Life As a Loner

Chapter 9

Author Note: This Chapter may trigger SA (sexual assault) readers. So please read at your own discretion.

It's been quite some time, since I've updated you (my beautiful and handsome readers). So there is definitely a lot to say and talk about to be honest. Honestly, it has been QUITE some time now looking at the dates FR.

"Well, damn, how old are you now?"

I am nineteen years old. So it definitely has been quite some time!

High School Bullshit

As of May 15th, 2023, I walked across that stage, slayin' and snatchin' up my diploma from that bitchy ass fuckin' principal!!! I  graduated from high school. Not going to lie I cried when I saw my mom after the whole ceremony, because she did everything and she pushed me even when I didn't want to wake up and go to school. And I worked hard and got my fuckin' diploma. Deadass after snapping pictures with the family, first thing, I did was smoke a big ass muthafuckin' blunt because a bih been exhausted with the school bullshit. Then, I went to my favorite Puerto Rican spot in Orlando, off of East Colonial, La Lechonera, it was gas as FUCKKK and not because my ass was high as hell. LMAO! It was so delicious!!!

Then, I came home and took a fat ass to blow off my high *pun intended* then I took a video on my snap of my fine ass, looking bad as fuck and flexin' on these haters. Then, went back to sleep because a bitch has work the next morning (literally adult things).

"Did you celebrate your graduation?"

I did, I traveled out of state to the West coast and it was so cool! I had never been to Cali but it was so nice and fun for real. We spent a whole week in Cali. We stayed in Inglewood, which was pretty chill as fuck, despite the reputation.

I went to an authentic Mexican celebration for my sisters' friends' cousin's graduation. It was so nice to experience the food, music and of course, your girl had to dance some so yea, we were dancing and partied for a few hours it was very amazing! I LOVED IT so much!

After going to Cali we came back to Florida to go to Typhoon Lagoon during the Summer After Hours! It was really fun! They had unlimited drinks (fountain drinks), popcorn and ice cream around the whole park (that came with the park admission)! I love water parks! They had family rides with like 2+ people and then they had individual water slides and shit like that. It was really enjoyable. And of course they had a lazy river that literally if you didn't feel like walking could take you to each individual ride. It was really nice. I definitely will be going again!

NO THIS IS NOT SPONSORED!!!!!

"What happened with work?"

So when I graduated I was working at Regal Cinemas for a little while and then I quit because one thing about me is I am not going to keep working in a place where I feel disrespected, fuck that shit you got me fucked up.

So then I was unemployed for a little while and then I got back on my game for real doing freelance with high school students who ain't want to do their work and I got paid to do it was I was chilling type shit.

Then, after that I was doing a lot of interviews hoping for a job and then I got a call a random day and so I got a call back from a place I walked into and gave them my contact information and they asked for me to submit my application so that's what I did. It was for Shoe Carnival and I stayed there for a solid month and half because I got tired of the bullshit and honestly I had planned that this job wasn't going to be permanent because dead ass the pay and management were shitty asf as fuck.

Believe it or not while working at Shoe Carnival I stopped smoking not because anything is wrong with it but the jobs I were looking to take were really life full-time, petition paid type of careers. So while I was at Shoe Carnival I was putting applications for more serious job inquiries. I didn't tell them that though. So yeah, thank God, I was able to get a really great career (foot in the door) job. So right now, I am mentally whining down because I needed it, I was mentally exhausted from management being on my ass that I really needed time to thing about the positive things and to appreciate them more.

"So what's with this 'relationship that is on your instagram'?"

There is a significant other present in my life. Honestly, it's a lot of personal issues to be honest, not that we fight and argue it's more about growing with me. Given my past history and my mental health, change isn't my personal favorite thing. He is great but there is a lot of growth that needs to happen for both of us, individually.

I feel like where I went wrong is that I am always used to planning ahead and gaining a significant other that wasn't at the top of my agenda. Don't get me wrong he is amazing but I am sometimes struggling with myself mentally because I wanted to heal my mental and psychological health before entering a relationship so I could study myself and understand my likes, dislikes, will and won't tolerate behavior. Because I didn't get that time to myself I am finding my unhealed self lashing out and "getting upset over the most small things" (at least that is what I am told).

Yes, there are ups and downs in my relationship but I am pushing myself to talk to psychiatrists, psychologists and therapists. So I can continue my healing process despite having a significant other.

"What else have you been thinking about?"

What? Like random thoughts?

"Yes."

There has been a lot of unhealed past trauma coming back that I thought I healed from more recently. I've gone through a lot. Whether that be physically, mentally or sexually. Recently, before I got with my significant other before him I was with a guy for about two weeks and it ended unfavorably for me.

"Can you talk about it?"

Yes, I can, it was one night that I was smokin' on my dab pen for a little bit and I was laying in bed with him. And he got horny as most men do and he was like "come on, babe, let's have some fun" and I was like "no, I am tired, let me sleep" and he literally started saying "if you don't I will fuck you to sleep" and I told him "that's not how that works" and he started getting up. I was laying down on my stomach with my head on my arm facing towards the mattress, at this moment I started feeling paralysis and he literally started pulling my pants down and he pulled down my shorts and boxer briefs and raped me.

"Why do you talk about it with no emotion?"

Honestly, because I've had so many unfavorable interactions in intercourse that it does not faze me. I have PTSD, their faces are engraved in my mind, their words and actions are just another sickening memory in my mind.

"Have you told anyone?"

Only a handful of people know and honestly, I don't tell people often because at the end of the day I feel like it was my fault. I put myself in those shitty ass positions and I hate to say it, I feel like I deserved it at that point.

"Has your PTSD ever affected your current or past relationships?"

Very much so. There are certain things I can't do because it while trigger me into a spiral and to be honest (unfortunately) not every significant other can sit through with their girlfriend/boyfriend and understand what they (the survivor) is saying. Not everyone is good with handling people cry and talk about their fucked up sexual experiences.

For my example, I feel shitty for being into the things I am sexually (kinks) because of my sexual abuse(s) and rapes. I know, I shouldn't feel guilty about what happened to me but I feel like because of the abusers, I have the kinks the kinks I do.

And so it's hard to have a healthy sexual relationship in the bedroom because I don't talk about the things I went through with my significant other because I don't want to scar him. And maybe that's where I fuck up but I don't talk about it with him because I feel when I express it to him he doesn't want to hear it (not because he doesn't care) but because I feel like it would break him to know some of the criminal shit I was forced to do and especially finding out how old I was when I went through the bullshit I went through.

Bottom line is, sharing your mental health history with your significant other is important because what you talk about today can help them understand in the future.

Sincerely,

The Loner