BITTERSWEET (M.V x C.L)

Blur - Max

I looked out of my window facing the entrance to the apartment complex. I couldn't breathe, so my hands were rapidly ripping the brim of my T-Shirt apart. I found myself letting out the occasional groan, as my eyes couldn't shed any tears out of pure disbelief. What had I done? I thought to myself, as I watched the street as a hawk.

It took a few minutes for Charles to appear at the entrance. He stopped a bit, turned around and looked up. I quickly hided by the side of the window, and peeked down on him again. As he went off, my eyes followed him for as far as possible. With him out of sight, my body collapsed, and I fell down crying to the floor. I was the stupidest person ever. I had probably just let out my frustration on the love of my life. It's funny how you always first seem to realise that a person is the only person, you wanna be with, when that person is gone. In the midst of my cries, I let out a somewhat scary laugh at being caught by the irony that filled my actions and summed up my persona perfectly. You are incapable of having a relationship, Max Verstappen. Live with it, was all I could say to myself to at least stop me from crying.

After crying followed denial. The next couple of days I barricaded myself in my flat, succumbing to alcohol, amongst other things. I couldn't deny that the alcohol brought a soothing effect over my body. But that was just to cover up the things that happened in the mornings. My now routine trip to the bathroom and the toilet to expose of whatever toxic substance, which the alcohol left in my body. Afterwards followed the realisation of what had happened. 

My phone constantly finding its way to pictures of us together. That trip on the flight back to Paris. The morning we had together in bed. The warmth of his body up against mine now gone, leaving only a cold breeze, when I woke up. 

Then followed the crying. I guess I could fill bottles of my tears, I thought to myself, as I was now back to crying. The only thing, which my mind wondered through in my somewhat sober condition, was how Charles was doing. The thought of him going through the same as me right now was even more hurting, which only got me as far as crying even harder. But what was the alternative? I said to myself that there was none. Had Daniel found out about our situation... I couldn't bear to bother Charles with that. He was too innocent. I needed to respect his wishes of not being public, which coincidentally matched my wishes. So here I was. Suffering for the greater good. And with that cue, the rest of the day was spent in a drunken state of mind, before drifting off to sleep and going through the same again the day after.

--3 days after--

I felt the sunlight hit me on the forehead, which caused me to wake up. I gently rubbed my eyes free of sleep, and started to look around. It took me a while to realise that I was still in my own flat. I had apparently spent the night only in boxers on my couch. As I moved, the sun hit my head again, which lit the headache - which was now normal - on fire. I quickly shot up from the couch to avoid the sun, my foot kicking an empty bottle of beer out of the, which clashed in to several others not far away. That only increased my headache, which caused to shush the bottles.

I grabbed for my phone and noticed the Mr. Horner had left me a message the night before.

Christian: Hey Max, hope you're enjoying your vacation. Don't forget to not eat that much for Christmas. We need you back strong next year😂. Stay safe champ!

Me: Hey Christian, thanks... well you too need to stay in shape. Merry Christmas!

Lying to my team boss wasn't something, I was a fan of, so this went against my instincts, but I managed to keep my situation out of the message and hoped it would rest with him. As I went up to get a bag to clean up the living room, I heard a knock on the door. My body froze. I can't show myself like this. "Just two seconds! I'll be there!" i yelled from the living room and quickly gathered the waste and threw the bag in my bedroom. I put on a used T-Shirt and went to open the door. At first I regretted it, because out of all the people, I knew, the chance that it's was Daniel was very high. He did say he'd come back, if I hadn't told him. Honestly, I couldn't blame Danny. He didn't mean it like the way I perceived it, but for all in the world, he couldn't be allowed to find out the truth.