Tales From Heller

Model Human Beings

CW: Sexual harassment

It is a truth universally acknowledged that two club members with the initials "GP" must be in want of a relationship. However little known this was to Greg Parsons and Gina Ping upon entering Heller the second year of the club, this truth was so well-fixed in the minds of the club members that they may as well have been the club's property. And being the far-too-bright young minds they were, it took them only a few weeks to put the pieces together.

The distinct feeling that everyone in the club was cheering for their success in a different sense did not prevent Greg and Gina from becoming friends, and club officials were correct in appraising their many commonalities: they both were avid language learners, each speaking at least five with fluency; in their spare time, they practiced martial arts, played chess, and read the classics. These facts were lost on the club, with nobody else thinking to ask themselves if freshmen were capable of independent thought. Even going into their second year, beyond their Alpha ranking it was as if they didn't exist as anything but their names; once Behrooz asked Gina where she had learned to speak such fluent Farsi, but he had become so inured to unusual talents that he saw no need to inquire further.

During their mandatory Labor Day team-building activities, Greg and Gina stepped to the side to gossip; while this behavior would have been unfathomable for any other Alphas, since everyone thought this behavior would lead to love they permitted it.

"I don't even know why we're doing this on a holiday," Greg complained. "We're already a team. This is just pageantry, like everything else in this club."

"I know, right? It's so stupid. Look at everyone else trying so hard to fit in: we have Harry Potter and little Daisy Buchanan partying it up over there, Allison with all her cheer buddies, Madeline clearly being forced against her will to be here. We're supposed to be the best of the best, but look at us. We're so shallow."

"The irony is that everyone else is probably having the same conversation we're having, wondering why everyone else is so shallow and why they aren't the ones in charge. Well, that's life. OK, act happy—Juliet's walking over." In a flash their resting frowns turned to smiles, and Greg and Gina turned toward Juliet simultaneously.

"How are my two favorite sophomores doing?" Juliet purred.

"We're having a blast," Gina said. "And it's all thanks to your visionary leadership. Team-building on a holiday? Only an inspired genius could have thought of that. I could be at home reading Peter Singer or practicing my cello, but I've realized this is so much more rewarding—it's like Heller is my second home. I'd spend all my life here if I could."

"I, uh, agree," Greg added.

"I'll leave you two to it," Juliet said, and walked away after giving them a knowing smirk. Greg turned to Gina:

"There's no way she doesn't know we're pulling her leg."

"Juliet's the most gullible person I've ever met. She believes us. We can be as sarcastic with her as we want and she'll take it."

"How did someone like her end up being vice president anyway? There are so many better choices out there."

"Frank's probably horny," Gina quipped, looking at Greg for confirmation that this was how teenage boys thought.

"Fair enough."

A few weeks later, after a club meeting, Juliet approached them again:

"Hey, my two favorite sophomores! So," she continued without waiting for a greeting, "we have the homecoming dance coming up, and since I know you two are such good friends, I was wondering if you could do a routine there. Frank and I are doing the tango, so maybe you two could learn the paso doble or something, I don't know, flashy. Just dress nicely, we don't want any sluts on stage, Gina."