Summertime Vibes

(16) BROKEN HEART

"Djimmy, this should've never happened."

"It was a mistake, okay."

"It's nothing."

I sneeze. I sneeze again and blow my nose on a small towl as another round of tears escapes my eyes.

Sexuality is a spectrum. A boy can be 75% straight and 25% gay. The explanation is so simple yet the pain I feel in my heart is so much worse.

This is me trying to understand boys.

Tyron makes me remember the boys at school. The ones who'd lock eyes with mine in the corridors before we cross each other. I'd always think that it's the curiosity in their eyes that makes the eye contact last longer but sometimes it's otherwise, they're just examining the new species that come into their environment.

This happens a few more times before we meet. When he's only a few inches close to me. Need it be in the relief period, at assembly or in the long line by the tuck shop. The typical lover boy, a fade haircut with a line going on on the side of his head, a black leather jacket over his school uniform wearing that hypnotic perfume he dips himself into before entering the school gates. Making me think about him every hour of everyday.

It's not long until we start talking. He seemed like a really chilled person. Smirks after moisturising his lips. We'd joke with each other in the periods he sat next to me. There was a bond between us forming. I could feel it, how I related to whatever he said and he related to whatever I said. I thaught we were going to be great friends and even more until the day I saw him in B block with his friends, holding his girlfriend's hand as they got into a vibe. And I waited, a feeling of rejection aroused inside of me. He didn't look my way. Not even a side eye, not even a friendly holla. It was in that moment when the bitter truth was revealed to me. That he didn't belong with me but with everyone else in school.

I lie in bed in Alex and Jackie's room. My eyes are burning from the amount of tears I've shed. I snuggle more comfortably in my blanket. My body's warm on the outside but feels awkwardly cold on the inside as hot air escapes my nose.

There's a little chattering going on outside the flat where Mary and her friends are playing. I start to think that it's her friends who are complaining about someone being unfair in the game that they're playing until I hear Kapinga's voice speaking before Alex's voice replying. I hear the door opening and the gang of boys enter the flat with their usual loud voices.

Seriously, right now? I've just gotten into a comfortable position.

The door to Alex and Jackie's room bursts open. A few seconds passes by and I open my eyes.

They gasp.

"Shit." Jeffrey reacts to what I think is my bloodshot red eyes.

"It don't look good dawg, it don't look good." Kapinga says.

""Dude, that's the third time you said that this week." Jackie says.

"Djimmy, you okay?" Alex asks.

I only rise up from the bed and make my way to the door. "It's just a flu, I'll be fine soon." I say, trying not to burst into tears after locking eyes with Tyron.

I lie on the bed in the other side of the living room, the side that's seperated by the curtain. I hear the tv being switched on as the guys converse with each other. I look at the view outside the window. A shallow evening intervenes after a windy day. A palm tree catches my sight. I then focus on the women who stands at the balcony of the flat she's in. A male figure walks towards her and hugs her from behind, they do a little kissing before going back inside. At least she has someone to keep her cosy in this cold weather.

Air rushes through my nose before I exhale. A sign to show that my sobbing stage has ended. I close my eyes and dive into a relaxing sleep.

"Djimmy."

"Djimmy."

"I just want us to talk, please."