A Broken Blank

Chapter Three: Old Habits

*may be slightly triggering

{Bella's p.o.v}

When I left I planned on starting a new. In fact I promised to try to stay a new and away from the past. But my mind had lingered on her the whole day. It only felt right. So as many people left class to go back to their dorms I had other plans. I packed up my stuff and hopped on my cyan blue bike that I got when I was sixteen instead of a car. I pedaled for almost five miles before reaching St.'s cemetery the place my heart wanted nothing to do with but my soul belonged, six feet underground accompanied by layers of dirt and insects.

I park my bike at the opening of the small grave yard and walk through. It seems almost like a natural instinct my feet walking the same twelve paces then turning right with out even thinking about it. They just do it and next thing I know I'm there. I'm six feet above her but I'm the furtherest six feet above her. An unbreakable binding six feet and there's only one way to get any closer. Next thing I know I'm on my knees the moist soil seeping into my black skinny jeans. I lay in a heap crying. Why did I come I knew that it would trigger me. I said I was going to try my hardest. I did this to myself, again. And then they start up, the attacking self blaming spastic action causing thoughts.

As usual they start simple pushing into my mind telling me I'll never get better that I'm a lost cause. Slowly they get worse they begin telling me it was my fault. That I'm the only one to blame. My breathing falls shorter and shorter and my lungs get tight and I begin rocking back and for mutter things like stop, saying it more sternly each time. But they don't stop In fact they penetrate deeper into my brain, into my blood. The negative words flow through my body killing me but keeping me alive: just barely.

They continue for hours just making me realize my actual reality that any plan of escaping or healing is hopeless and I should give up now, and I want to. In fact I don't remember why I haven't. With new intentions and a steadier breathing pattern I hop back one my bike and pedal this time much faster but my steering much shakier. When I get about one mile away from campus it's only 7:32 and I don't really want to see Luke or Renny so I decide to stop in the local grocery store.

I grab a pack of razors and a first aid kit half my brain saying "yes, good job" the other half screaming "what the heck are you doing do you call this trying" I shrug both sides of and let numbness set in. I decide to grab some green tea for Renny, a jar of vegemite for Luke and a pack of sugar free gum. Now things seem a little less suspicious. I set the items on the register and try super hard to avoid eye contact with the cashier knowing my eyes are red and I look like a total wreck. She tells me my total $19.86 and I hand her a twenty dollar bill telling her to keep the change. I grab the six items and quickly exit. I stick the razors and first aid kit into my back pack and the attach the grocery bag onto my bike. As I hop on I feel my phone vibrate and check only to see Luke's beautiful self taken contact photo.

Before I answer I prepare myself to use my "oh the world is a bundle of joy and I couldn't be happier" tone. I slide my finger across the screen and immediately hear a worried Luke going on a lecture about where the hell am I and why haven't I called or anything. I tell him I felt like biking and that I wanted to stop at the store to pick up somethings. I ask him how Renny is and he tells me she is asleep which I am so thankful she is that means I'll only have to lie to Luke which will be much easier, but still not easy. The one mile to campus ended up taking a lot longer then I expected but I didn't mind. The night breeze felt nice and cleared my head pretty well. My mind was so blank, just thought free. It felt better then the feelings from earlier but still the blank meant I was broken.

*******************************************************************************

When I got home Luke was sitting on the counter his arms crossed sloppily over his chest sending a disproving glare at me. I clear my throat before saying "what" a little sassier then I meant to.

"What? Are you kidding me? I thought you were kidnapped missy so don't come in here with an 'I'm punk I do what I want' attitude after leaving for several hours!" he says exasperatedly.

"Sorry, didn't realize I was twelve years old again." I sneer trying not to boil over. This mood always seems to be an after effect of a panic attack. The mood in which the slightest thing can set me a fire and leave me and a emotional heap of anger and frustration and sadness.

"Bella! You know what I mean't. There is no need for you to be sorry but please just tell me where you are next time. Okay?"

"Okay. You don't need to be all fault in the starsy to make an agreement, dad" I say still sassful as I walk away grabbing my backpack and heading to my room.

"Oh here" I say tossing the vegemite at him "I picked this up while I was out" and with that I stomp of to my room down the hall.

When I get to my room I unload my backpack I put the razors and first aid kit into the bottom drawer of my dresser burying them slightly under some extra large t-shirts. I take out the tea and gum and set them on top of the dresser. I throw away the now empty plastic bag and then take out an index card. I still have about an hour till Luke goes to bed. So I figured I should write Ren a note to attach to her tea to maybe make her day a little better. At least I may be able to help someone.

Dear Ren,

hope you have a good day. Don't let any asshole ruin your amazingness. Try something new {maybe tomatoes,again} and stay safe. See you at dinner?

xo Bella ox

I tape the small message to the bottle and then quickly scamper across the hall and set the bottle outside her door then dart back to my room to avoid Luke at all cost.

At about 10:00 there is a knock on my door and a tired Luke's scratchy voice.

"Hey Bells I'm going going to bed and you should to" he says "If you aren't already" he added shortly after.

Instead of answering I decide to go with the I'm asleep excuse which is very hard to believe because I've had insomnia since day one but it works and a few moments later I hear foot steps walking away from the door and down the hall. I realize I had been holding my breath the almost the whole time Luke was standing there. I begin to breathe intensely until i catch up from the ones I lost. I organize my room and my drawers until I'm almost certain Luke (and Ren) are asleep. After my room is straitened I no longer felt the need to slaughter my skin so I remained clean another day putting me at 17 days clean. I wanted to throw the razors away but there was still one part of me craving bloodshed so I couldn't bring myself to do it, also I didn't want to go near them in spite of fear. Instead I did a bit of homework whilst playing the future hearts all time low album for about the 25th time since it came out the week before. At 2:00 am I decided it best to go to sleep due to the fact my alarms would ring four hours later at six for my phycology class. It was my only early class and the only reason it was at 7 am was the fact no one wanted to take it so the teacher said she would hold one small class in the mid-ams. I drifted off to the soothing sounds of my chemical romance as I had put their albums on shuffle after future hearts was done playing.

+++++++

okay this is third chapter thanks for reading :) i will probably update friday???? i hope. hope you guys liked it!