The Truth in Cliche (Falling in Reverse and Escape the Fate FanFic) Sequel to Not Good Enough

27. I Am Not Exactly Sure

Carter's POV:

Being pregnant on tour may not have been the best idea. By which I mean it was the worst possible idea I have ever had and it is my fault for allowing my pride to control my decisions. But now our band has gotten so much press as having a pregnant lead that it is impossible for me to back down now.

Plus the girls and I always have so much fun. The other day they dragged me to go meet Mayday fucking Parade after our set. It was incredible, I have been in love with them since like, freshman year. I am of course not as in love as Runt- she practically pisses herself whenever we mention any of their names.

As much fun as I was having the insecurity washed over me like a thick blanket. I want to fight. I wanted to scream. I wanted to punch something— I wanted drugs. I wanted to smoke. I wanted to drink. I wanted to do anything and everything I could to ignore all of the emotions swirling through my brain. If I can't handle something simple like touring, how in the hell am I supposed to be a mother? A girlfriend? Something more? How do I... Fix this? How am I supposed to fix something that has always been broken... How do you stop feeling that dull ache you've felt since the beginning?

How do I stop hurting?

And I am trying so hard to figure this all out while keeping calm on the inside. A hurricane trapped inside of a house- pretty on the outside ripped to shreds on the inside. That's all I've ever been. A really pretty bag of damaged goods. But it's okay. It's all okay. I can stay this way. As long as everyone sees the happy fun loving girl I am trying to be, nothing else will matter.

But that's a lie. Everything still matters. Everything matters more now. Craig. I miss Craig more than air. Months! Three months he hasn't spoken to me... And I know that I have Ronnie and I know that he legitiately loves me and will do everything he can to keep me from all pain- even the pain I cause myself. But he can't save me from this. He can't change this. You love who you love and sometimes it isn't all black and white!! I loved Ronnie more than words could explain, but I was in love with Craig. And as much as I have tried to forget him these past few months I just, can't. I can't. I have worked so fucking hard to get myself to this point, a point where I can love and accept and allow people in.

I loved Craig. I love him. I accepted his faults, I let him in. I let him see the very broken and fucked up parts of me and he wanted me through all of that... Or at least I thought he had. I really did. But I was obviously wrong. If he could drop out of my life and pretend like I never existed FOR MONTHS then he obviously never cared about me the way I thought he had. The way he told me he had. And if he walked back into my life today I wish with everything in me that I would tell him to go to hell, punch him in the face- something. But I know in my heart of hearts I wouldn't. Because once an addict always a addict- and I was addicted to him. Or I suppose you could say I was addicted to the thought of him. People would argue that I am much too selfish to legitimately love anyone, certainly not Ronnie, not Craig. I wasn't even capable of loving myself.

My self loathing is at an all time high. But I really need to get this shit together. My band needs me, my fans need me.... This baby. This baby needs me. And that had to become my priority. At this point in time I am incapable of living for myself- so I've got to do it for someone else. But hey. Who cares why you're living, as long as you're living, right?

"Hey babe. You doing all right?" I looked out of my bunk and saw my goofy green eyed brother smiling down at me.

"Yeah, I'm okay. My back is killing me though and I really want a cigarette," I giggled and took his out stretched hand. I let out a long groan as I stood and stretched (to the best of my abilities).

"So everyone is going out to eat, do you wish to join?" he linked his arm with mine and pulled me off the bus. I squinted as the warm July sun turned up the contrast on the world.