Even If It Hurts -H.S. AU

30

I haven't seen Harry since I left his place Saturday morning. I spent the rest of the day, and all of yesterday, overthinking every single thing I said to him.

Surprisingly, he hasn't texted or called me. I honestly appreciate it, even though I do find myself missing him. I need us to take this a little slow right now. I know I've said that before, five years ago to be exact, but there's a lot more at stake now than there was when we were nineteen.

I don't know how to navigate this. Being with Harry again has brought so many things back to the surface. Things that I don't know how to deal with, because I buried them under the lie that is my current life.

Being with Harry makes me think about home a lot, about how much I miss my family. I haven't been back much since I left, mostly for fear of seeing Johnny. I was afraid to see Harry too, but I knew if I steered clear of the places that he frequented, I more than likely wouldn't see him. It didn't matter though, because Harry and I roamed every inch of that town together, and every single thing in it reminded me of him.

After my mom died, I wanted to go home even less. My dad sold the house after Caspian moved out with the woman he's now married to, and he moved into a single bedroom apartment within walking distance to the shop. Cas tells me dad has a girlfriend, but he doesn't want to jinx it, so he doesn't talk to him about it much. It doesn't really feel like there's a place for me anymore.

I feel so separate from them, like we are living in two different worlds. I enjoy living in the city and I love my career. I'm so proud of myself and where I came from, but it feels like there's something that I can't let go. Or rather, something that can't let me go. Something is holding me back that I can't figure out how to move past. I just haven't figured out what that is, yet.

"Hey!" Phoebe says excitedly when she bursts through the door of my office.

She flops down into the chair across from me and slides a coffee across my desk in my direction. She is in late today, because she had finals this morning. I pick up the coffee and scrunch my nose when I see where it's from.

"I know, sorry." She chuckles as I take a sip of the coffee I've had way too much in the last five years. I used to get as much as I wanted for free when I worked there, and boy did I take advantage.

"How was school?" I ask setting it back down.

"Fine, except Peterson brought out your old color theory project again to show the class." She makes a face at me when I chuckle. "I felt like he was staring a hole right through me."

"How was Cam?" I lean forward on my desk and wiggle my eyebrows at her. "You two seemed awfully friendly when you left Harry's place Friday night." She opens her mouth but I cut her off. "And by friendly, I mean, his hand was glued to your ass."

"Oh my god, Violet." She sighs and leans back in her chair, closing her eyes. "The best I have ever had."

"Details. Now." I demand.

"First of all, he's huge." I scrunch up my face and giggle, not necessarily needing that detail. "Second of all, he made me finish three times in, like, thirty minutes, and we went another round after that."

"Good man." I chuckle and she widens her eyes at me.

"Why are you not more surprised?" She asks, bewildered. "What man makes that happen, ever?"
I widen my eyes at her and she smacks the desk with her palm, making me jump.

"You're not telling me something!" She says accusingly and I nod my head at her, laughing.

"I told you about the first time Harry and I had sex again, right?" She nods her head at me. "Well I didn't tell you how much sex we had."