CHAOS

A L E T T E R

Dear will,

I hope you're taking care of yourself (..and if you aren't then you better sit your ass down and breathe for just a moment — you can even raid my stack of macaroons if you must.)

I really hope that you aren't reading this letter whilst I'm dying on a hospital bed, but if you are and I can't physically tell you what I need to, then this is my other way of making sure you know.

I don't know where to start considering how much you've done for me since I was young but I do know that I want to say thank you.

You never really know what someone is going through until you're able to crack through their walls and step into their shoes. You never know how bad someone can feel until you're in a moment when everything comes crashing down.

And somehow you always knew just what I was going through.

You knew the reason for my actions long before I did. You knew the thoughts that crowded my mind and the feelings that strangled me every moment of my life. You understood me like no one ever chose to. You held me when I cried and you hugged me when I needed someone to comfort me. You stood up for me when I needed someone to be strong for me because I couldn't do it myself.

And you became that one person that saved me from drowning.

I've never said these words out loud —and I don't ever plan to so you better not go sharing my business, otherwise I'll throw another bowl of hot soup on your head Will Ford—but there was a time just before I met you, where my head was in a really dark place. I was only eleven. And the morning before I ended up at your station, I found myself standing at the edge of a bridge that overlooked a highway.

I just stood staring down at the cars whizzing past and I thought what was there for me to live for? Who was there to stop me and to tell me that I had another option than the one that seemed the best at the time?

And for some reason I had this sudden feeling—this gut feeling that I'd find someone who would not only tell me that but physically love me enough to cast all those dark thoughts away.

And by some miracle, I stepped away from the edge and told myself I'd give myself one more day.

And then there you entered like a drama queen; scolding me for being so stupid on taking on a bunch of kids twice my size (..and winning by the way!) and at such a young age too.

And ever since then, you looked out for me in ways that I never imagined; you greeted me like a normal human being whilst others looked down on me and took advantage of my young heart that wanted nothing but love and friendship. You talked to me, gave me advice on things that I always had to talk to myself about in the corner of my bedroom. You took me to stores and bakeries and so many theme parks; you treated me to so much that my own parents couldn't give me.

I remember this one time we'd gone to an ice cream parlour and you'd ended up with ice cream on your nose. Me being me, I added a little extra. You being you, you smeared some on the side of my cheek, a giddy smile on your face. And us being us, we came out of that store in a mess of laughter, wide smiles and rainbow ice cream.

And that was one of the best days of my entire life. It was the day that I knew that I had you. I had you and I didn't need anyone else.

I also remember when you'd stay late at the station every night, sitting at your desk and filling in paperwork. I also remember the one window you'd leave open for me. I told myself that you just didn't want me to get cold outside— that's why you always let me stay when I ended up at the station -—but when you left the window open every night and greeted me as I climbed in, I realised that you did it out of love.

(And of course you love me like hello?! —look at me-—who wouldn't?

Well, we all know who wouldn't -—oops...

Yet your love outshone everything dark and I need you to know that I'm so grateful. I'm grateful for all your hugs and smiles, your cute dimples, your scruffy hair in the morning and your annoyingly caring personality. I'm grateful for your big, big heart and your champagne eyes that I'll always cherish.

I'm grateful for you, Will Ford.

And I hope that someday, you find someone that will show you just how much you deserve the love that you give.

You know I love you but you really need a girlfriend old man because you need some special love — and by that I mean some sex (don't narrow your eyes like I know you are, just think about it.) Also take into consideration that a certain redhead may be waiting for you to take the first step so if I'm not there to give you a shove, then man up and walk across the hall and ask her out.

It ain't a big deal so go for it big guy. Don't forget to report back to me, of course, so we can conjure up the next plan of action.

Anyways — i'm so off topic and I really have to go because I know Bentley is waiting for me so just know that if I had a chance to do it all again, I would.

I would go through every pain, every heartbreak and every dark thing in this word just to meet you all over again. I would climb mountains and travel across stars. I'd do anything just to see you right now but unfortunately I can't and because of that, this is it.

You deserve the world Will and I'm sorry if I can't give that to you.

But just know that you gave me the world. You picked me up, set me on my feet and held my hand as I picked my way through the world.

Never think that I won't need you because I always will. I'll always need you, and if anything ever happens to me and you need me, then hold your pinkies together like we would always pinky promise, and I'll come running.

All my life I have been treated horribly by those close to me; people with fake faces, cunning words and sharp tongues. And when you came in, I had this sudden feeling that you were my guardian angel.

And you were.

And if by some means, I cannot be with you, then know that I will protect you like you did for me.

I'll be your guardian angel from now on.

Know that I love you more than anything in the world; more than the stars, the moon and even more than my darling macaroons.

They may be my favourite but you, Will Ford, are the most extraordinary person I know and I think everyone deserves a Will like you in their lives.

Thank you for standing by my side and for loving me even in the dark.

Love, your daughter, Pandora Wilson.