Children of the Fallen: In Cold Blood (BOOK #2)

Chapter 44: This Will Fix You

Morgan Sinclair

17 and a half Years Ago

Is this what it's like to go insane? Because I feel like I'm going insane. I have to be, there's no other explanation. Unless maybe I've been possessed or I've died and this is hell.

It's been a little over a year and a half shadowing Lucien and living in his main palace in Eastern Canada. Every single day, I'm introduced to a new way to inflict pain or end someone's life. I've watched Lucien do things to people that no one should ever have to see. What's worse is that I've done things to people that make me physically ill to think about.

322. That's the number of people I've killed. 322 people. Humans- typically hunters but sometimes complete innocents yanked off the street and reduced to nothing more than food.

I've excluded the number of vampires, lycans, and witches. 109. 23. 32. So 486 people in total. All dead at my hands. I'm drenched in their blood 24/7 now matter how many times I shower, how neat I am with the kill- because God forbid murder is a little messy- I still feel every drop of their blood on me.

What I hate the most is that when it comes to killing humans, it's gotten easier. Feeding off them, taking what I want and leaving nothing left. It's something that's becoming too easy. It's something that my body takes such immense pleasure in that it's becoming really hard to convince myself that I despise it. I have to be insane. No sane person thinks something like that. Lucien says it should be easy, it's something that should come natural to me and I should like it. It does and I do, which terrifies me.

The guilt that follows is what ensures me that I'm still something recognizable but I've noticed that has lessened as well. It was destroying me, leaving me catatonic and mentally drowning in the moments I had to myself. A worryingly large part of me is glad that it has let up so I could experience even just a little relief from it and from the repercussions of it.

Lucien looks in my head all the time. As painful as it is he does it. He sees my guilt and punishes me for it. Like how he punishes me for a variety of things, not feeding correctly- or neatly, flinching, crying, "tears are for the weak," he says all the time- I don't think I've cried in months actually. A big one is having people I love and care for.

It's all "a weakness that my enemies will exploit." And "weakness will not be tolerated."

And he does indeed not tolerate it. Whenever he sees "weakness" he gets so angry. He'll hit me; slaps, punches, various objects. He'll starve me and lock me in one of his cells for days alone. I don't know which is worse the darkness or the feeling of my body eating at itself. Actually I know- it's the darkness. The silence and loneliness of it all is maddening. With the number of times I've been subjected to rotting in it I would've thought I'd be used to it by now.

As of late he's taken a liking to burning. He's been purposefully doing these things during the day and when he's inevitably disappointed with my reaction he holds body parts of mine- arms, legs, face, sometimes my whole body out in the sunlight.

I'm a coward. I do what he tells me to do with little to no resistance. I stopped fighting back or at least I've tried to. It's easier if I don't. I betrayed myself and I continue to do so every single day. I made a vow the first day he took me; he would not break me. I wouldn't be what he wants me to be but any resolve I possess gets chipped away at day by day. My morals seem more skewed and murky, leaning towards something I don't want to be. Lucien wants a monster and that's exactly what I feel like.

I was worried that my family would think I was a monster before but now they absolutely would and that's killing me. Every time I kill or maim I think of them standing in the room watching me- I think of Victoria and Chloe disappointed in how weak I am and how far I've fallen.