Until We Meet Again

34. fake

Rowan isn't too particularly happy after I leave them almost immediately after, they want me to cuddle with them. But I can't. 

That's too much of a commitment, so I just tell them that I have a paper I need to write urgently by today for one of my classes. They believe the lie, and I easily make my way out of their room. 

I am feeling some guilt. I basically just used them. But it's what they had been wanting for a while, I didn't do anything that was so wrong. We both got something out of it, even if they think I did that because I'm somehow in love with them when actually, they're just hot. I'll keep the number of romantic interactions low and rare, I can just blame a break up on all the stress from college. It'll be easier on them. And on me too, I can't handle having any other conversation with them at the moment. 

I mean, I was going to be so heartless if I decided to just shatter all their hopes right then and there. At least now, they'll get a hint of a relationship and be happy to remain friends after they get out of whatever little phase they're in right now. Right?

I might also be saying all of that just to make myself feel better about what this means for them, but I don't have the time to process all of that right now. And I don't feel like going to a therapist for them to sort out my entire life for me. I'll figure it all out eventually. 

I could also go to my parents about this. Obviously not about the stuff with Rowan, but just about Delilah. That would require coming out though, and that's also a lot of work.

 I've had the urge to come out to them before. Whenever we get into an argument, sometime I just want to use it like a weapon against them. Even if I don't know how they'll actually react, it's still a thought that pops up once in a while. What would happen to me? 

If my parents were supportive of me being a lesbian and all of that, then I'm sure they would offer good listening ears like they always do. In high school, I used to go to them for everything, excluding all the dating stuff of course. I used to rely on their advice and aged words of wisdom like they were everything. My mom always made her best dishes whenever I was sad, and my dad always offered to take me around town to shop for unneeded items under a budget. 

We always managed to find the most random things when we followed the craziest rules, I even brought that small cheetah-themed fuzzy yellow jewelry box we bought on one of our small trips at the mall to college. It's the home to my rings and necklaces and I can't think of a better space to store them.  

I wonder what they would do if they were to hear about Delilah. They were never quite fond of her during her time as my best friend, and I'm not sure that they would be too thrilled to hear about her now. They always said she was spoiled and lacked a home, even all the experienced nannies couldn't replace her parents. 

Delilah would probably say the same about herself though, if she's that self-aware. I guess I shouldn't care too much about what she thinks about herself though, she has Cristina now.  

I should just tell my parents. 

They'll find out eventually, it's not like I'll curse myself to a lifetime with a man. I can't keep up the image for long. I'll just say it casually and try to ignore whatever shocked face it is that they'll both make. 

Once I make it to my room, my roommate luckily isn't there yet and I realize that I have the space in-between these four walls to myself. Whatever screaming may occur from my parents after they hear my confession may not make it out of here, and I think I shouldn't push the moment even further.

I'm being spontaneous and impulsive and childish, but I'll unpack all of that after this video chat is over. 

I take my phone out of my pocket and I've barely gotten around to locking the door behind me when they pick up. They're both available, sitting around the small island in our kitchen, which is also becoming more of a rare sight these days considering their hectic work schedules. That's also a sign that I should just say it.