Summertime Vibes

(1) LONELY HEART

I sit in the front row of the class in the corner next to the window. This isn't anywhere close to my bed. I was like a thousand kilometres away from my bed, thinking of what it would be like under my cosy warm blanket on such a cold morning.

But why am I here? That's a really good question. Sister and I had a tug-of-war battle with my blanket this morning. She just didn't want to collect my report from my form teacher like how responsible big sisters should be. Like, how did she even convince mama that I had to get my ass up and get ready for school.

It's okay if I didn't fetch my report today. I could always get it next year. It's not like my report of all reports was going to develop wings and fly to the island of the lost if I didn't come to school today. And I was like, 99.9% sure that I passed. So coming to school today was just a waste of time and energy.

My classmates are as noisy as they can be. Everyone is in a good mood. Enjoying the perks of ending another school year. Telling each other about their plans for December, what they are going to do and the places they were going to go to. Our form teacher sits behind her desk while tapping onto her phone, not giving a damn about us. She didn't bother if the noise reached the admin block. She didn't care anymore, she was done shouting at pupils for the year.

I slip my report in my bag after writing my signature next to my name on the class list. My bag is super light. The only things I have in it were a blue and black pen, a pencil, a notebook and the Afrikaans question paper from the final exam we wrote two weeks ago.

The siren sounds and everyone rushes for the door. Welcoming the holidays by going wild and crazy. I walk on the blocks in a slow pace. Running my finger against the walls as I watch how pupils are being in the moment. Friends are hugging each other, saying their 'I will miss you so fucking much' and their goodbyes. Couples are making memories by holding hands and kissing in school for the last time this year. Preparing for the long term departure.

I'm going to burst into emotions if someone doesn't come to save me right now, I wasn't in the mood for this. If only Tyrelle, my asthmatic friend, would be in school today. He would've lightened the mood a bit and maybe run his mouth about Borito or Attack On Titans or any other anime series he's currently watching. But I can't blame him, the decision to come to school today was a last minute thing. He's probably enjoying a nice cosy sleep. Waiting for his little sister to bring him his report. Lucky him.

I join the rest of the gang. Leaving out Thabiso and Jumbe who's walking with Sne and gang. I could join them but all I want to do right now is to go back to bed. Gosh I regret starting the second season of Stranger Things last night. Just when I find out that our dearest still exists. Damn, that shit's addictive.

I already said goodbye to the Persothums before they entered their vehicle. Jenna had a lift from a classmate's parent. So today I wasn't going to spend the rest of the walk with a temporary friend, a friend who will only talk to you when other friends are not available.

I reach Jeena's, the parking ground that the pupils gave it's name to. Known mostly for the thrilling fights and any other mischief that a pupil can do at this place. I was visible to a pool of crushes and second by second my eyes made contact with a few of them. I didn't stare for long. I just wanted to go home and be done with the day.

I reach my transport. A Toyota Quantum. I quickly take my seat after big sister complains about how slow I walk. The door closes and the taxi starts to move.

I look outside the window and watch the pupils I familiarise with. Thinking of how perfect or imperfect their lives are and whether or not one of them actually thinks about me. The building of my highschool comes to view as we go down the road. It resembles my first year experience. Those days when I thaught I could actually cope in this place, far away from the city. But things changed and highschool happened. If I could turn back the clock, I wouldn't want to waste my time thinking about people who don't bring any benefits to me.

I look away from the building. I take out my cellphone from my bag and plug in my earphones. The song Faded by Alan Walker starts to play. I lay back and close my eyes as a cool breeze blows through the window.

I give up. I'm done being the odd one out in my group of friends, surrounded by six pupils but still not vibing because of my limited experiences. I'm done missing a friend who stopped talking to me for no damn reason and I'm done stalking his account on Instagram. I'm done trying to get higher marks in maths and natural sciences just so I can have more things in common with my friends from the A class. Done with that, done with everything. Done trying to understand the boys at school. Done trying to fit in and being open. But most of all, I'm done with school. We shall meet again in the year that's coming.

A mixture of Scared to be lonely, We don't talk anymore, They're just ghosts, The hills, Lucid dreams, Stitches, All time low, Xtatic truth and When the party's over are the types of songs that are on my playlist right now.

The minute I get home I rush to the room I share with two of my younger brothers. I don't even bother to change my clothes. I just throw my bag down, take my navy blue tie out from around my neck and throw myself on my bed. Lovely by Billie Eilish and Khalid plays at a low volume as I surround my mind with  shallow thaughts. Sleep takes over me a few minutes later.

Why do I feel so alone right now.