Tales From Heller

It's Not Wrong To Vote Wong!

Despite all of Frank's private misgivings that the club would crash and burn at other universities without his direct supervision, strong central planning and charismatic leadership—and a little bit of luck—enabled the club to prosper at all the universities it sank its teeth into. Of particular interest was the UCLA office, it being his former second-in-command's first chance to exert her own influence, and its geographical connection to the stronghold at Cal meant many in the club's leadership had high expectations.

Juliet was blissfully unaware of what unusual circumstances and gambits had led to her new position of leadership, and despite her burgeoning understanding that what transpired at Heller would largely remain under lock-and-key for her, she could tell that at least now she was treated as an equal. Out of all the new "campus directors," as they were branded, Juliet enjoyed a special favor because of her connection to Frank; if anyone else believed nepotism was at play, they were too shy to say it. Consequently, when word got around that campus elections were approaching, it was decided that Juliet would be the club's guinea pig and run for president.

For all the soft power many of the club members carried, few could translate this into a sense of charisma that was not reminiscent of Ben Shapiro, and Juliet was one of the few people considered "likable" by the general population. Socioeconomic factors were a boon, too: female, Asian, in that awkward Silicon Valley wealth gap where one wasn't a rich kid but still could hang out with the real rich kids and gain their sponsorship, enough of a minority to mention it during campaigning but not so much people were scared of her. Juliet took these appraisals, made right in front of her, with good grace, and it was thus decided: Juliet Wong for USAC President was a go.

There were two other candidates for the position, which was news for the club, who was used to running unopposed. Charles Martello, or Charlie as he insisted everyone else called him, was as career of a politician as a college junior could be. If there were an extracurricular involving speaking to a crowd or shaking hands and repeating people's names in dulcet tones, he had done it—in this process he had learned to be a political chameleon, suppressing his natural Bronx accent or tactfully avoiding difficult topics like the amount of international students on campus or marijuana legalization unless he thought there would be no consequences. He would never insist that he "deserved" the presidential seat more than anyone else did, instead obliquely referring to his paper qualifications, but he was of the private belief that there was no room for outsiders in politics: at the end, the people would vote for the best candidate, and that was the fraternity co-chair, church youth group leader, and person with a completely wholesome social media history that needed not be investigated by any journalists or political rivals.

Mike Trump (of no relation) was dared into running because his friends thought him sharing a surname with Donald Trump was funny—it wasn't as if Donald Trump or any of his scions could ever actually win political office, as much as they had tried. There was no other motivation: he pooled the required application fees from his D&D group, verified that the strict letter of the election regulations allowed for pretty much any publicity stunt he could think of, and the deed was done. His electoral platform could be succinctly summarized as "I will eliminate all student elected officials' stipends because we all know we're only running to put this on LinkedIn anyway," and his campaign strategy was to rely on Reddit and artfully curated memes.

As noble as these two candidates' pursuits may have been, to Juliet and the club, they were nothing but obstacles. She appraised their virtues as faults, already imagining smear campaigns: Charlie was slimy and clearly desired to be progressive only when it suited him, not to mention that in previous years he had been a supporter of a certain Fireball McGee. Mike did not care, and to a club that valued caring about even the most irrelevant details, this was heresy. Additionally, one time he had slacked off on a group project with Juliet, and this was perhaps the gravest offense possible. In meetings with Frank and other club officials, she spoke fervently about the righteousness of her upcoming campaign—in a way, it wasn't just about her winning, but also that her victory would mean the other candidates would lose.