Sanders Sides one shots

2022

Before we start, thanks for all the love this book has been getting!
Human AU

Impossible Year by Panic! at the Disco

Trigger warnings: talk of the pandemic, mentioned abuse, mentioned self-harm

2022. Janus hated it. Eleven long months had gone by. Things were still bad. A deadly virus had swept through the entire world. His studies had been completely stopped. His entire life had been torn apart. He had lost the two most important people in his life. His brother and boyfriend. "Logan. I hope Mother is watching you. Patton... I still love you... I will never love another."

He pressed play on his phone. The song started its slow melody, his heart keeping time. He knew he should go outside, feed his dog, anything. But he couldn't. He lay on his sofa, waiting for his father to return home.

The singer's voice sounded in his ears. Janus began relating each lyric to an aspect of his days. 

There's no sunshine

It was raining. No sun shining in Florida.

This impossible year

There was no way he could do anything. It was literally illegal to see his friend.

Only black days and sky grey

It had been raining for three days straight.

And clouds full of fear

Everyone he knew was terrified about getting this virus and dying. Even his father was out less.

And storms full of sorrow

He was fairly sure he could only feel sadness.

That won't disappear

Come to think of it, he was probably depressed.

Just typhoons and monsoons

Yeah. His tears. His pain. Just a never-ending flood of suffering.

This impossible year

This year had been the worst possible. The world had stopped entirely. Janus had stopped working.

There's no good times

The only thing he had was a break from the beatings that his father gave him. Surely that wasn't a good time?

This impossible year

No matter what he did, this year was not going to change.

Just a beachfront of bad blood

He lived with his dad. That was enough for him. Janus knew that across the border that a very dumb man was in charge. It seemed that every world leader was either stupid, mean or both.

And a coast that's unclear

The future wasn't feeling too certain. Nobody knew if this virus would be the end of the human race. If it would cause some new mutant variation of humanity. Nobody knew.

All the guests at the party

That is what life is. A party. Each person is just a guest. A visitor. Not a permanent member.

They're so insincere

The very idea of society is a lie. Why would it be anything other than a lie? Everybody lies. Says they are part of some party of people they don't even know. Anything to be part of a label.

They just intrude and exclude

That was so damn true. Society was infamous for inserting itself into the most private parts of your life and judging you. And if it didn't like who you are, what you like, who you love, well, it's game over.

This impossible year

Things could only get better, right? After all, this year had been so shitty. The only way is up. Janus hoped he was right.

There's no you and me

This is the year that he had lost the only people he could ever love. His brother, Logan, was the first one. The first victim in his life to die. He had caught the damn virus and refused to go to the hospital, no matter how ill he became. His boyfriend was the next one. Patton was always the first person to volunteer for charity work. He had a heart of gold. And he was taken, too.

This impossible year

Janus hoped with all his remaining heart that 2023 would be better. He couldn't take another year like this.

Only heartache and heartbreak

His two most important people had been taken. Of course, his heart was aching, breaking. It was the only thing he felt, these days.

And gin made of tears

Alcohol played a huge part in his existence. He was either drinking it or watching his father do so. And, God, did he hate how much they both drank.

The bitter pill I swallow

The doctor had given him happy pills. Not only were they awful to swallow, but they also did nothing at all for him. He felt no relief, nothing at all. Only the empty ache in his chest.

The scars souvenir

The scars. The dammed scars on his wrists. They were the permanent reminder that he was on his own. That he had nobody left to care about him.

That tattoo, your last bruise

The dark shapes that littered his back, thighs and stomach may well have been tattoos; they never left at all. Who knew a belt buckle could leave such marks?

This impossible year

Janus knew it was silly, but he spent every 11:11 on the clock making wishes that 2023 would at least be slightly better than the current hell he was stuck in.

There's never air to breathe

It seemed that if he did ever feel anything, it was sheer panic. The panic attacks. They were awful. He could do nothing to stop them, nothing but sit there and pass out. At least he was getting some sleep.

There's never in-betweens

He was either blindly panicking or sitting without a thought behind his eyes. He should have been concerned about it.

These nightmares always hang on past the dream

That's what it felt like. When he was asleep, the dreams of his brother dying in front of him would haunt him. When he was awake, all he could think about was if he could have done something, anything, to save Logan.

There's no sunshine

He noticed how it always seemed to rain when he was out. It was probably a sign that he should give up.

There's no you and me

Everybody was looking after themselves. There was no community, only the individual. It was shattering to see.

There's no good times

Life was, in short, shit. Janus was not afraid to admit that he would rather be dead than alive. Because then he would have Logan and Patton back.

This impossible year

He had written this exact phrase in his diary so many times. He was ready to die. Any day now.