Until We Meet Again

45. what will it take?

Two days of silence and uncomfortable reminders of what I said to Delilah make for grey clouds over my otherwise bright days.

My new article was approved by my editor with minimal changes and went up yesterday, but I'm not as relieved as I thought I would be. I'm off to work on the next one, and I realize that no one really cares.

It gets lonely sometimes.

My friends are all busy, I don't want to bother them with something so childish. Nina doesn't even know that Delilah is back, because I know that if she did then she would just yell at me for sleeping with her and entertaining the idea of her.

I still like to write in those journals sometimes.

It makes me feel like someone else is there for me, some invisible presence that comforts me as the black ink of my fine pens make their marks. I become more at peace, I feel like I can breathe.

I have these strong moments where I just want to talk to Delilah sometimes.

I wish I could apologize, but I don't have the brave heart to call her back. I don't even think that she would answer. Does she even deserve an apology? It's not like she's ever been sorry for anything she's done.

She is here now though.

She's tried to show up for me. The chances of her actually finding me in a place like this was nearly impossible, but she did. Doesn't that mean something?

It could be that she's somehow incredibly good at stalking people, or maybe it's fate. It could also be both, but I guess that somehow makes it sound less romantic.

If I try to apologize though, it's like I'm welcoming her back into my life. She's barely come back and my life already feels like chaos. And what if she just leaves again?

I was so devastated when we broke up four years ago, it was awful. I think I have abandonment issues at this point, it's ridiculous. And I'm just scared.

I've forgotten what it's like to open that part of myself up for someone. I was so vulnerable with Delilah, it's embarrassing how much of I gave myself to her in those months we were together. I don't want to deal with that again.

I could tell her all of that.

But that would also be so difficult. I pride myself on being so bold with my words in my head and on paper, but in reality I'm just a coward. I'm afraid of being honest again, such intimacy could be strange for me.

I want to act like I'm so fucking special, a once in a lifetime case of honesty and greatness. But, I'm not.

I'm a wreck.

Delilah's presence only reminds me of that deeper fear of mine that my current life is a result of luck rather than hard work. She's got me wondering if there's some bigger force that's bringing us together, as if it isn't just the power of her wealth and desperation.

I can't accept her into my life again, I can't fall so easily. I've been holding off on telling Nina this news because I know that she's going to tell me what I'm supposed to do.

She knows what's right.

And deep down. . . So do I. I think I do. I hope I know what's the right thing to do.

I need to cut Delilah out of my life again, she's just trouble. But part of me is worried I think.

I'm scared that I'll close the door on someone I'm meant to be with. It's a romantic tale I've had in my head since she moved away, we'll be reunited and live happily ever after. I don't want to listen to that though, because it's based off of my imagination and the ideas I have of her.