chaos

my final love letter: never again.

i don't cry about u anymore.
not while i lay in bed half asleep
not in the shower, scalding hot water running down my back. the tears used to mix with the shower water.
but not anymore
never again.
but
sometimes i still get a feeling in my chest
the missing feeling
not missing u
but just missing having a companion
someone i could stay up with for hours and hours
watch tv shows, movies, read books together.
someone to hug, kiss, laugh, and smile with.
i miss having a distraction
a person to fill the hole, the void.
someone to squeeze
to cry with
to love more than anything else in this world.
because i did love u more than anything else in this world
but it was never enough
never ever enough
and i am so happy u are gone because finally i am enough.
i am enough for myself
and my friends parents
christina loves me like her own.
feeds me, takes me home when im too tired to drive.
nothing i did was ever going to be enough was it?
u wanted to have ever piece of me to urself
i gave u my body
i gave u my heart
i gave u my soul.
and u fucking threw me away.
U THREW ME AWAY AND I GAVE U EVERY PIECE OF MYSELF I HAD THE PIECES I HATED THE PIECES I NEVER LOVED NEVER TRUSTED AND U MADE ME THINK U CARED AND U DIDNT U NEVER DID BECAUSE IF U DID U WOULDNT HAVE THROWN ME AWAY SO QUICKLY.
and i'm not crying writing this
and i'm not fuming
angry
punching my pillow
i feel calm
i have taken back ownership of my body, mind, and soul and no person will ever take that away from me again.
u showed me how to love conditionally.
how to love in a sick twisted way
and i will untangle the cords and learn to love again but i will never let someone take over me again.
never.
so my tears are gone for u
i collected them in little jars waiting for u to come back.
and now i have thrown away the jars and the tears and i hope u never come back.