SMITTEN || J.JK

4| Apprehensive

"What?",I can't hide my surprise, realising that she might actually consider being friends with benefits when I've barely seen her talking to anyone except Joonsu."How do you do everything sexual with the other person and still not feel for them?",She repeats but it's the curiosity in her eyes that makes me aware that she's never been acquainted with that type of arrangement.My mind filled with nothing to enlighten her about, I retrieve my seat besides her, overlooking my friends that are struggling on the track.

"It's not that you stop feeling when you choose the relationship. It's the fact that you'll never feel romantically for them that assures a smooth arrangement.You just fullfil each other's sexual needs and clear everything about your feelings before agreeing.",I attempt my best to give her the most accurate meaning from my understanding and turn in her direction to reach out to her perspective. Her eyes hover over my face for a few seconds as if she's comprehending all the plausible words that she should phrase but gives up sooner than expected."Why do you use "arrangement " to call it? It's so…. professional",I almost laugh at her choice of question but I've known her mind a bit by now.She doesn't question logically and acts on her instincts which is admirable.

"Because it is.In my case, I know I don't feel for her and she already knows about it so it's okay.",My answer gets her to give me a gentle nod but something about her makes me feel like she never rests."But why don't you feel for her?",She shifts in her seat to lean forth, closing the distance between us, my sight now completely consumed by her face.

"Why are you so interested in my life?",The emotions in my heart slip from my mouth and I notice the dejection that crosses over her face when she licks her lips, flustered to crowd me with a bundle of questions.She doesn't say anything but motions away, her hands catching hold of the book to continue her reading. This sudden change in her behaviour induces guilt in my body and I blame myself for it. She doesn't need to know about the reason for the time being but despite all the reasons, watching her refrain like this made me feel bad. What is wrong with me? Why do I seem to hurt her all the time?

I take a glimpse of her one last time before the teacher calls for me and fixate my eyes on the field to focus on the routine.

— 6:30 P.M.—

The package that now turns my eyes sore at a mere glance bounces in air before I catch it and shove it in the pockets of my sweatpants. I keep an eye on y/n's house as the lane conjoining the crossroad comes into my vision but my eyes wander around the surroundings nonchalantly. The park in front of her house is vacant except for a swing occupied by her so I pause in my pace.Upon moving across the entrance, I notice her feet paddling on the sand, scribbling some alphabets on the ground with her eyes focused downwards. I have a strong feeling that something is wrong with her from the past few days. Instead of an annoying yet cheerful brat, she has lost the beam of excitement in her.

I don't give it a second thought and interrupt her little calligraphy session by teasing her casually."Hey, pocky.",She raises her eyes to peek at me but sets them again on the ground. She didn't pay attention to my nickname for her, something is definitely strange with her.I occupy the swing next to her, my hand gliding inside my pocket to fish out her favourite milk and bounce it in her hold.She catches it without any hesitation and instantly tucks the straw in to sip on the liquid.This will never change about her no matter what.

"I don't feel like I'm capable of feeling love.",I initiate the conversation casually, her face shooting towards me and I continue after making sure she's listening intently to me."It's scary, difficult and often fails.There was this girl,Soorin.We were in love or maybe it was only me.",The bitter memories rewind in my mind but I control myself from breaking again.It can't happen again after all this time."I really loved her but then one day, she came to me and said I wasn't a good boyfriend to her. She thought I was protective, clingy and that I…stopped her from growing as an individual person.So, we broke up. It was tough for me because I really give my everything once I get attached to a person. It's been 8 months since we broke up but I still feel that I can't go through it again.I don't want to feel the constant fear of losing someone who means a lot to me. It's kind of better to not have someone so close to you rather than always having the risk of losing them.",I pour my heart, a huge weight clenching my chest and I feel my eyes heavy so I blink to steer away all the possible chances of sobbing like an idiot in front of her. I can't bring myself to tell her the whole truth because I know I'm yet to heal completely but when I look at her, she gives me the most tender expression of support by smiling at me.