The Truth in Cliche (Falling in Reverse and Escape the Fate FanFic) Sequel to Not Good Enough

16. It's Always Been Me

It's Always Been Me

Carter's POV:

Runt's friend came through, and we were able to pick up a batch of our very own My White Walls t-shirts. We were pretty stoked, and Ronnie's merch girl agreed to sell them at her booth.

"Hey love," I looked up and grinned when I saw it was Jacky. Then my smile dropped. I couldn't look at him. I'm dating and cheating on his best friend, I'm disgusting and evil.

And I can't stop.

I guess what they say is true, once an addict, always an addict. And I, I was addicted to Craig.

"Jacky. I need to talk to you," I sighed, still not meeting his gaze.

"What is it?" He asked, suddenly concerned. Which added to my guilt. He shouldn't care about me. I suck as a person. Truly.

"I feel so guilty, scared, and stuck," I spoke, barely above a whisper.

"Why?" It was a simple question, but it broke me. The floodgates broke and I stood.

"Where is Ronnie?" I asked

"The bus but-" I didn't let him finish, I ran to the bus. I banged on the door, and after thirty seconds of no answer I pulled the door open and stomped in. I heard the shower going, but I didn't care. I walked to the bathroom and opened the door. I walked to the shower and pulled Ronnie out.

"What the fuck?" A very confused, naked, and wet Ronnie asked. He smiled a bit when he saw it was me, but it faded.

"What's wrong?" He asked, pulling a towel around himself. Usually I'd ask he didn't, usually I wouldn't even be able to talk I'd be so crazed with his body, but not now. Now was very different.

"I'm cheating on you," I sobbed. Ronnie stopped breathing.

"What?" He asked, looking genuinely confused.

"I'm cheating on you," I repeated.

"Carter-" he started, I stopped him.

"Look, I know I'm disgusting, and I treat you horribly, and I don't deserve you. I've done so much to hurt you, and you always forgive me. You always take me back, and everything you've ever done plays in my head whenever I'm with him. I feel so guilty, so gross. But I can't stop! And I can't understand it, because I really do love you. I am in love with you, and that will never stop, that will never go away. You were my first, and my everything. But I can't trust myself, I can't stop. It's like the oxy all over again, it's the rush. The wrongness of it all just attracts and excites more than you'll ever know, and as much as it hurts me to say this, I think I love him," I rushed. Ronnie stood there, taking it all in, taking me in. He turned and cut the shower off. He turned back to me and said

"Who?" And instead of being angry, he looked sad. He looked sad and genuinely curious.

"I can't say," I spoke. He nodded, not pushing. I felt like he himself was afraid of the answer.

"Is this why you broke down in the restaurant?" He asked again. I just nodded, my body shaking so bad I couldn't do anything else. He took notice and stepped closer to me. I shook my head at him.

"Ronnie, no," I said backing away from him.

"Just come here," he said, reaching out for me. I didn't go towards him, but I stopped trying to run away.

"I'm so confused," I sobbed hopelessly as he held me. I was confused, and hurt. I felt gross. Disgusted with the fact that I'd do that to the man I said I loved. Was in love with. I felt pathetic. I felt selfish. I felt like, I shouldn't live. I felt like cutting.

Guilty.

Guilty.

Guilty.

The guilt poured on me like a thick cloud. It oozed from me in waves. I was guilty. I cheated, was cheating.

And didn't plan on stopping.

I suddenly felt sick to my stomach and pushed Ronnie out the way as I threw up what very little I had eaten that day.

"Calm down babe," Ronnie said, rubbing my back. I stood and shoved him

"Don't call me that! Don't you get it? I don't deserve you. You may not be perfect but you sure as hell are a lot better of a person than I am!" I said, pulling at my hair, I blinked away tears when I'd taken too tight of a grip on some and pulled it right out.

"Stop! Stop it dammit. You're scaring me!" Ronnie yelled as he pulled my hands away from my head. I thrashed and fought with all my might. He stumbled out the bathroom with me in tow. He flung me down onto one of the couches and ran to the bunks. He got dressed in record time and came back.

"You calm?" He asked, as if talking to a crazy person, which I guess in a way he was.

"Peachy," I sighed, leaning into the couch.

"So..." He asked, awkwardly scratching the back of his head. I used to get butterflies when he did that, now all I felt was guilt.

Guilty.

Guilty.

Guilty.

Guilty!

"I think we should take a break," I could barely find the words. My heart sunk to my stomach when I thought about what this meant.

"Break up?" He asked. He voiced the very phrase I was trying so desperately to avoid.

"Kinda. Only you and me need to know about this. We act normal around everyone else until I can get my shit together. I'm obviously not stable enough to be in a serious relationship," I nodded. And to my complete and utter surprise, he agreed. So I stood.

I kissed him.

I left.

Funny, I'm always the one leaving.