Sanders Sides one shots

When Lies become the truth

I don't know why but I think Janus angst is underrated. TW: self harm and suicide

Why couldn't they see? All they ever did was push him away... All he ever did was care for Thomas...
After another long round of insults, Janus retreats to his room. He bolts the door. He throws his hat. Tears stream down his face. He feels the tug of being summoned. He wipes his eyes and follows.
Thomas was on his own. "Are you okay, Janus?" the host looks at the deceitful side. "Yeah. I'm fine."
Thomas looks closely. "You don't seem fine..." he mused. "Well. I am. I am fine. Is there anything you needed? Or did you just want to call me a liar?" Janus doesn't wait  for an answer. Instead, he leaves.
Once again, he disappears into his subconscious. The darkness is familiar now. It feels comfortable.
Janus walks through the halls of the mind palace until he reaches his room. He sits on the bed. His head is in his hands. He takes deep breaths.
He doesn' know how long he stays like that. Then he hears a knock on his door. He looks up. His friend, Patton, stands there.
"Hey. Hey! You okay?" he asks.
Janus simply nods and stands. "I'm fine. Just tired."
"It's been a tough day," Patton agrees. "How are you doing though?"
"Doing well," Janus says softly. "Just a little tired."
"Want some company?" Patton offers.
"No thank you. That would be much appreciated."
"Okay. Well, I'll see you in the morning!" Patton closes the door behind himself.
Janus stares at the floor. There isn't much he can do anymore. Sooner or later, the other sides will notice he's gone...
They won't care... Right?
'i don't want to be alone anymore...' he thinks to himself.

But no matter how hard he tries, the thought is denied.
Janus falls asleep curled up in a ball against the wall. He wakes up only when Logan enters his room.
"Good evening, Janus," Logan greets. "May I come in?"
"Sure. I've got nothing better to do," the yellow trait answers.
"Is everything alright?" Logan asks. he doesn't know why Janus is acting so weirdly.
"Oh yes, perfectly fine," the deceitful Side lies. He stands from the bed. "Did you need something?"
"Yes actually," Logan says. He moves closer to the bed until he and Janus are only inches apart.
"What is it?" Janus asks.
Logan places one hand on Janus's cheek. "Can we talk?"
The deceitful Side looks up at the taller Side with confusion.
"There is something wrong with you," Logan states. "And I think you need to tell someone about it."
The two share a look before Logan turns around and leaves.
Janus doesn't feel ready to say anything...
Chapter 2
Logan tells him that he should be kinder. Then all the sides would like him. Fuck Logan.  Janus can't help but wonder how much longer his patience will last.
He spends hours alone in his room. Eventually, the others realize he hasn't eaten anything since lunchtime. They bring him food. But the deceitful Side doesn't even take a bite.
Finally, they leave him alone. He falls back onto his bed. The dark thoughts intensify. Suddenly, there's a knife in his hand, hovering over his wrist.  Slowly, Janus begins slicing at his skin. His eyes widen in surprise. Why'd he do this?! No one would miss him anyway.
"No, you're going to regret this," he tells himself. His arm begins to hurt more than it already does, but he keeps cutting. Finally, his wrist bleeds red. He keeps cutting and  cuts until the blood covers the blade. He drops it.
Suddenly, he realizes what he had done. He's horrified. What will everyone think when they see his wrist bleeding and cut up? How long will it take for them to realize? How long will they stay angry with him?
Before Janus can process any of these thoughts, his door opens. The light in the hallway illuminates his room, making it visible to everyone outside.
"JANUS?!" Patton gasps. The others are silent.
"Hi Patton," Janus responds, sounding as casual as possible. He tries not to make eye contact with anyone.
"What happened!?" Patton demands. He steps inside and immediately goes to examine Janus's wounds.
"I don't know. I was just sitting and then I started cutting myself and then I stopped." The words come out almost automatically.
Janus notices Logan. He looks like he could be sick.
"Janus... Did you... Try to kill yourself...?"  Logan questions.
"Of course not. Of course not," Janus says, looking up.
"Then what were you trying to do? Was it suicide?"
"No."
"Was it self harm?"
"NO!" Janus shouts. "Stop! Please stop!"
The other sides are still silent. Janus takes a shaky breath.
"It wasn't suicide," he whispers. "I just wanted a moment of peace... For once."
"But why? You said you were okay-"
"I lied. I didn't want you guys to hate me for lying."
"So you decided to die." Logan' voice is cold and emotionless.
"I... Yes. I guess so..."
"You suppose so?! Janus, your wrist is bloody!"
"It's fine. I'm used to it."
"I don't think you are. If you keep doing this, it'll get infected and you might end up dying."
"That is my choice to make."
"You don't make choices, Janus. You make emotions."
"I'm sorry I made you worry," Janus sighs. "I promise I'll try and stop."
"You'd better." With that, Logan leaves the room.
The others follow him. Alone again, Janus can finish what he started. He takes the knife in his left hand and he holds it to his right arm.  After several minutes, Janus stops to rest his arms. Blood has covered the knife. It looks awful. He doesn't want to look at it. He doesn't want to remember. He starts cutting again.
When there's no more room for him to cut, he moves to his thighs. His breathing is heavy.  His heart is pounding.
"Please," Janus begs. "Let me just die." He wants to. He wants to stop hurting so much. An idea flashes across his mind. The blade rests on his collar bone.
'Maybe...' he muses. He pushes forward. Pain shoots up his body. The blade pierces his skin.
A cry escapes Janus's throat. He pulls the blade out of his skin. It makes a horrible sucking noise as it comes out. Janus lets the knife fall to the floor. He falls to his knees. His eyes are closed.
He waits... Waits for death to come.
Instead, the pain fades away. He opens his eyes. He stares at the knife laying by his foot. His stomach flips. He feels nauseous. He doesn't understand what's happening. He looks at the knife again. His vision is blurry.
He feels dizzy.
He looks down.
His arm is covered in red.
Janus can barely hold himself together. He falls to the ground.
"Janus?" a soft voice calls. "Janus, are you okay?"  A hand helps him up. He sees blue and purple.
"Whoa, buddy," Logan says gently. "Don't pass out."
"What did you do?" Virgil exclaims. "You have blood all over you!"
"I... I couldn't handle it anymore." Janus feels numb. "I just wanted it to stop."
"Well... That didn't work."
"No. It didn't," Janus admits. He can hear tears beginning to form.
"Shh." Logan rubs Janus's arm. "We're here. We can fix you."
Virgil reaches his hand over to touch Janus's shoulder. He squeezes it lightly. Janus cries. "I'm so fucking sorry... Don't waste your time with me..." he pulls back weakly and falls to the ground. "Just let me die."
"Nooo," Logan protests. "Not yet, Janus!"
"I'm done," the smaller side murmurs. "Let me die." He sits against the wall.
"Come on, Janus, please. Let us help."
"You have enough to worry about. Just let me die..." he says.
"Not an option. Come on, Janus."
"I can't... Do anything."
"Yes you can. Help me take away the voices. Please."
"Okay..."
With some effort, Logan manages to drag Janus into his arms. He carries him over to the couch where he collapses. "I'm sorry..." Janus whispers, before slipping away into the darkness of death.
"Janus!" Patton cries.
Virgil kneels beside the smaller Side, who lays lifelessly on the sofa. "Oh god..."
The end.