Even If It Hurts -H.S. AU

H -7

I stop in my tracks when my office door opens and I see Violet come out.

Her face is flushed and her shoulders slumped, like she's defeated. I saw Phoebe leave. I heard them laughing earlier and they seemed like they were having a good time, I wonder what changed.

She pauses, facing the door after she shuts it and breathes deeply before she turns around. We lock eyes when she finally does and the emotion her face makes my heart swell.

"Are you alright?" I ask before I can stop myself. She just looks back at me, her tired eyes seem empty.

"See you Monday, Harry." She says quietly and walks past me to leave.

I shut my eyes for a second and exhale a long, frustrated breath. I continue into the conference room and throw the files I'm carrying onto the table and flop down in one of the chairs.

I don't know how to fucking talk to her anymore, and it kills me.

I mean, it's not like she lets me talk to her anyway, but it drives me nuts when something is bothering her, because I know there's nothing I can do about it. She's probably going home to confide in her boyfriend right now. Probably about me and what a shit time she's having working here.

She tried to turn the volume on her phone down when she got a call that night in the bar, but I could hear almost every word he said. She told him I was just a "hotel guy" and her describing me like that hurt more than I care to admit. I hate the idea that I'm just a moment in her past to explain, and nothing more. I'm sure they had a conversation about it later, she was being really vague.

She froze up when he said he loved her, obviously the appropriate response being "I love you, too", but she hesitated in front of me. It's twisted that it made me feel kind of good that she had to think twice about it.

The tension between us this past week has been driving me fucking crazy. Part of me wishes we could've ironed it out the other day when I stormed into her office, but I'm also sort of relieved she blew me off. If we don't talk about it, then maybe that door isn't closed like I thought.

I know she has a boyfriend, and I know I have no place to be bothered by that. It's not like I expected her to be alone for the rest of her life, she doesn't deserve that, but knowing that there's someone lucky enough to know her now the same way I used to has me filled to the brim with jealousy.

In another way I'm envious of her too. She was able to find someone she obviously loves and trusts, and I've been stuck in this cycle of bad habits for years trying to find a way to heal. It's not like I've tried that hard to move on though, I don't know how. I don't know how to let someone else in without giving them the piece of me that will always belong to her.

She figured it out though, somehow. Maybe I was always more attached to her than she was to me, that's the only thing that makes sense in my head. I think I can learn to accept that we'll never know each other like we used to. As long as I have her in my life in some way, I can find a way to deal with that. Even if it means watching her love someone else.

I'm trying my best to be respectful of her and her space at work. I thought working with her would be fine, that we could be professional and civil, but that's proving to be way fucking harder than I thought. It's agonizing being near her, where she's close enough to touch but so far out of my reach at the same time. I haven't figured out how to cope with that yet.

She makes me so mad, constantly pushing my buttons, and she knows exactly the right ones to push to get a reaction out of me. It seems like she's trying to keep us angry with each other so that we don't get too comfortable, or maybe she's just still fucking pissed at me.