SMITTEN || J.JK

21| Chasing the high

Her legs fold on the soft mattress and I give her the space to declutter her mind before I rub a small patch on the back of her palm.Her eyelashes bat on my fingers caressing her soft skin, her throat bobs to gulp down lungful of air before she parts her lips.I spare a glance at her fingers as they fiddle anxiously, indicating the tension brewing in her chest.I'm hoping this isn't a matter concerning her mother because if anything, I hate to see her like this, helpless yet completely selfless to protect someone who isn't worth her care.

"I know this is probably not a big issue for some girls….but I kind of find it….difficult to masturbate…like I know it's good and there's nothing wrong with exploring this and experimenting but I can't seem to know how to….how to do it the right way. I don't feel comfortable doing it.",She nibbles on her bottom lip,my eyes scrutinising her expressions as she stops abruptly and leaves me in confusion. I don't know if I should be relieved at the subject of her stress or absorb the knowledge that she's keen to explore herself. Either way, I lean forth to inch myself near her and tread carefully.

"How did you feel when someone else touched you there?",The thought of someone else getting the privilege to pleasure y/n is aggravating for my mind but I force myself to steer my brain clear of jealousy and discuss this with her.

Her eyes blink tentatively at me and her lips space to answer me but no words escape from her mouth for the first few seconds.She drops her gaze on her lap before facing me again."Nobody has……It hasn't happened to me yet.",I refuse to believe her for a millisecond but as soon as I sense embarrassment on her face, I realise the truth and thoughts line up on cue in my mind.She had an asshole boyfriend and he didn't even care to make her feel good? What can possibly be more pathetic than this?If anything, he needs to fucking kneel on his knees and beg for forgiveness for all the circumstances and trauma he forced her to go through.

"Your ex, he didn't pleasure you?",She gulps down a lump of air down her throat and presses her lips at my question."No, like we did have sex but he never did oral on me. It was only me giving him blowjobs so I felt maybe he didn't like to do it with me.",Her sentence ends in a whisper as if she's ashamed to admit this fact when the only person who is to blame here is her ex.

All the rage and vexation has now towered even more, making me realise this bastard had no limits of abomination. He had this amazing girl has his girlfriend, the person who selflessly gave her everything and had blind faith in him and he dared to fuck this up? Just how fucking mindless one can be? As if this wasn't enough, he made her insecure about her self-esteem and body which is now the sole reason for her feeling incapable. He better have his guardian angels protecting his stars because there's no way in hell I'm going to control my anger if I see him. I might even get reported for beating him lifeless and that still wouldn't stop me from putting him in an insolent state.

I have to suck a sharp breath to calm the storm in my chest and talk this with her for this is clearly not the time to put him as my priority."Is that why you're scared to touch yourself? Because you feel you wouldn't feel the pleasure and you would be disappointed?",I choose my words carefully and she shifts uncomfortably but puts her eyes on me which is a good sign.

"Yes…..I don't know if it'll be as good as everyone makes it look. I had friends in
my previous school, telling me this was normal between couples but whenever this came up between me and him, he always shrugged it saying he wasn't in the mood or said he couldn't wait to be inside me.",She reveals something that I already had a hint of but her words take me aback.He didn't think of her because he wasn't in the goddamn mood? Every word he has spoken to her is utter bullshit and enough to make him rot in hell. 

My temper is slowly surpassing every boundary that I'm building to compose myself but I can't even imagine how betrayed she must've felt. She has been deceived, lied to and betrayed by everybody who she believed to be hers, including her own mother and this induces both pain and wrath in my heart.