As It Was ▸ Obi-Wan Kenobi

7. Pep-Talks

It was months after our kiss in the War-Room and every time I could find an excuse to visit The Negotiator and its General I gladly repeated the practice. Frankly, I'd only visited twice because I had my own fleet to run, but it kept me on my toes, just knowing that Obi-Wan would be there if I went to visit. It was never more than stolen kisses and whispered adorations but I found I didn't want more. Not now, maybe not ever.

"Do you remember when they first told you that you'd be a general in this war?" Obi-Wan asked.

I was curled up in his lap where we sat on the floor with our backs to the bridge and looking out into the vastness of space.

"I do. Vividly. It was right here in this room," I said, not wanting to recall the memory.

"I only ask because I want you to know that what you felt then, for once in your life you were wrong. You are a wonderful General."

I craned my head to look up at him, "And you know that I would have refused to do it if it hadn't been for you."

He glanced down at me, "What do you mean?"

"You gave me this whole pep-talk. About how I was one of the most accomplished Jedi of the age and if anyone was prepared to lead an army, it was me."

"And it was true. Still is," he smiled.

"And you gave me this hug," I started, "it made me feel like it would all be okay."

"Because it was going to be," Obi-Wan sighed, placing a kiss on my head.

"And," I paused, not sure how to get the words out but knowing I was ready to say them, "that's when I knew I loved you."

I paused because Obi-Wan had pulled away so he could see me, hands still grasping mine but now sitting cross legged.

"But especially in this war," I continued, feeling cruel that I'd make this confession of love but litter it with my war philosophy, "it would have been excusable for us to fall in love. The whole world has gone to shit and even if we win, it would never have been the same. Too much has changed. The Jedi order will be reorganized. I just wish we'd known it then."

Obi-Wan looked like he didn't know what to say, "How are you so sure?"

"I can feel it," I said, surprised, "Can you not?"

Obi-Wan frowned and I continued, "Something has shifted. Too much is different now, even the Force feels different. Maybe it's just that the Dark side has gained too much power, but we can never go back to those ancient traditions if we hope to retain anything of the Jedi.

Obi-Wan drew back further, staring intently, "Those are dangerous words Cecil Palmarin."

I rolled my eyes, "I know. That's why I haven't said them out loud before. But whatever happens, it won't be the same."

Obi-Wan didn't respond but I could tell he was weighing my words, his Force presence full of conflict and apprehension.

"But we don't have to worry about that yet," I said, reaching up to soothe his hair away from his face; in the last couple months it had started to get long again.

"What worries me Cecil, is that you are always right," Obi-Wan mused.

"No I'm not-"

"About the things that matter, you tend to be. You have excellent intuition. And I just don't know if I'm ready to confront that reality."

"You can't live in the confines of the Jedi Order's reality forever."

"Couldn't I? That is the call of the Jedi, is it not?"

"Not anymore," I whispered.

"But-"

"And you know far better than I, Obi-Wan, it's not about the Jedi. It's about the Force. You could live without the Jedi. But not the Force. That's the life we will always be tied to."

"Hmm," Obi-Wan said, his eyes focusing on something far away. I could feel him contemplating again, mind working over what I said. A pang of anxiety hit me in knowing how much value he placed in my opinion - and that with this knowledge I would so willingly shatter the little shard of hope that was left for returning to the time before.