Into deception

Weak to my knees

📚

"Fine. Okay. But just give me a few. I'll meet you downstairs."

I dig my nails into the palms of my fists. If I don't, I'll curl into a ball and lose my mind, but there's no fucking way I'm breaking down in front of him.

No way.

"Mia—"

Max starts when he notices me close my eyes, but stops himself.

That's the best decision he's made tonight.

He leaves.

Someone else apparently didn't get the memo.

Bane stays where he is, leaning against one of the walls, his head tilted back and his eyes closed.

I need him to leave.

Why is he still here?

Did he fall asleep—

"You know, I've analysed every little thing in my life. I can't tell if it's because I simply don't trust anyone, or if I think it's a skill everyone in this life should learn."

He sighs.

I struggle to breathe as the seconds painfully drag on.

"It took me years, and a lot of pain, to learn how to be okay with the things I realised about some of the people I saw as family. But once I did, it became an advantage of sorts."

He pauses.

"What's funny, though, is that the second I saw you, you were the only thing I ever wanted to analyse for the rest of my life."

He opens his eyes, looking at me with so much weight behind them that I almost look away.

"So I know, Mia. I know when you're angry before even you do. I know when you're happy. I know when you're hiding something."

He pushes himself away from the wall.

"And right now, I know you're having a panic attack."

I look up at him through my blurred vision as he pulls his hands from his pockets and comes closer.

I try to move back.

My body doesn't listen.

The numbness has taken over completely.

His palms settle lightly against either side of my waist. There's no motive behind the touch. The longer I stand there, the more I understand what he's trying to do.

Ground me.

My lips begin to freeze. I bite down, trying to feel something—anything—but his thumb catches my lip, carefully pulling it free. He grazes over it a couple of times until the tingling finally passes.

"I don't expect you to stop hating me. Or to trust me again. Not anytime soon."

His voice is quiet.

"That doesn't mean I've given up hope. As long as I breathe, I'll keep hoping that one day you'll find it in your heart to hear what I have to say."

He looks directly into my eyes.

"And even if that day comes in ten years, twenty, fifty, eighty... just know I'll still be waiting. Because I don't think I'll ever leave this planet without making peace with you, Mia."

I look at him.

He looks back.

I feel his hands holding me carefully, but more than that, I feel his words.

The truth is, I haven't wanted anything from him for a long, long time.

But now I don't know.

For the first time, I don't know what's real anymore. I can't even tell if I'm real, let alone what I'm hearing.

Or why I've finally said his name.

"Nicholas."

The feeling of his name leaving my mouth is strange.

Bitter.

Painful.

But my tongue and teeth remember it differently. They like his name. They remember exactly how to shape it.

His name.

Nicholas.

He cups my face so quickly my head spins for a moment. The way he looks at me makes something inside my chest ache because he's in pain.

Then he drops to his knees.

His head rests against my legs.

And he freezes.

I very slowly step away from him.

But then I freeze too.

Leaving him like this would never sit right with me. Not after one year. Not after ten. Not after a lifetime.

So I crouch down.

He doesn't lift his head.

I reach beneath his chin and gently make him look at me.

His glossy eyes finally meet mine. The tears have intensified the green so much they almost look unreal.

"We need to go," I whisper.

Mostly because I don't trust my own voice.

I'm fighting my own tears with everything I have left.

"Mia, I—"

He doesn't finish.

"It's only for tonight. There are six hours left before everything goes back to the way it was."

My voice almost breaks.

"So please. Don't think anything of this."

"I understand," he murmurs.

His lips press against my palms.

"I understand. I do."

We stand again, our hands finding each other almost reluctantly.

Our fingers interlock.

They stay that way all the way to the car.

And I swear I would get down on my hands and knees and beg God Himself to erase this night from my mind.

Please.

Please don't let me remember this.