Irreplaceable

ninteen

Mya Amalia
It's coming up to Christmas and it's almost like a sigh of relief. The final two shows of the American leg of tour. It's been exhausting but absolutely amazing I know this is what I needed.

I'm sat with reindeer antlers on while Brent and Kent prance around me with wrapping paper. It's a moment to capture.

They are singing along to Elton Johns 'Step into Christmas' and i'm honestly living for it.

"STEP INTO CHRISTMAS." Brent shouts in my face. I chuckle and push him away slightly as it's a little too personal and the camera is directly on his chin. To which I don't think the people watching my live would appreciate it. He quickly sticks his tongue out to the camera before going back to wrapping the many presents on the floor of the tour bus. We have decided to give out gifts at the last two shows to spread Christmas spirit.

I flip the camera to face me again " You guys. This is going to be the best two shows of your life. I cannot thank everyone enough that has come and shown me support since going solo, so I have to give back to you!" I adjust my headband and read some of the comments. It's full of love and I am just so grateful.

"Okay, let's see what y'all are saying." Squinting I begin reading the endless amounts of comments.

"Shoutout to Myalover123. Loving the username."
I see a name that's too familiar. But the comments are moving too fast for me to see.
'what is your favourite Christmas song? sending love <3'
"I think my favourite Christmas song has to be one more sleep. wait no! do they know it's Christmas."
I think some of my most happiest and saddest memories come from christmas. When Ben was in my life. When my father was actually happy. When my mother was alive. But the sneakiness of what my father used to do on that day. The absolute terrors harry told me he did to other people that day. While I was oblivious playing with my new PSP or playing with my new dolls. Riddles me with guilt.

'What's your favourite christmas present you have received?'
"I'd definitely say In the good old days. I got the wedding day barbie doll, I think that was the highlight of my childhood definitely."

Brent laughs at me " What? It was!"
I look back at my phone and just stare. This cannot be happening.
'Where was my call?'
Harry's name flickers on my screen before disappearing off along with the thousands of comments flooding in. Quickly it was filled with mentions of harry and how I was been rude.

"Like I said guys, im so thankful to you all for supporting me on this journey. I will see you tonight."
I flip the camera round onto Kent and Brent. "Say bye guys."

The twins look up at me and smile and begin waving at the phone "see ya."

I quickly end the live and breathe. They both look at me in confusion for a moment. "Harry was on the live."

Kent looks at Brent, His lips forming in a straight line while his eyebrows soften. "Do you not think it's time to talk to him now? You didn't even know that you was pregnant. How was he meant to know?"

I shake my head "No. He was going to end it with me anyway. What's the point."

"The point is to give him some closure Mya. Your not going to get the happiness you want if you don't sort it all out with him."

"What if I don't want him to have the closure." I shrug and go onto my instagram, going straight to his profile.

Sitting in his dms. My mind fuzzy with memories and confusion. The bus has gone quiet, the only sound playing is stay another day by East 17.

"You owe it to him Mya. You left him last time with no closure, you can't do it again."

Now I feel guilty. I frown at Kent, He knows that I know he's right but I will not admit it.

I begin typing out a large paragraph, telling him how much I love and miss him and how I want nothing but to have him next to me. But I quickly delete it.

'Why comment on my live?'
I bite the skin on the side of my thumb, waiting for him to reply. It doesn't take long.

'why haven't you spoken to me?'
I sigh. Tap my thumbs on the side of my phone.

'I've been busy.'
'Where are you preforming tonight?'
should I spoon feed him? No.

'Check my profile for the tour dates.'
I get left on delivered for a good two minutes.
'chicago?'
'bingo.'
'see you there. Tell security that I will be coming. 5pm on the dot.'
I choke on my own breath and I begin coughing. Both the twins burst out in laughter.

"What are you laughing at?" I gasp out. Trying to hold back my own laughter. They shake their head and go back to wrapping presents.

Next thing I know i'm been shoved a large pile of pictures of myself and a sharpie.

***********
short but sweet. sending love mwah