being younger than me, he was basically a redo of me to my dad. My dad raised him how I should have been. And even though Blake has his own mind set and dislikes our father as much as I do, he still does things for dad because he loves him and would still do anything for him.

I guess that is how we are different.

Even though I was an adult and could change on my own. It didn't change the fact that my father had thrown me into the world of fame. Not only did he do that, but he made my image. An image I was stuck with because who the heck was going to believe me over my father who could easily manipulate people.

I was known for the jerk of the acting world. I was hard to work with, self centered. You name it. But it wasn't my choice. I did it for my dad because I thought if I did, he would show me the love he did before my mom had left.

I wish I was as strong as her. She wasn't dead. No- the opposite, she was living her best life without my father. Had she forgotten about me though? I have no idea because I haven't talked to her in over two years.

I didn't hate her. In fact, I loved her. I just wanted her to come to me and tell me she was proud of me. But I could understand why she hasn't.

It was simple. Dad wasn't good to her so she left, believing me and Blake were okay with dad. And when she found someone else, that's when dad turned his whole persona around for the worse.

I shrug my shoulders as a response to Blake who simply gave me a stink eye. I placed my long gone cigarette in the ashtray next to me. Smoking was a way to help me not think about what my father thinks of me.

Blake sits down on the couch opposite of me. "How was the first day of the set?" He leans on his knees. "It was fine." I didn't do much except stay in the conference room and go over my lines for when my character appeared.

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