Until We Meet Again

38. gift of life

It takes a few days, but Nina finally replies with a, "let's meet up?" The response makes me squeal like a child in the middle of the library, and a rude old librarian tells me to be respectful of people studying. 

Whatever. 

As dramatic as it sounds, Nina texting me feels like I'm getting a part of myself back. It's one of those friendships that I never thought I would have. We agree to meet up at her room, and when I get there at her selected time, she's waiting patiently for me outside of her door. Her neutral makeup is always done as if she's a professional, and she's wearing a fuzzy pink cardigan and plain white tee that she once wore when we hung out together. The rest of her clothes are new, with the long black skirt appearing like it must have cost a ton and her white sneakers looking like ones I would wear. 

She gives me the tightest hug in the world and tells me that she hates me but also misses me. She directs me into her room, and it looks mostly the same as always. There's been a few additions of pictures of Dash and her hung up on the walls with string lights wrapping around her favorite memories. There's even one of us together, laughing uncontrollably in one of our random sleepovers from last semester.

 Her sheet set is now a vibrant yellow, a contrast from the pale blue she used to have. Her decorations alternate between blush pink and yellow accents. Her soft navy rug is replaced with a light grey one, and her mirror has new lightbulbs around. I tell her I like the new decorations and she says that Dash helped her decorate. 

With the mention of her boyfriend, I tell her, "I'm so sorry that I was so rude about your relationship with Dash, I just-"

"Don't be sorry, you were right. I feel like I was turning into one of those couples without individual personalities. We've been trying to spend more time apart, you may have saved my relationship."

She smiles at me deeply, and hugs me again when she spots my uneasiness about the situation. She tries to lift me up in the air, and we both almost fall over onto her bed. I've missed this.

"Then why didn't you call me again?" I ask her curiously. 

She responds, "well, why didn't you call me? Ok, so I was mad that you were right. I've always told you I want you to be honest, and you were. I'm happy you ended up texting me first though, because I didn't really want to admit you were right."

I throw my hands up in the air with pride, and tell her, "say it again- say I was right!"

She playfully rolls her eyes, and whispers, "you were right."

I ask her, "what did you say? I don't think I heard you."

She simply grumbles out, "you were right."

"Still quiet, but I'll accept it," I tell her with a laugh. 

She sits back on her bed, and I take the chair from her desk. She then turns serious as she questions, "so, I've been hearing a lot about you from people on campus. How are you holding up? And is it true?"

Meaningless gossip travels fast. 

I'm grateful that she still has faith in me despite everything that's being said about me. It's almost all true, but she still believes in me as if I could never do those things. The person I was in high school wouldn't have believed it.  

"I'm not doing great. And it's true, I did have a meltdown in public with Rowan because I used them."

She looks down at her lap like the plainness of her shirt is so captivating for too long, and only speaks up to say, "you could start your redemption arc."

I laugh at that, telling her, "I don't think I deserve one."

"Don't be ridiculous, everyone deserves one. You're just. . . in a very desperate need of one. Have you tried pilates? White people love that shit, it helps you work on yourself or whatever."

She knows me so well. 

"That's what I was thinking!" I exclaim. "And maybe a retreat to the wild. . ? I could use some funding for that."

It's her turn to laugh as she says, "You wouldn't last a day camping out in the middle of the woods."

"You don't kno- ok, you're right actually but it could be fun! Maybe. Kind of. Ok, not really."

"Do you want to go get out some ice cream at our favorite spot?" She suggests out of nowhere. 

"It's still cold outside!" I tell her. 

"So?"

It's actually not that cold, but the hints of a recent winter are still slightly present in the air. I could never have iced coffee or icecream in weather like this, but I don't mind. Besides, the small  ice cream parlor in the city is popular throughout the year. I respond to Nina, "let's go!"

I practically jump out of her chair and she grabs her leather bag hanging from one of the hooks on the wall, and we leave the building together. I only awkwardly encounter one person that I think is friends with Rowan who rolls their eyes at me, but I'm too happy to be back with my best friend that I don't really care. 

When we make it to the shop, we place our respective orders and I grin so wide like a child when I receive my strawberry ice cream sundae. We never outgrow that part of ourselves, I love getting excited over things that my younger self would. Nina is joyful with her own chocolate ice cream sundae, and we click the two cups together like we're making a toast to our friendship.

"I never want to be separated from you! Never again," Nina tells me. 

It's nice to forget that midterms are a thing when we're together. As I look around the decently filled place, I make the quick realization that no one cares. The people coming around this shop have real lives, they're not caught up on gossip from college students. Some are parents, some are just living in the city. 

I'm not anything special, I'm just another human taking up space at the booth in the back of the shop that everyone likes to sit at. Nina doesn't even seem particularly thrown off by my past, she's happy to be concentrated on our future. 

I can try to make peace with everything I did, but I think my priority is to just focus on what I do next. I wish I hadn't been so careless, but I can't change what happened anymore. I've learned my lesson, and I think I have to move on. 

When I was dating Delilah, all I ever did was care and all she ever did was run. In the end, she still couldn't tell me the truth. I would have given her the world, but I think that my idea of the universe still would have been too small for her.

Delilah has lied so much to me and I wish that I could get an explanation from her, but she doesn't owe me one. We're not dating, we're not even friends. I can't contact her again, I don't want to be the one responsible for whatever would happen with her girlfriend as a result of it. I also don't want to be at fault for whatever would happen to the jobs of my parents if Delilah's parents were ever to find out. 

And I know that Rowan still hates me because of what I did, but I hope they find happiness. I hope they can find someone that won't ignore them or pretend with them. I hope they find someone deserving of them. 

I've thought about my own love life, and I've realized that I don't want one right now. I've called many people the smartest person I've ever seen, just so I could create an atmosphere full of silver touches and forgotten dreams. So, maybe I don't deserve someone honest, maybe I deserve someone like me. For now, that person doesn't exist. And for now at least, I don't want them to come into my life. 

I can support Nina's comments about Dash, I can even still make fun of her for the way they act like a typical couple from a family-friendly sitcom. She admits to me they're already planning a matching costume set for next Halloween, and I tell her that it's literally too soon to even think about something like that. And then I add, "what about our matching costumes?" 

She grins, and says that we can come as a trio. She says Dash didn't really care about my comment about being clingy, so he won't mind. It'll be fun to be the third wheel. 

 There's power in being single, there's strength in recognizing that sometimes you just need to be alone for some time. . . a long time. If I've learned anything, it's that I slip into toxic habits too easily and I need to work on that. 

We're all a bunch of fools who have no idea what the hell we're supposed to do with this so-called gift of life. But if I gave myself some time, I think I can figure it out for myself.