Even If It Hurts -H.S. AU

H -76

I slowly blink my eyes open and squint against the light coming through a crack in the curtains. A sharp pain stings behind my eyes and I squeeze them closed again as last night comes flooding back to me.

I'm still wrapped around Violet as she sleeps. Our legs are tangled together on the mattress and she holds me tightly against her. I slowly pick my head up and open my eyes to look at her.

Her cheeks are blotchy and red, with tears staining her skin down to her slightly parted pink lips. My stomach twists at the sight of her, knowing she had been crying after I fell asleep.

I prop myself up on my elbow and attempt to separate us without waking her up. As soon as I pull back, her eyes fly open and she gasps softly. Her arms tighten around my back and she pulls me into her as tight as she can.

"Whoa, whoa." I whisper gruffly and hold her back with my chin resting on her shoulder. "Hey, I'm okay."

"Where are you going?" She asks softly, sleep still thick in her voice. "You're not running away from me again."

"Violet." I sigh and close my eyes as her arms tighten around me again. I push off the mattress and pull her with me when I sit up. She hooks her legs around my waist, wrapping herself around me completely.
"Vi, look at me."

She slowly pulls her head from my shoulder and blinks her tired eyes open to meet mine. I exhale heavily as guilt rips through my chest at her red, irritated eyes and the tear stains down her face. I rest my hand at the curve of her neck and lean forward to kiss her gently. The saltwater on her lips still remains from last night and my heart sinks.

"I'm sorry if I scared you last night." I say softly when I pull back to look at her. Her eyes widen at my words, but I cut her off before she can speak. "I'm okay."

"Scared me?" She snaps back in disbelief. "Harry, you fucking terrified me. You think you can wake up this morning and tell me you're okay and I'll believe you?"

She untangles her limbs from around me and scoots herself back on the bed. I should've known better than to think she would let this go. I definitely know my girl better than that. Idiot.

"I'm dealing with it." I say flatly and she levels her stare at me before she rubs her fists into her eyes. She looks very cute when she's sleepy, but the guilt still eats at me knowing it's my fault.

"Dealing with it by hiding from me?" She raises an eyebrow at me and I groan, pressing the heels of my palms into my eyes, trying to counteract the headache pounding in my brain.
"Harry, I don't want to fight with you." She says in a softer tone, making me drop my hands to look at her. "But don't you lie to me and say you're fine."

I pause, just looking at her as she stares at me. There's no point in lying to her, she saw the truth firsthand anyway, and there's no denying that.

"I don't know what to do about it." I admit softly and her shoulders drop, like she was prepared for me to argue further.

"Harry, I think..." she hesitates and moves herself closer to me on the bed. She takes my scarred right hand in hers and runs her thumb over my knuckles. "I think you should see someone."

"Relive that horrible fucking day to a perfect stranger for an hour every week?" I scoff, making her raise her eyebrows at me. "I'm not doing that."

"I know therapy is scary, but-"

"I'm not scared, Violet." I cut her off. I can feel myself getting defensive, but I can't stop it. "I just don't want to pour my heart out to someone that knows jack shit about me and asks me how I'm feeling after I tell them I killed someone. The answer is bad, it's always going to be bad."
She doesn't say anything, just keeps holding my hand in hers. She rubs her thumb in circles over the back of my hand soothingly and guilt tears at my chest. She's just trying to help.
"I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you."