Until We Meet Again

35. forget it

I don't know who I'm meant to be in life.

I'm not exactly a good person, just ask Delilah and my parents. Rowan would also agree if they knew about my absence of romantic love for them. Everyone would agree if they knew about every thought I have ever had.

I could say I'm a product of what's happened to me, but some points in my personality are truly of my own creation. No one forced me to sleep with Rowan, no one has ever pushed me into acting like I'm the main character in everyone's life. The instinct to protect myself at any cost can only get me so far and it'll just hold me back if I keep hurting others just to do so.

I talked to Nina the other day, asking her if she could listen to me rant about my problems. She said she was with Dash, I called her clingy. She hung up on me.

Dash seems more distant in our math class, Nina likely told him what happened. I shouldn't have said it, I know. I barely have friends, and now here I am treating them like shit.

I can't find out who I'm supposed to be if I keep pushing everyone around me to leave. I can't keep obsessing over the past like it's going to save me.

But it's also only been 2 weeks. 14 days since that meeting in the restaurant. 336 hours since I lied to her to make myself feel better. 20,160 minutes since I decided my pride was my highest priority.

Rowan has been texting me non-stop about our relationship. My parents are still disappointed. My friendship with Nina is practically over.

And all for what?

I've been in a downfall since Delilah came back into my life. It used to be all I wanted, and look where that got me. Relationships between friends who meet as kids and reunite as teenagers aren't meant to be. But it would still be nice to believe in that kind of fate. Too bad it's only ever seen in books and movies.

I get a text message at that moment, lighting up my empty phone before I can reach it from my desk. It's Rowan, again.

Maybe that could be the first item on my list of things I need to fix up. I can't let them keep holding onto some hope that we'll have a future together, Rowan deserves far better than that.

And the texts are becoming a bit annoying. The last two people I dated were never like that, but they also weren't like Rowan. It's like Rowan has no flaws, they're too kind and helpful for everyone. They're a perfect gift wrapped up in a gold bow for any future lover, and I'm not even deserving of them.

I want to believe I could be. I wish that I could simply fall in love with them instead, it would be so easy. They wouldn't hurt me like Delilah would. But I do have a problem, and the problem is me. Rowan deserves someone as good as them; someone that can match their energy and their love. I can't imagine how good of a partner they would be with someone that actually makes an effort and reciprocates their feelings.

I slowly shut my eyes like I'm invincible from this world and from more time passing. If I could just stay frozen, I could stay like this forever. No answers given to anyone. I would be forgotten by everyone. 

I'm so wrapped up in my meaningless self-reflections that I don't even hear Madison come into the room. She's been coming in and out of the room without any warnings in the form of loud footsteps or noisy keychains, it's her talent. Sometimes, she pops up with random questions when she feels the need to know more about my boring life.

This time, she sharply tells me, "you haven't been out of the room much."

Rude.

She normally isn't this blunt, but I'm also normally not in this room 24/7. She's given me the space to cry alone, I shouldn't act like I'm the only one living here. We're not exactly best friends or anything, but she does care even if she is not exactly the kindest about it.

"Sorry, I'll leave right now so you can have some time to yourself," I respond right away.

I grab my small backpack on the far end of my bed, throwing in my computer, journal, and chargers for all these devices. I even take my sociology textbook as if I actually think I'm going to be productive.

I put my black jacket on and wrap a plaid scarf around my neck, peaceful in the sudden newfound warmth as I take my brown boots on. As I exit the room, Madison loudly says, "wait."

I turn around curiously, wondering what she wants now. She curiously asks me, "party tonight?"

That's another way that she shows she cares. I had told her my girlfriend broke up with me, and her suggestion was to go to a party to forget all about it. She says the best way to forget an ex is to be with someone hotter and make them jealous. 

I'm not so sure parties work anymore, mixtures of alcohol and sadness make for a troublesome combination. My impulsiveness becomes 10 times more dramatic. 

I even faintly remember that time I almost slept with a girl that had a boyfriend, I didn't know she had one but clearly I act too fast at times. But then again, Madison is inviting me. It's depressing, my roommate who is forced to talk to me only because of our living situation is the only one left that wants to hang out with me. Rowan doesn't count, they're just a different situation.

I could pretend I'm going to study when I'm too messed up to even concentrate, or I can go actually get messed up with a friend.

But I left that behind. Not drinking is like my new year's resolution that I've mostly followed through with so far.

"I'm not sure," I decide to tell Madison.

She frowns, but flips her sleek blonde hair back dramatically like it's no big deal and says, "let me know before midnight. That's when I'll be leaving."

I admire Madison's strength to go to parties often. She balances her social life with college stuff better than anyone I know. I don't even have a social life to take care of anymore, maybe this could be a way to get it back. 

Is a party the place to do that? I might not even remember the event in the morning, is that right? Is that dark ignorance worth it? The people I know have a goal of forgetting everything with alcohol, I don't want that anymore. At least not as a result of a drink.