Life As a Loner

Chapter 8: Holidays

Today is December 19, 2022, my dad's birthday as well as a hard day because my dad passed away a year ago. This one is dedicated to Raul Alicea. Lately, I've been dropping a lot of unhealthy habits to be honest. Habits and people, that is. I really been trying to pick up health habits.

Want to Travel😩
Right now, I'm in a stage of my life where I'm absolutely done with a lot of bullshit. I've dropped so many people and that is fucking okay. Honestly, I wish I can move and just start over again.
I grew up moving around a lot and truth be told I loved it. I love the traveling scene. I love the open road. I miss being on the road, going through cities, seeming the different cities, places, towns, the landscapes, the cars and the vehicles. I miss it.

Senior Year Update
Besides me dwelling on the idea of traveling, I've been getting through school okay. Senior year has been chaotic but I'm making progress. Right now, it is winter break so I am hoping I can focus on writing and get some chapters done. I wish I was in Miami (the landscape would probably help me with the writing process tbh). Maybe, I am homesick or something but I miss Miami a lot. I have to be honest, it's mostly because of the family. I miss my family with all my heart.

Missing the Family🥺
These passed years being apart, it's been hard. Family means the world to me. And these years losing both my great grandmothers and my dad. It's been hard. I try to make family time the most important because after they (my great abuelas and dad) passed I don't want to regret not spending time with the people that matter most to me. They are my world, truly.

This pass weekend, I got to see my grandparents (Mom & Dad), Aunt and Twin. I was very grateful to see them. I am proud of myself. I am glad I didn't cry. Even though, I missed them like crazy. Mainly, Mom and Dad because they helped raise me. And they aren't getting much younger🥺💔. I just really want to at least, be able to spend as much time with them as possible. My twin and I, had some time to talk and have some twin time. Talk shit, listen to music, do dumb stuff and laugh about it. I love my family a lot. They are the most funny, crazy, amazing, loving, caring, accepting people and I am grateful. I super excited to see them on my graduation day, May 16th, 2023. 🥹 It would be nice and maybe, I will be able to go down to Miami and spend time with them this summer before I start my automotive trade program.

The Busy Year for Me
This year is going to be very busy for me. A lot of special events and stuff like that. That with it being my 19th birthday, graduation and career starting. I am going to be very excited and happy tbh. So it is only right that I start this year off with healthy habits and things that will help me grow as a person.

The New and Improved Loner
I stopped fucking with people because if you can't see my worth, why should I be watering you as a person? It's not fair for me to be helping you grow but you aren't helping me grow as well. Like I got really sick and tired of the bullshit and nonsense. I don't have time for people to be stressing me out. I just hit block and keep it pushing because as much as I can put up with bullshit, I choose not to because I am my own person and no one else to is going to protect me from the bullshit more than myself. Only I can prevent people having access to me. Like I don't care anymore.

If people really wanted me in their life, they to fucking act like it. I am not going to be chasing around bullshit, drama and people. This year if for Me. This year is for Myself. If no one can't respect me for the pedestal I hold myself on then at that point do they even respect me, as a person? I am not arrogant or narcissistic but when you get treated like trash that's what people will resort to treating you. Like I am intelligent, quiet but outspoken, honest and truthful. And I will be damned if any one treats me less than that.
I have a big heart, and when you have a big heart, you get stressed out because you absorb everything emotionally, physically and mentally. And truth be told it gets draining. There are times where I try because I see someone else's tears. I hate it but that's how I am. Sometimes I wish I was emotionally unavailable because at least at that point I wouldn't feel, I would literally feel numb. There are times from my ptsd that I wish I was numb. And even if I disconnect and detach myself it still sometimes stings. Not because I feel but more so because I have felt it already so it still hurts.

"What does your mental health status stem from?"
Recently, I have come to the realization that most of mental health issues comes from a lot of shit that I went through more as someone's daughter than being a survivor of my trauma. Being someone's daughter was more painful than being literally raped. Being my biological father's daughter was more traumatic than being a survivor of rape. And I know that speaks volume. Because when I used to try and socialize with my father all he ever did was put me down, manipulate and lie to me. And it sucks ass because as a person who wants to be in relationship, I can't help but think that people are going to try to do that if I get into a relationship with them. Like it terrifies me. Like my trust and abandonment issues stem from the shit he put me through. And his family? May the Lord Almighty help them because how can a family based off of lust amongst each other, betrayal and lies.

And then when I came out about being bisexual (this was before I discovered myself as pansexual) all they said was "being gay is a sin" like come on my guy, you breathing should be a sin the fuck. Like how can someone speak on something you absolutely have no idea and never read, like c'mon get it together. I am my own person, I'm going to do my own shit. I don't care who is watching, never cared what they would say and I continue to think that way. Because how can someone who helped murder his own niece be okay with living and telling everyone she died from an overdose.

Crazy how I can be so loyal to someone who wants me dead. So Loyal to someone who told my mom when she was pregnant with me "to get an abortion". Someone who chased my mom all the way up to Sweetwater, Tennessee because "oh, my baby girl needs her father" but when I did live in Florida all it ever was is "I'm busy with work" or "something came up".

The same man who beat my mom be the same who raised his hand to me and when I told him "if you touch me, I'm going to hit you back". And why did I say that? Because I be damned if the same man who beat my mom beat me too. So yea, I hit him. You can call me a "bad daughter" or whatever the fuck you want to call it, but I will never be that monster's daughter. And as for the shit he put me through, asking to have 1 on 1 time with YOUR FATHER shouldn't be a fucking crime all because "you hurt Kathy's feelings, how dare you". Your wife had all the time she wanted with you, but I, as your daughter, shouldn't have to fucking beg for you to go with me and take me to go do something with you. I, as a child, shouldn't have to feel bad for wanting quality time with my parent.

But in the same way, I thank you. I thank you because now I know what I wouldn't do to my future children. I know that as a daughter to a piece of shit father, I know that I will make sure my children have love and won't just shower them with gifts. I know, that a child's background and how they are brought up is more important than anything. I thank you because if it wasn't for you being such a piece of shit of a father, Raul Alicea, the real man who was able to actually be a father to me and act like one. The man who I honor every day even though he passed away, I still got love for him and I walk this Earth every day because My Father in my Eyes, Raul Alicea will always make me remember to appreciate people who were actually there.
Sincerely,
The Loner😘

P.S. Happy Birthday, Dad.
R.I.P. Raul Alicea
I miss you every day and I love you so much. Hope you have a wonderful Heavenly Birthday. 🕊️