BITTERSWEET (M.V x C.L)

Bewilderment - Max

As I got home that night, I said my goodbyes to Dad, Vic and Tom and made my way up the stairs to my hotel room. I pulled out my key card and entered the room. I immediately threw off my jacket and went straight to the balcony. I stepped out into the cold and overlooked the beautiful city of Paris. 

While standing there and admiring the extraordinary view that came from up the hill of Montmatre, my mind flashed back to the meeting with Charles. How his warm embrace made me feel safe. How his fingers fitted perfectly into mine, mine being a bit bigger. His beautiful eyes, his perfect smile, chuckle, nose, and I could go on. It made me smile. Even though I didn't want to admit it, I started envisioning me and Charles together. Us having dinner regularly and not only a date. Us cuddling in bed in the morning and not wanting to get the day started.
"MAAX!" I heard someone call out, as my mind flashed forward to reality. "MAAAAX, DOWN HERE!" I looked down, and there my father, sister, and future brother-in-law stood waving up at me. 
"What are you still doing down there?"
"Our cab is not here yet, and we only saw you on the balcony," Vic shouted.
"You're daft, the lot of you," I laughed back at them, "goodnight guys, I'm gonna head back inside."
"Goodnight Max, see you," they chanted.

As I got inside and closed the door to the balcony, I let myself drop down onto the couch. I scowled to my right and saw my helmet from Abu Dhabi that I brought with me here... as emotional support. I know, it's stupid, but nevertheless, I thought. But as my soul connected with my helmet, so did the first memories of me and Charles that day after the race. I was once again taken aback by the most soothing memories. But suddenly, that relaxing journey was cut short by a snake, which I knew had been hiding in my mind ever since. Dad. My father started interfering with my memories of me and Charles. My heart started to beat faster, and I started seeing black dots in front of my eyes. In my bewilderment, I somehow dragged myself back out on the balcony to breathe in some fresh air. As I stood there, I quickly tore open my shirt and felt my hands travel up my throat giving it a massage. My mind was working under enormous, high pressure, and I didn't catch whatever these thoughts meant. All I could focus on was the fact that these happy memories and experiences with Charles had somehow been interrupted by my family, my friends, my team and my fans. My consciousness started to try and convince me that this thing with Charles wasn't a good idea. What would happen if people found out I'm gay? How would my family react? How would my sister react? My dear sister, whom I for all the world didn't want to lose. It tried to convince me that all these things should suppress these feelings for Charles.

I realised that I was now crying. I tasted the salty water in my mouth, and I closed my eyes and let it all out. Charles don't deserve this. He doesn't deserve to have to put up with this, with me. The thoughts only enhanced and prolonged the amount of time, I just stood on the balcony and yet again watched the city of Paris - now only in a massive blur.

The next thing, I remember, is sitting at the chair in my small tea kitchen area. I remember an episode from my childhood. I was around 11 years old, and I was in a karting competition. It was the final few laps of a race, and the boy in front of me had lost speed, and I was catching up. But as I got close to the boy in front, my right front tyre had a puncture, because i made contact with the kart in front, and I was spun around, the car immediately coming to a halt. I remember banging my hands on the wheel, while I bet smoke was emerging from my ears underneath the helmet. After the race, me and my dad were debriefing the race in our van, which dad had brought to almost all my races. "Max, you need to focus on the moment. Focus on your reality. You cannot afford to make mistakes like that ruin your race. You need to stay calm and true to yourself and not living in wonderland. Do you understand that Max? Hmm? You must never let yourself get filled up with a feeling of expectation from everyone else except yourself. You and only you are in charge of what happens in that race. If you stay true to yourself and trust in your judgement, you will achieve your goals," Dad said.
"Yes Dad, I understand, I will focus more in the next race," I replied, as he ruffled my hair and tried to cheer me up.

Lots of my achievements during my career I owed to my Dad. He was always there, and although he was strict sometimes, he would never ever let go of his belief in me. You need to stay calm and true to yourself. You need to stay calm and true to yourself...
The phrase kept going on repeat in my mind, until I realised that I needed to be true to myself. I needed to follow my Dad's advice, as I had done so many times before. As the revelation conquered my mind and brought me out of misery, I instantly grabbed for my phone and dialled Charles up immediately. I needed to see him. Charles took a while to answer, but it was probably because he was in bed. It was almost 2am, so I couldn't blame him.
"...Ma- Max plea- please come," I heard Charles cry into the phone. I started to worry. What had happened?
"Charles? Charles!? Are you okay? Where are you? I'm coming right now!" I said, as I grabbed my jacket and sprinted out of the hotel room, forgetting my key card in the process. "I'm at the ho- hotel Max... please just co- come," he kept on crying. 

I suddenly remembered that he had shared the address for his hotel, and it was quite close to mine, so I took the sprint and ran as fast as I could to his hotel.
"Charles... I- I need- need you to sta- stay in there, okay?" I managed to get out between my rapid breaths.
"Okay," he replied. 
As I got to his hotel, I sprinted up the stairs and found his hotel room. The door was a bit open, and I opened it fully and entered the room.

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Author's note:

Alright, I'm gonna leave it there for now... sorry. But this was the seventh chapter done. I hope you guys liked it, and as always please leave your thoughts:)

P.S. Congrats to Red Bull for taking their 5th constructor's title.