Sanders Sides one shots

Therapy

Ayo it's not smut XD. This is actually angst. It's a long one and please don't feel you have to read it all. Trigger warnings are self harm and attempted suicide.

How did I get here? I'm in a dark room, breath trembling with anticipation. My head feels light. I don't think there is a reasonable chance for me. I'm down bad. But let's start at the beginning...

I had the world, a family. Janus, Virgil and me. We were inseparable. We had a plan. Bring down Thomas so he had no choice but to accept the fact that we all were there. At first we sent Virgil.
He plauged our dear host with anxiety. It was glorious to watch. But then he met Patton. And Logan. And Roman. He started to ease up. He came back to the dark sides less and less. One day there was a note on the wall where his door once was. HEY, I'M A LIGHT SIDE NOW. SORRY. I WON'T TELL THEM YOUR PLAN. BYE.
I cried for hours, ate three times my normal amount of deodorant. Thank the Cracken I had Janus or I know I wouldn't have been able to live. I would have forced myself to bleed untill there was no blood left.
Determined as ever, Janus went ahead with the plan. All was great. He caused such a fuss, though Virgil pretended not to like him, Roman fell for his false complements. But Thomas warmed up to him too. Then Logan, then Patton.

I was alone.

I made my appearance, knocking out my brother. It was his fault that Janus left. Then I gave our lovely host some delightful intrusive thoughts. But it didn't feel good. Not like it used to.. Not without Janus.

No one else would help anymore. No more jokes. No more smiles. No more laughter. Nothing...
I couldn't stop my breathing. I could barely see.
"Who are you?" It was a voice I don't recognise. Strange, warm slightly like Patton's. But it wasn't.
"My name is... ," I said quietly.
"Who are you?" His voice was kind, gentle. Familiar. He sounded like a friend. Like someone I knew before this nightmare.
"I'm nobody." The words slipped from my lips. They were hard to keep together.
"Well, hello Nobody. I'm Emile." I think a moment.
"Are you a new dark side?"
"I'm not technically a side. I am the inbuilt urge to help those in need. I am Dr Emile Picani. The cartoon therapist."  He laughed softly, making me relax slightly.
"What's your name?" I asked, my voice sounding small.
"Your name is... I'm sorry. I don't remember what that is." I sighed.
"It's Remus Sanders." He thought again.
"I'm glad you're okay now."
"Bitch, I was never OK. I never will be."
"Good thing I came along..." Dr Picani mused.
I looked at him. He sat down. "So... Are you alone here?" I nodded. "wanna talk about it....?"  Another nod. "Alright. Well, do you want a bed or something comfortable to lay down on?" I shook my head, I couldn't bear any more movement. Dr Picani chuckled, "You sure?" Another nod. "Ok. Why don't you just tell me about yourself?" Another nod.
"Ok. So. How old are you?"
"Twenty"
. "Oh, wow!" He looked at his notes. "You look about fourteen or fifteen. You've lived here for a while already, huh? What's your favourite colour?" I hesitated. That wasn't something I'd usually say... But I guess...
"Red."
"Why is that?"
"it reminds me of my twin... Roman..."
Tears sting my eyes as I recall the happy memories of him. I blink them away, detimimed not to cry.  If Dr Picani noticed, he didn't make mention of it. "Okay, so red then. Do you have anyone special?" I hesitated, my hands notting together.  "I... No." Dr Picani seemed disappointed. "Oh. Ok." He turned to the book beside him.
"Would you like to join us today, Remus?"
"Uhuh," I mumbled.
"Come along then!"  
.
The door shut behind me and I stumbled. "Whoa, are you ok?" Dr Picani caught my arm.
"Yeah! Sorry! Just clumsy." He smiled.  "So what kind of music are you into?" I pulled my phone from my pocket.
"Anything you're into."
"Hmm," I put in my headphones and turned the volume low. ". .. So, what's the name of your twin?"
"Ro."
"Ro! That sounds wonderful!"
"Thank you."
"Can I ask you a question?"
"Yes."
"How does it feel to be on the other side?" I paused. This was a question I hadn't really considered until now. The last time I saw Janus I was... Well, happy.
"Honestly, I'm scared."
"Scared?"
"Yeah. Scared. I'm terrified. Of everything."
"That makes sense. That happens to most dark sides. There are some who have a very different outlook to others. It may take a while, but you'll adapt."
"Yeah I hope so..."
He started to pluse with a dim pink light. "I have to go." he smiled. "see you soon"
He faded away into nothing.
Damn. Alone again. "I can't take another fuckin second if this shit!" I yell. I summon the knife Roman had given me when we were kids. It's green handle twinkled . It's blade was pristine. I had never used it. Now was the time. I look down at my wrist. So clean and pink. So fleshy. With a sigh, I grab some paper towels. I wouldn't want ruin the floor. I settle on the ground away from anthing soft that could stain. I grip the knife.  My heart is racing. I breathe deeply. I hold the knife over my forearm, ready for pain.
Just as quickly, the knife falls. My wrist doesn't hurt at all, I only feel warm liquid seeping through my fingers. I look down at the wound. It's bad. I look up. I'l see him again.
The sound of footsteps approach my hiding place. I pull my hand off my arm. Blood.
"Hey there."
I jump up, knife raised, ready to attack.
"Woah, woah, calm down. What happened?" It's Roman.
"Nothing, it's fine. Where have you been?"
"I just wanted to check on you." I lower my knife slowly.
"Oh, well thank you."
"Don't mention it. What are you doing?"
I look around. "Just cleaning up."
"You sure you're not hurting yourself?"
"Of course I'm not.Dont panic. That's Virgils job." I joke. Roman doesn't laugh. "I can see your lying. There is literally cuts on your arm. Eh?"  I raise my arm. Roman frowns.
"Remus... What did you do to yourself? You should see a doctor. Or at least call a nurse."
"Roman, I am fine. I know how to handle wounds like these. And besides. It's not that serious. I have self control."
"Self control?" He looks horrified.
"Yeah, I know, I know. But it works."
"It doesn't work!"
"But I can care for myself if I try hard enough. Right now I won't. I don't have the energy to do it."
"So you're waiting till you can?" I don't respond. He snatches the knife out of my hand.
"Roman, let me get that back!"
"No! Listen, you shouldn't do this! It's stupid, reckless, dangerous! You're going to die!" I glare at him.
"You don't know me Roman."  His face changes. He looks sad.
"Maybe not, but you look awful. Your skin is pale and waxy. You have bags under your eyes. And your hair is a mess, you haven't washed it in ages. You look like hell. Let me help you."
"No."
"Please. At least let me clean you up."
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because. If I let you help, then you won't leave me alone. You won't stop asking questions. And no matter what I say, you always seem upset."
"What do you want me to do, Remus?! Stay here and watch you die?"
"If that's what you want." I use his momentary shock to take back the knife. "I don't want you here." I say.
"Fine. Then I'll go. But don't come running to me when you need help."
"I won't. Bye Roman."
"Bye Remus."
God. I wish he knew what I know. That's the last time he will ever say goodbye to me. I love him. My brother.
I grab some paper, summoning a green pen. I scribble something down. A paragraph for each side. Patton. Logan. Virgil. Janus. Roman. Not that any of them would miss me.  I think. I fold it, putting the piece in a little envelope and sticking it inside one of my notebooks. I turn it over.  Then written underneath it is 'don't forget me'.
A tear runs down my cheek. I wipe it away. It hurts. It stings. It burns. I take the blade, hovering it above my arm. I am ready.  Then I hear a noise.
. I turn towards the entrance. Roman. He's standing there. He stares at me. I turn away. He walks closer. I close my eyes, taking deep breaths. He sits next to me.
"Remus?"
"Leave me alone."
"Remus..."
He moves closer. He's not gonna stop me this time. I make one cut. Then another. And still he comes closer. "leave..." I breathe. He ignores me. I cut again. I can feel the desperation build. I cut again, more aggressive than the last.  Then a new voice.
"Stop!"
Both me and Roman freeze.
"I said STOP!" I look at Roman. He's staring ahead, his eyes wide open.
My head turns slowly. Standing across from me is Thomas. His eyes are locked onto my arm. "What are you doing?!" He shouts.
"I'm not-"
"Yes you are! Are you trying to kill yourself?!" He rushes forward and stops me from cutting again. Tears fall from my cheeks. "Are you crazy!?" He shouts. I shake my head.
"Don't you understand? I can't live without you!" Thomas doesn't listen. He doesn't care.  "Let go of my arm!"
"I can't! Look at it!" I look down. There's blood everywhere. He's right. I can't see the cuts anymore. He takes both the papers out from under my notebook. "This isn't good. We need to get you to a doctor."
I shake my head."No. Just let me die." I thrash against his grip, worsening the bleeding. I will succeed. I will not live. He lets me go. "Remus. Do I have to get Patton?" I shake my head. I don't want anything. Only death. I can't even cry. "Im fine. Honest." I know they will believe me.
I notice Roman slip away.  He must be going to tell them that I'm okay. Good riddance. He leaves me to Thomas. I collapse onto the floor, my arms limp by my sides.
"What's wrong with you?" Thomas says.
I don't answer.
"Remus, are you listening to me?!" He raises his voice.
"Go away."
"...Remus? Answer me! I need to know what's wrong with you!"
"Thomas, I don't wanna talk about it." I push myself back up and walk past him.
"Remus." I ignore him. I start heading out the door. My head spins in reluctance. My knees shake. My vision is slighlty blurry.
"Remus, don't leave me alone!"
I turn. He looks worried. I smile at him. "Don't worry. I won't." I turn back around and continue walking.
"Wait! Wait please don't!"