The Plague Doctor [RATED R] ✓

(39) Dead Roses [m]

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"LET'S END THIS. WHATEVER we were about to start...let's end it now," I say, staring at the floor while my hands tremble. I didn't want to look up and see his reaction. Will he be hurt? Will he look disappointed, relieved, or indifferent? What kind of face are you making now, Mateo?

     The only thing I could hear was my heart beating fast, as well as the priest who was doing his sermon behind us.

     "P-please...please say something," I say, clenching my hand.

     Teo was quiet for a while, but then he called out my name, making my entire body tremble. How can one man make me feel this way simply by hearing my name come out of his mouth?

     "Bishop," he calls out again, and I finally lift my head up to look at his face. I thought Teo would look sad, but to my surprise, he looked calm, almost like he was trying to understand my feelings. Such a reaction made my heart ache even more. How much more will Teo prove that I don't deserve him?

     "Bishop, how will I give you an answer if you're not even going to look at me," he says, pulling out a handkerchief and reaching out to wipe the tears in my cheeks that I wasn't even able to realize.

     When did I start crying?

     "When you say something so serious, you have to tell me why so I'll understand," he says, and I immediately push his hand away.

     "Teo, just leave me alone. I don't want to see you anymore. I don't—"

     "Don't what?" he interrupts, and now the expression on his face becomes serious. "You don't love me? Is that why you want me to leave you? Is that why you want us to stop?"

     The question startled me. I wanted to immediately tell him yes, but all I could do was bite down my lips in shame. I can't admit my feelings for him. I'm not allowed to accept and acknowledge my feelings for him.

     "Is it because of Claudio? Did he say something to you? Do you want me to talk to him? Has he been hurting you?" Teo continued to ask, and I finally covered my eyes and let the tears stream down my face.

     Why can't I just tell him to leave me? Why can't I tell him that I don't love him—that I don't want to be associated with him anymore? Why can't I even speak? With all the alters I have...why can't one of them tell me the right words to say?

     "Teo..." I called out, and that single word was enough for Teo to grab me and pull me towards him. He wraps his arms around my fragile body, and everything around me fades instantly. His warmth became so familiar that I cried even more as I buried my face in his chest. Teo doesn't say anything, but he caresses my head and comforts me. In an event like this, I should be the one who's comforting him, but instead, I ended up saying something so hurtful.

     "Bishop, if you're afraid, I am here. If there are monsters you wish to face, I will stand by you. But if you want me to leave, then I will. Just tell me the reason, and I will let you go and never turn back," he tells me, and his words hurt me more than I thought they would.

     I swallow the lump in my throat and hug him back, holding onto him like I don't want to let him go. "I'm scared," I finally tell him. "I'm scared of disappointing you. I'm scared that if I hold onto you and show you who I really am, you'll be disappointed, and I don't want to see such a look on your face."

     "And why would I be disappointed in you?"

     "Because I'm not who you think I am," I say, lifting my head to look at him. "The person you see before you...that's not even me. Honestly, I don't even know who I really am."