{Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look down.-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah, hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face
[man's voice] Once upon a timein a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessedwith a beautiful baby girl. And throughout the land,everyone was happy... until the sun went down and they saw that their daughter wascursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the helpof a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princessaway in a tower, there to await the kiss...of the handsome Prince Charming. [horse whinnies] It was he who would chancethe perilous journey through blistering coldand scorching desert traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the Dragon's keep. [crows caw] For he was the bravest, and most handsome... in all the land. And it was destiny that his kiss would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest roomof the tallest tower to enter the princess's chambers,cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtainsto find her... [gasps] What? - Princess... Fiona?- No! [sighs relief] Oh, thank heavens.Where is she? - She's on her honeymoon.- Honeymoon? With whom? - She's on her honeymoon.- Honeymoon? With whom? [ Counting Crows: Accidentally In Love] So she saidwhat's the problem, baby? What's the problem?I don't know Well, maybe I'm in love Think about itevery time I think 'bout it Can't stop thinking 'bout it How much longerwill it take to cure this? Just to cure it,'cause I can't ignore it If it's love, love Makes me wanna turn aroundand face me But I don't know nothing'bout love Oh, come on, come on - [screams]- Turn a little faster Come on, come on The world will follow after Come on, come on Everybody's after love So I saidI'm a snowball running Running down into this springthat's coming all this love Melting under blue skiesbelting out sunlight Shimmering love Well, baby, I surrender To the strawberry ice cream Never ever end of all this love Well, I didn't mean to do it But there's no escaping your love These lines of lightningmean we're never alone Never alone, no, no Come on, come on Jump a little higher Come on, come on If you feel a little lighter Come on, come on We were once upon a time in love Hyah! We're accidentally in love Accidentally in love Accidentally in love Accidentally in love Accidentally in love Accidentally in love Accidentally in love Accidentally I'm in love, I'm in love,I'm in love, I'm in love I'm in love, I'm in love Accidentally in love I'm in love I'm in love It's so good to be home! - [distant singing]- [giggling] Just you and me and... [Donkey sings] - Two can be as bad as one... - Donkey? Shrek! Fiona! Aren't you twoa sight for sore eyes! Give us a hug, Shrek,you old love machine. [chuckles] And look at you, Mrs. Shrek.How 'bout a side of sugar for the steed? Donkey, what are you doing here? Taking care of your love nest for you. Oh, you mean like... sorting the mailand watering the plants? - Yeah, and feeding the fish!- I don't have any fish. You do now. I call that one Shrekand the other Fiona. That Shrek is a rascally devil.Get your... Look at the time.I guess you'd better be going. Don't you want to tell me about your trip?Or how about a game of Parcheesi? Actually, Donkey? Shouldn't you begetting home to Dragon? Oh, yeah, that. I don't know.She's been all moody and stuff lately. I thought I'd move in with you. You know we're always happyto see you, Donkey. But Fiona and I are married now. We need a little time, you know,to be together. Just with each other. Alone. Say no more.You don't have to worry about a thing. I will always be here to make surenobody bothers you. - Donkey!- Yes, roomie? You're bothering me. Oh, OK. All right, cool. I guess... Me and Pinocchio was going to catcha tournament, anyway, so... Maybe I'll see y'all Sundayfor a barbecue or something. He'll be fine.Now, where were we? [giggles] Oh. I think I remember. - Donkey!- [Fiona yelps] I know, I know! Alone!I'm going! I'm going. What do you want meto tell these other guys? [fanfare] [ theme to Hawaii Five-O] Enough, Reggie. [clears throat] "Dearest Princess Fiona. "You are hereby summonedto the Kingdom of Far, Far Away "for a royal ballin celebration of your marriage "at which time the King "will bestow his royal blessing...upon you and your..." uh..."Prince Charming. "Love, the King and Queenof Far, Far Away. "aka Mom and Dad." Mom and Dad? - Prince Charming?- Royal ball? Can I come? - We're not going.- [both] What? I mean, don't you thinkthey might be a bit... shocked to see you like this? [chuckles] Well, they might bea bit surprised. But they're my parents, Shrek.They love me. And don't worry.They'll love you, too. Yeah, right. Somehow I don't think I'll be welcomeat the country club. Stop it.They're not like that. How do you explain Sergeant Pompousand the Fancy Pants Club Band? Oh, come on! You could at leastgive them a chance. To do what?Sharpen their pitchforks? No! They just wantto give you their blessing. Oh, great.Now I need their blessing? If you want to be a partof this family, yes! Who says I wantto be part of this family? You did!When you married me! Well, there's some fine print for you! [exasperated sigh]So that's it. You won't come? Trust me. It's a bad idea.We are not going! And that's final! Come on!We don't want to hit traffic! [Gingy] Don't worry!We'll take care of everything. [all cheer] - Hey, wait for me. Oof!- [glass breaks] [sighs] [ Chic: Le Freak] Hit it! Move 'em on! Head 'em up!Head 'em up, move 'em on! Head 'em up! Rawhide! Move 'em on!Head 'em up! Move 'em on! Move 'em on!Head 'em up! Rawhide! Ride 'em up! Move 'em on!Head 'em up! Move 'em on! Rawhide! Knock 'em out! Pound 'em dead!Make 'em tea! Buy 'em drinks! Meet their mamas!Milk 'em hard! Rawhide! Yee-haw! - [Donkey] Are we there yet?- [Shrek] No. - [Donkey] Are we there yet?- [Fiona] Not yet. - [Donkey] OK, are we there yet?- [Fiona] No. - [Donkey] Are we there yet?- [Shrek] No! - [Donkey] Are we there yet?- [Shrek] Yes. - Really?- No! - Are we there yet?- [Fiona] No! - Are we there yet?- [Shrek] We are not! - Are we there yet?- [Shrek & Fiona] No! - Are we there yet?- [Shrek mimics] - That's not funny. That's really immature.- [Shrek mimics] - This is why nobody likes ogres.- [Shrek mimics] - Your loss!- [Shrek mimics] - I'm gonna just stop talking.- Finally! This is taking forever, Shrek.There's no in-flight movie or nothing! The Kingdom of Far, Far Away, Donkey. That's where we're going.Far, far... [softly] away! All right, all right, I get it.I'm just so darn bored. Well, find a wayto entertain yourself. [sighs] [deep sigh] [clicks tongue] [popping] - [popping]- [exasperated sigh] For five minutes... Could you not be yourself... [shouts]... for five minutes! - [popping]- [shrieks] Are we there yet? - [chuckles] Yes!- Oh, finally! [fanfare] [ Lipps, Inc: Funkytown] Wow! It's going to be champagne wishesand caviar dreams from now on. Hey, good-looking!We'll be back to pick you up later! Gotta make a moveto a town that's right for me We are definitely notin the swamp anymore. [whistle] Halt! Well, I talk about it, talk about it,talk about it, talk about it Hey, everyone, look. Talk about, talk about movin'... Hey, ladies! Nice day for a parade, huh?You working that hat. [Donkey] Swimming pools!Movie stars! [cheering] [applause] [fanfare] Announcing the long-awaited return of the beautiful Princess Fionaand her new husband. Well, this is it. - This is it.- This is it. This is it. [fanfare] [fanfare and cheering stop] [gasps] [tweeting] [baby wails] Uh... why don't you guys go ahead?I'll park the car. [chuckles] So... you still thinkthis was a good idea? Of course! Look.Mom and Dad look happy to see us. - [softly] Who on earth are they?- [softly] I think that's our little girl. That's not little!That's a really big problem. Wasn't she supposed to kissPrince Charming and break the spell? Well, he's no Prince Charming,but they do look... [softly] Happy now?We came. We saw them. Now let's go beforethey light the torches. - They're my parents.- Hello? They locked you in a tower. That was for my own... Good! Here's our chance. Let's goback inside and pretend we're not home. Harold, we have to be... Quick! While they're not lookingwe can make a run for it. Shrek, stop it!Everything's gonna be... A disaster! There is no way... - You can do this.- I really... - Really...- don't... want... to... be... Here! Mom... Dad... I'd like you to meet my husband... Shrek. Well, um... It's easy to see where Fionagets her good looks from. [chuckles nervously] [gulps] [belches] - Excuse me.- [Shrek & Fiona laugh] Better out than in,I always say, eh, Fiona? [both giggle] [Shrek] That's good. I guess not. What do you mean, "not on the list"?Don't tell me you don't know who I am. What do you mean, "not on the list"?Don't tell me you don't know who I am. What's happening, everybody?Thanks for waiting. - I had the hardest time finding this place.- No! No! Bad donkey! Bad! Down! No, Dad! It's all right.It's all right. He's with us. - He helped rescue me from the dragon.- That's me: the noble steed. Waiter!How 'bout a bowl for the steed? Oh, boy. [slurps] - Um, Shrek?- Yeah? Oh, sorry!Great soup, Mrs Q. Mmm! No, no. Darling. [chuckles nervously] Oh! So, Fiona, tell usabout where you live. Well... Shrek owns his own land. - Don't you, honey?- Oh, yes! It's in an enchanted forest abundant in squirrelsand cute little duckies and... [laughing] What? I know you ain'ttalking about the swamp. An ogre from a swamp.Oh! How original. I suppose that would be a fine placeto raise the children. - [splutters]- [chokes] It's a bit early to bethinking about that, isn't it? - Indeed. I just started eating.- Harold! - What's that supposed to mean?- Dad. It's great, OK? - For his type, yes.- My type? I got to go to the bathroom. - Dinner is served!- Never mind. I can hold it. Bon appetit! Oh, Mexican food!My favorite. Let's not sit here with our tummiesrumbling. Everybody dig in. Don't mind if I do, Lillian. I suppose any grandchildrenI could expect from you would be... Ogres, yes! Not that there's anything wrong with that.Right, Harold? Oh, no! No! Of course, not! That is, assuming you don'teat your own young! Dad! No, we usually prefer the oneswho've been locked away in a tower! - Shrek, please!- I only did that because I love her. Aye, day careor dragon-guarded castle. You wouldn't understand.You're not her father! It's so nice to have the familytogether for dinner. - Harold!- Shrek! - Fiona!- Fiona! - Mom!- Harold... Donkey! [glissando] Your fallen tears have called to me So, here comes my sweet remedy I know what every princess needs For her to live life happily... [both gasp] Oh, my dear.Oh, look at you. You're all grown up. - Who are you?- Oh, sweet pea! I'm your fairy godmother. - I have a fairy godmother?- Shush, shush. Now, don't worry.I'm here to make it all better. With just a... Wave of my magic wandYour troubles will soon be gone With a flick of the wrist and just a flashYou'll land a prince with a ton of cash A high-priced dressmade by mice no less Some crystal glass pumpsAnd no more stress Your worries will vanish,your soul will cleanse Confide in your very ownfurniture friends We'll help you set a new fashion trend - I'll make you fancy, I'll make you great- The kind of girl a prince would date! They'll write your nameon the bathroom wall... "For a happy ever after,give Fiona a call!" A sporty carriage to ride in style,Sexy man boy chauffeur, Kyle Banish your blemishes, tooth decay,Cellulite thighs will fade away And oh, what the hey!Have a bichon frisé! ' Nip and tuck, here and thereto land that prince with the perfect hair Lipstick liners, shadows blushTo get that prince with the sexy tush Lucky day, hunk buffetYou and your prince take a roll in the hay You can spoon on the moonWith the prince to the tune Don't be drab, you'll be fabYour prince will have rock-hard abs Cheese soufflé, Valentine's DayHave some chicken fricassee! Nip and tuck, here and thereTo land that prince with the perfect hair Stop! [chuckles] Look... Thank you very much,Fairy Godmother, but I really don't need all this. [gasps and mutterings of disapproval] - Fine. Be that way.- We didn't like you, anyway. - [knocking]- [Shrek] Fiona? Fiona? [dog barks] Oh! You got a puppy?All I got in my room was shampoo. Oh, uh... Fairy Godmother, furniture... [giggles] I'd like you to meet my husband, Shrek. Your husband? What? What did you say?When did this happen? Shrek is the one who rescued me. - But that can't be right.- Oh, great, more relatives! She's just trying to help. Good! She can help us pack.Get your coat, dear. We're leaving. - What?- I don't want to leave. When did you decide this? - Shortly after arriving.- Look, I'm sorry... No, that's all right.I need to go, anyway. But remember, dear.If you should ever need me... happiness... is just a teardrop away. Thanks, but we've got allthe happiness we need. Happy, happy, happy... [laughs] So I see. Let's go, Kyle. - Very nice, Shrek.- What? I told you coming here was a bad idea. You could've at least triedto get along with my father. I don't think I was going to getDaddy's blessing, even if I did want it. Do you think it might be niceif somebody asked me what I wanted? Sure. Do you want meto pack for you? You're unbelievable!You're behaving like a... - Go on! Say it!- Like an ogre! Here's a news flash for you! Whether your parents like it or not...I am an ogre! - [yelps]- [roars] And guess what, Princess?That's not about to change. I've made changes for you, Shrek.Think about that. That's real smooth, Shrek."I'm an ogre!" [mimics Shrek roaring] [sniffling] I knew this would happen. [Lillian] You should.You started it. I can hardly believe that, Lillian.He's the ogre. Not me. I think, Harold, you're taking thisa little too personally. This is Fiona's choice. But she was supposed to choosethe prince we picked for her. I mean, you expect me to givemy blessings to this... thing? Fiona does.And she'll never forgive you if you don't. I don't want to loseour daughter again, Harold. Oh, you act as if loveis totally predictable. Don't you remember whenwe were young? We used to walkdown by the lily pond and... - they were in bloom...- Our first kiss. It's not the same! I don't think you realize thatour daughter has married a monster! Oh, stop being such a drama king. Fine! Pretend there's nothing wrong! La, di, da, di, da!Isn't it all wonderful! I'd like to knowhow it could get any worse! - Hello, Harold.- [gasps] - What happened?- Nothing, dear! Just the old crusade woundplaying up a bit! [chuckles] I'll just stretch itout here for a while. You better get in.We need to talk. Actually, Fairy Godmother,off to bed. [yawns] Already taken my pills,and they tend to make me a bit drowsy. So, how about... we make thisa quick visit. What? Oh, hello.Ha-ha-ha! So, what's new? You remember my son,Prince Charming? Is that you? My gosh!It's been years. When did you get back? Oh, about five minutes ago, actually. After I endured blistering winds,scorching desert... I climbed to the highest roomin the tallest tower... Mommy can handle this. He endures blistering windsand scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody roomof the tallest bloody tower... And what does he find? Some gender-confused wolftelling him that his princess is already married. It wasn't my fault.He didn't get there in time. Stop the car! [crash] Harold. You force me to do somethingI really don't want to do. [gasps] Where are we? Hi. Welcome to Friar's Fat Boy!May I take your order? My diet is ruined!I hope you're happy. Er... okay. Two Renaissance Wraps,no mayo... chili rings... - I'll have the Medieval Meal.- One Medieval Meal and, Harold... - Curly fries?- No, thank you. - Sourdough soft taco, then?- No, really, I'm fine. Your order, Fairy Godmother.This comes with the Medieval Meal. There you are, dear. We made a deal, Harold, and I assumeyou don't want me to go back on my part. [sighs deeply] Indeed not. So, Fiona and Charming will be together. - Yes.- Believe me, Harold. It's what's best. Not only for your daughter... but for your Kingdom. What am I supposed to do about it? Use your imagination. [whooshing] [whinnies] Oh... Come on in, Your Majesty. [piano plays, people talk] I like my town With a little drop of poison Nobody knows... [barman belches] [clears throat] Excuse me. Do I know you? No, you must be mistaking mefor someone else. Uh... excuse me.I'm looking for the Ugly Stepsister. Ah! There you are. Right. You see, I need to havesomeone taken care of. - Who's the guy?- Well, he's not a guy, per se. Um... He's an ogre. [crowd gasp] Hey, buddy, let me clue you in. There's only one fellow who can handlea job like that, and, frankly... he don't like to be disturbed. he don't like to be disturbed. Where could I find him? [knock on door] Hello? Who dares enter my room? Sorry! I hope I'm not interrupting, butI'm told you're the one to talk to about an ogre problem? You are told correct. But for this, I chargea great deal of money. Would... this be enough? You have engaged my valuableservices, Your Majesty. Just tell me whereI can find this ogre. [ Eels: I Need Some Sleep] [snoring] [chimes] Everyone saysI'm getting down too low Everyone saysyou've just gotta let it go You just gotta let it go I need some sleep Time to put the old horse down I'm in too deep And the wheels keep spinning round Everyone saysyou've just gotta let it go Everyone saysyou've just gotta let it go Dear Knight, I pray that you takethis favor as a token of my gratitude. [plays tune] Dear Diary... Sleeping Beauty is havinga slumber party tomorrow, but Dad says I can't go.He never lets me out after sunset. Dad says I'm going away for a while. Must be like some finishing school. Mom says that when I'm old enough, my Prince Charming will rescue mefrom my tower and bring me back to my family, and we'll all livehappily ever after. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. [echoing] Mrs. Fiona Charming. [knock on door] Sorry. I hope I'm notinterrupting anything. No, no. I was just reading a, uh...a scary book. I was hoping you'd let me apologizefor my despicable behavior earlier. - Okay...- I don't know what came over me. Do you suppose we could pretendit never happened and start over... - Look, Your Majesty, I just...- Please. Call me Dad. Dad. We both acted like ogres. Maybe we just need some timeto get to know each other. Excellent idea! I was actually hopingyou might join me for a morning hunt. A little father-son time? I know it would meanthe world to Fiona. [sighs] Shall we say, : by the old oak? [birds twitter] [Shrek] Face it, Donkey!We're lost. We can't be lost. We followedthe King's instructions exactly. "Head to thedarkest part of the woods..." "Past the sinister treeswith scary-looking branches." - The bush shaped like Shirley Bassey!- We passed that three times already! You were the one who saidnot to stop for directions. Oh, great. My one chanceto fix things up with Fiona's dad and I end up lostin the woods with you! Don't get huffy!I'm only trying to help. I know! I know. - I'm sorry, all right?- Hey, don't worry about it. I just really need to makethings work with this guy. Yeah, sure. Now let's gobond with Daddy. [purring] [purring] Well, well, well, Donkey. I know it was kind of a tendermoment back there, but the purring? What? I ain't purring. Sure. What's next? A hug? Hey, Shrek. Donkeys don't purr.What do you think I am, some kind of a... Ha-ha!Fear me, if you dare! [hisses] Look! A little cat. - Look out, Shrek! He got a piece!- It's a cat, Donkey. Come here,little kitty, kitty. Come on, little kitty. Come here.Oh! Come here, little kitty. - [screaming]- Whoa! - Hold on, Shrek! I'm coming!- Come on! Get it off! Get it off! Oh, God. Oh... No! - Look out, Shrek! Hold still!- Get it off! Shrek! Hold still! - Did I miss?- No. You got them. Now, ye ogre, pray for mercy from... Puss... in Boots! I'll kill that cat! Ah-ha-ha! [coughs] [wheezes] [retches] [coughs] - [chuckles] Hairball.- Oh! That is nasty! What should we do with him? Take the sword and neuter him.Give him the Bob Barker treatment. Oh, no! Por favor!Please! I implore you!It was nothing personal, Señor. I was doing it only for my family. My mother, she is sick.And my father lives off the garbage! The King offered me much in goldand I have a litter of brothers... Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona's father paid you to do this? The rich King? Sí. [screams] Well, so much for Dad's royal blessing. Don't feel bad. Almost everybodythat meets you wants to kill you. Gee, thanks. Maybe Fiona would've been better offif I were some sort of Prince Charming. That's what the King said. Oh, uh... sorry. I thought that questionwas directed at me. Shrek, Fiona knowsyou'd do anything for her. Well, it's not likeI wouldn't change if I could. I just... I just wishI could make her happy. Hold the phone... "Happiness." "A tear drop away." Donkey! Think of the saddest thingthat's ever happened to you! Aw, man, where do I begin? First there was the time that old farmertried to sell me for some magic beans. Then this fool had a party and he havethe guests trying to pin the tail on me. Then they got drunk and start beating mewith a stick, going "Piñata!!" What is a piñata, anyway? No, Donkey! I need you to cry! Don't go projecting on me. I know you're feeling bad,but you got to... Aaaahhh! You little, hairy,litter-licking sack of... What? Is it on? Is it on? [clears throat] This is Fairy Godmother. I'm either awayfrom my desk or with a client. But if you come by the office, we'll beglad to make you an appointment. Have a "happy ever after." Oh... Are you up for a little quest, Donkey? That's more like it! Shrek and Donkey,on another whirlwind adventure! Ain't no stoppin' us now! Whoo!We're on the move! - Stop, Ogre! I have misjudged you.- Join the club. We've got jackets. On my honor, I am obliged to accompanyyou until I have saved your life as you have spared me mine. The position of annoying talking animalhas already been taken. Let's go, Shrek. Shrek? - Shrek!- Aw, come on, Donkey. Look at him... in his wee little boots. You know, how many cats can wear boots?Honestly. - Let's keep him!- Say what? [purrs] Ahh! Listen. He's purring! - Oh, so now it's cute.- Come on, Donkey. Lighten up. Lighten up? I should lighten up?Look who's telling who to lighten up! Lighten up? I should lighten up?Look who's telling who to lighten up! [giggles] Shrek! [barks] [barks] Shrek? They're both festive, aren't they? What do you think, Harold? Um... Yes, yes.Fine. Fine. [sighs] Try to at least pretend you're interestedin your daughter's wedding ball. Honestly, Lillian,I don't think it matters. How do we know there willeven be a ball? Mom. Dad. - Oh, hello, dear.- What's that, Cedric? Right! Coming. Mom, have you seen Shrek? I haven't.You should ask your father. Be sure and use small words, dear.He's a little slow this morning. - Can I help you, Your Majesty?- Ah, yes! Um... Mmm! Exquisite.What do you call this dish? That would be the dog's breakfast,Your Majesty. Ah, yes. Very good, then.Carry on, Cedric. - Dad? Dad, have you seen Shrek?- No, I haven't, dear. I'm sure he just went off to look fora nice... mud hole to cool down in. You know, after yourlittle spat last night. Oh. You heard that, huh? The whole kingdom heard you. I mean, after all,it is in his nature to be... well, a bit of a brute. Him? You know, you didn't exactlyroll out the Welcome Wagon. Well, what did you expect?Look at what he's done to you. Shrek loves me for who I am. I would think you'd be happy for me. Darling, I'm just thinking aboutwhat's best for you. Maybe you should do the same. [both whisper] No, really? [both laugh] [Shrek] Shh... Oh... [hooter blasts] Oh, no. That's the old Keebler's place.Let's back away slowly. That's the Fairy Godmother's cottage. She's the largest producer of hexesand potions in the whole kingdom. Then why don't we pop in therefor a spell? Ha-ha! Spell! [Puss in Bootsshrieks with laughter] [Puss in Boots] He makes me laugh. Hi. I'm here to see the... The Fairy Godmother.I'm sorry. She is not in. Jerome!Coffee and a Monte Cristo. Now! [sighs] Yes, Fairy Godmother.Right away. Look, she's not seeingany clients today, OK? That's OK, buddy.We're from the union. The union? We represent the workers in all magicalindustries, both evil and benign. Oh! Oh, right. Are you feeling at alldegraded or oppressed? Uh... a little.We don't even have dental. They don't even have dental. Okay, we'll just havea look around. Oh. By the way. I think it'd be better if the Fairy Godmotherdidn't know we were here. - Know what I'm saying? Huh?- Huh? Huh? Huh? - Stop it.- Of course. Go right in. [voices and grinding machines] [explosion] A drop of desire. [giggles] Naughty! A pinch of passion. [laughs] And just a hint of... lust! [laughs] - [Shrek] Excuse me.- [gasps] Sorry to barge in like this... What in Grimm's nameare you doing here? Well, it seemsthat Fiona's not exactly happy. Oh-ho-ho! And there's some questionas to why that is? Well, let's explore that, shall we? Ah. P, P, P...Princess. Cinderella. Here we are."Lived happily ever after." Oh... [laughs] No ogres! Let's see. Snow White. A handsome prince.Oh, no ogres. Sleeping Beauty. Oh, no ogres! Hansel and Gretel? No!Thumbelina? No. The Golden Bird,the Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman... No, no, no, no, no! You see, ogres don'tlive happily ever after. All right, look, lady! Don't you point...those dirty green sausages at me! Your Monte Cristo and coffee. Oh! Sorry. Ah... that's okay. We were just leaving. Very sorry to have wasted your time,Miss Godmother. Just... go. Come on, guys. [whistles tune] TGIF, eh, buddy? Working hard or hardly working,eh, Mac? Get your fine Corinthian footwearand your cat cheeks out of my face! Man, that stinks! You don't exactly smell likea basket of roses. - Well, one of these has got to help.- I was just concocting this very plan! Already our minds are becoming one. Whoa, whoa. If we need an expert onlicking ourselves, we'll give you a call. Shrek, this is a bad idea. Look. Make yourself usefuland go keep watch. Puss, do you think youcould get to those on top? No problema, boss.In one of my nine lives, I was the great cat burglarof Santiago de Compostela. Ha-ha-ha-ha! Shrek, are you off your nut? Donkey, keep watch. Keep watch?Yeah, I'll keep watch. I'll watch that wicked witch come andwhammy a world of hurt up your backside. I'll laugh, too.I'll be giggling to myself. - What do you see?- Toad Stool Softener? I'm sure a nice BM is the perfect solutionfor marital problems. - Elfa Seltzer?- Uh-uh. - Hex Lax?- No! Try "handsome." Sorry. No handsome. Hey! How about "Happily Ever After"? Well, what does it do? It says "Beauty Divine." In some cultures, donkeys are reveredas the wisest of creatures. Especially us talking ones. [gasps] Donkey! That'll have to do.We've got company. Can we get on with this? Hurry! Nice catch, Donkey! Finally! A good use for your mouth. [ Pete Yorn: Ever Fallen In Love] Come on! You spurn my natural emotions You make me feel like dirtand I'm hurt And if I start a commotion I run the risk of losing youand that's worse Ever fallen in love with someone,ever fallen in love In love with someone,ever fallen in love In love with someoneyou shouldn't have fallen in love with Ever fallen in love with someone,ever fallen in love In love with someone,ever fallen in love With someoneyou shouldn't have fallen in love with Fallen in love with Ever fallen in love with someoneyou shouldn't have fallen in love with I don't care whose fault it is.Just get this place cleaned up! And somebody bring me somethingdeep fried and smothered in chocolate! - Mother!- Charming. Sweetheart. This isn't a good time, pumpkin.Mama's working. Whoa, what happened here? - The ogre, that's what!- What? Where is he, Mom? I shall rend his headfrom his shoulders! I will smite him where he stands! He will rue the very day he stolemy kingdom from me! Oh, put it away, Junior!You're still going to be king. We'll just have to come upwith something smarter. Pardon. Um... Everything is accounted for,Fairy Godmother, except for one potion. What? Oh... I do believe we can makethis work to our advantage. "Happily Ever After Potion.Maximum strength. "For you and your true love. "If one of you drinks this,you both will be fine. "Happiness, comfortand beauty divine." - You both will be fine?- I guess it means it'll affect Fiona, too. Hey, man, this don't feel right.My donkey senses are tingling all over. Drop that jug o' voodooand let's get out of here. It says, "Beauty Divine."How bad can it be? [sneezes] See, you're allergic to that stuff.You'll have a reaction. And if you think that I'll be smearingVapor Rub over your chest, think again! Boss, just in case there is somethingwrong with the potion... allow me to take the first sip. It would be an honor to lay my lifeon the line for you. Oh, no, no. I don't think so. If there'll be any animal testing,I'll do it. That's the best friend's job.Now give me that bottle. How do you feel? I don't feel any different.I look any different? You still look like an ass to me. Maybe it doesn't work on donkeys. - Well, here's to us, Fiona.- Shrek? - You drink that, there's no going back.- I know. - No more wallowing in the mud?- I know. - No more itchy butt crack?- I know! - But you love being an ogre!- I know! But I love Fiona more. Shrek, no! Wait! [gurgling] [farts] Got to be... I think you grabbedthe "Farty Ever After" potion. Maybe it's a dud. Or maybe Fiona and Iwere never meant to be. Or maybe Fiona and Iwere never meant to be. [thunder rumbles] Uh-oh. What did I tell you?I feel something coming on. I don't want to die.I don't want to die. I don't want to die! Oh, sweet sister, mother of mercy.I'm melting! I'm melting! It's just the rain, Donkey. [chuckles] Oh. Don't worry. Things seem badbecause it's dark and rainy and Fiona's father hireda sleazy hitman to whack you. [hisses] lt'll be better in the morning.You'll see... The sun'll come out... Tomorrow [yawns] Bet your bottom... Bet my bottom? I'm coming, Elizabeth! Donkey? Are you all right? - Hey, boss. Let's shave him.- D-Donkey? [groans] [Puss In Boots shrieks] There you are!We missed you at dinner. What is it, darling? Dad... I've been thinkingabout what you said. And I'm going to set things right. Ah! Excellent!That's my girl. It was a mistake to bring Shrek here. I'm going to go out and find him. And then we'll go backto the swamp where we belong. [Lillian] Fiona, please! Let's not be rash, darling.You can't go anywhere right now. [rain patters] [Both] Fiona! Look, I told you he was here.Look at him! Quiet. Look at him. [Shrek groans] Good morning, sleepyhead. [Shrek shouts] [All] Good morning! We love your kitty! - [Shrek] Oh... My head...- Here, I fetched a pail of water. Thanks. Uhh! Aahh! Oh... A cute button nose? Thick, wavy locks? Taut, round buttocks? I'm... I'm... - Gorgeous!- I'll say. I'm Jill. What's your name? - Um... Shrek.- Shrek? Wow. Are you from Europe? - You're tense.- I want to rub his shoulders. - I got it covered.- I don't have anything to rub. Get in line. Get in line. - Have you seen my donkey?- Who are you calling donkey? - Donkey? You're a...- A stallion, baby! I can whinny. [whinnies]I can count. Look at me, Shrek!I'm trotting! That's some quality potion.What's in that stuff? "Oh, don't take the potion,Mr. Boss, it's very bad." Pah! "Warning: Side effects may includeburning, itching, oozing, weeping. "Not intended for heart patientsor those with... nervous disorders." I'm trotting, I'm trotting in place! Yeah! What? Señor? "To make the effectsof this potion permanent, "the drinker must obtain histrue love's kiss by midnight." Midnight?Why is it always midnight? - Pick me! I'll be your true love!- I'll be your true love. I'll be true... enough. Look, ladies, I already have a true love. [all] Oh... And take it from me, Boss. You are going to haveone satisfied Princess. And let's face it.You are a lot easier on the eyes. Inside you're the sameold mean, salty... - Easy....cantankerous, foul, angry ogre you always been. And you're still the sameannoying donkey. - Yeah.- [sighs] Well... Look out, Princess.Here comes the new me. First things first. - We need to get you out of those clothes.- [all gasp] - Ready?- Ready! - [Donkey screams]- Driver, stop! Oh, God! Help me, please!My racing days are over! I'm blind! Tell the truth. Will I ever play the violin again? You poor creature! Is there anythingI can do for you? Well, I guess there is one thing. Take off the powdered wigand step away from your drawers. - Not bad.- Not bad at all. [both laugh] Father?Is everything all right, Father? Thank you, gentlemen!Someday, I will repay you. Unless, of course,I can't find you or if I forget. - [whinnies]- [Puss in Boots, in angry Spanish] [ Butterfly Boocher: Changes] [ Butterfly Boocher: Changes] Oh, yeah Turn and face the strange Ch-Ch-Changes Don't wanna be a richer one Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes Turn and face the strange Ch-Ch-Changes Just gonna have to bea different man Time may change me But I can't trace time Halt! Tell Princess Fiona her husband,Sir Shrek, is here to see her. Still don't know whatI was looking for And my time was running wild,a million dead-end streets Every time I thoughtI'd got it made It seemed the tastewas not so sweet - [screams]- Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes Turn and face the strange - Shrek?- Ch-Ch-Changes Don't wanna be a richer one Time may change me But I can't trace time Fiona? Hello, handsome. Shrek! - Princess!- Donkey? Wow! That potionworked on you, too? What potion? Shrek and I took some magic potion.And well... Now, we're sexy! Shrek? [purrs] For you, baby... I could be. - Yeah, you wish.- Donkey, where is Shrek? He went inside looking for you. Shrek? Fiona! Fiona! You want to dance, pretty boy? Are you going so soon?Don't you want to see your wife? Fiona? Shrek? Aye, Fiona. It is me. What happened to your voice? The potion changeda lot of things, Fiona. But not the way I feel about you. Fiona? - Charming?- Do you think so? [laughs] Dad. I was so hopingyou'd approve. - Um... Who are you?- Mom, it's me, Shrek. I know you never get a second chanceat a first impression, but, well, what do you think? [Shrek in distance] Fiona! Fiona! Fiona! - Fiona!- Fiona, Fiona! Ho-ho-ho! Oh, shoot! I don't think theycan hear us, pigeon. [sighs deeply] Don't you think you've alreadymessed her life up enough? I just wanted her to be happy. And now she can be. Oh, sweetheart. She's finally foundthe prince of her dreams. But look at me.Look what I've done for her. It's time you stop livingin a fairy tale, Shrek. She's a princess,and you're an ogre. That's something no amountof potion will ever change. But... I love her. If you really love her... you'll let her go. [ Nick Cave: People Ain't No Good] [ Nick Cave: People Ain't No Good] Shrek? Señor. What's going on?Where are you going? You wouldn't have had anything to dowith this, would you, Harold? People just ain't no good I think that's well understood There you go, boys. Just leave the bottle, Doris. Hey. Why the long face? It was all just a stupid mistake. I never should have rescued herfrom that tower in the first place. I hate Mondays. I can't believe you'd walk away fromthe best thing that happened to you. What choice do I have? She loves that pretty boy,Prince Charming. Come on. Is he reallythat good-looking? Are you kidding?He's gorgeous! He has a face that looks likeit was carved by angels. - Oh. He sounds dreamy.- You know... shockingly, this isn'tmaking me feel any better. Look, guys.It's for the best. Mom and Dad approve, and Fiona gets the manshe's always dreamed of. Everybody wins. Except for you. I don't get it, Shrek.You love Fiona. Aye. And that's whyI have to let her go. Excuse me, is she here? She's, uh... in the back. Oh, hello again. Fairy Godmother. Charming. You'd better have a good reasonfor dragging us down here, Harold. Well, I'm afraid Fiona isn't really...warming up to Prince Charming. - FYI, not my fault.- No, of course it's not, dear. I mean,how charming can I be when I have to pretendI'm that dreadful ogre? No, no, it's nobody's fault. Perhaps it's best if we justcall the whole thing off, okay? - [both] What?- You can't force someone to fall in love! I beg to differ.I do it all the time! Have Fiona drink this and she'll fall in lovewith the first man she kisses, which will be Charming. - Umm... no.- What did you say? I can't. I won't do it. Oh, yes, you will. If you remember, I helped youwith your happily ever after. And I can take it awayjust as easily. Is that what you want? Is it? - No.- Good boy. Now, we have to go. I need to do Charming's hairbefore the ball. He's hopeless.He's all high in the front. He can never get to the back.You need someone to do the back. Oh. Thank you, Mother. [Donkey] Mother? Um... Mary! A talking horse! The ogre! Stop them! Thieves! Bandits!Stop them! (Announcer) The abs are faband it's gluteus to the maximus here at tonight's Far, Far AwayRoyal Ball blowout! The coaches are lined upas the cream of the crop pours out of them like Miss Muffet's curds and whey. Everyone who's anyonehas turned out to honor Princess Fionaand Prince Shrek. And, oh my,the outfits look gorgeous! Look! Hansel and Gretel! What the heck are the crumbs for? And right behind them,Tom Thumb and Thumbelina! - Oh, aren't they adorable!- [screaming] [woman] Here comes Sleeping Beauty! Tired old thing. Who's this? Who's this?Who is this? Oh. It's the one, it's the only... It's the Fairy Godmother! Hello, Far, Far Away! Can I get a whoop whoop? May all your endings be happy and... Well, you know the rest! We'll be right back with the RoyalFar, Far Away Ball after these messages. I hate these ball shows. They bore me to tears.Flip over to Wheel Of Torture! I'm not flipping anywhere, sir,until I see Shrek and Fiona. Whizzes on you guys. Hey, mice, pass me a buffalo wing! No, to your left. Your left! - Tonight on "Knights"...- Now here's a good show! We got a white bronco heading eastinto the forest. Requesting backup. It's time to teach these madcap mammals their "devil may mare" attitudesjust won't fly. Why you grabbing me?Police brutality! I have to talk to Princess Fiona! - We warned you!- Ow! Ow! Did someone let the cat out of the bag? You capitalist pig dogs! [shrieks] - Catnip!- That's not mine. Find Princess Fiona! I'm a donkey! Tell her Shrek...I'm her husband, Shrek! Quick! Rewind it! I'm her husband, Shrek! Ow! [knock on door] Darling? Ah. I thought I mightfind you here. How about a nice hot cupof tea before the ball? I'm not going. The whole Kingdom's turned outto celebrate your marriage. There's just one problem.That's not my husband. I mean, look at him. Yes, he is a bit different, but people changefor the ones they love. You'd be surprised how muchI changed for your mother. Change? He's completely lost his mind! Why not come down to the balland give him another chance? You might find you likethis new Shrek. But it's the old oneI fell in love with, Dad. I'd give anything to have him back. Darling. That's mine. Decaf. Otherwise I'm up all night. Thanks. I got to get out of here! I got to get out of here! You can't lock us up like this!Let me go! What about my Miranda rights? You're supposed to sayI have the right to remain silent. Nobody said I have the rightto remain silent! You have the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity. I must hold on before I, too,go totally mad. Shrek? Donkey? Too late. Gingy! Pinocchio!Get us out of here! Oh... [ Theme from Mission Impossible] Fire in ze hole! [explosion, rumbling] Look out below! Quick! Tell a lie! - What should I say?- Anything, but quick! Say something crazy like"I'm wearing ladies' underwear!" I am wearing ladies' underwear. - Are you?- I most certainly am not! It looks like youmost certainly am are! - I am not!- What kind? - It's a thong!- Oww! They're briefs! - Are not.- Are too! - Are not!- Are too! Here we go. Hang tight. [Donkey] Wait, wait, wait!Ow! Ow! Hey, hey, hey! Ow! - Excuse me?- What? Puss! Pardon me, would youmind letting me go? - Sorry, boss.- Quit messing around! We've got to stop that kiss! I thought you was goingto let her go. I was, but I can't let themdo this to Fiona. Boom! That's what I like to hear.Look who's coming around! It's impossible!We'll never get in. The castle's guarded.There's a moat and everything! Folks, it looks like we're up chocolatecreek without a Popsicle stick. - What?- Do you still know the Muffin Man? Well, sure!He's down on Drury Lane. Why? Because we're gonna need flour. Lots and lots of flour. Gingy! Fire up the ovens, Muffin Man!We've got a big order to fill! [evil chuckle] [Gingy] It's alive! [rattling] [gasping] [whinnies] Run, run, run,as fast you can! [screaming] Go, baby, go! There it is, Mongo!To the castle! [Shrek] No, you great stupid pastry!Come on! [all shout] [Donkey] Mongo! Down here!Look at the pony! That's right! Follow the pretty pony! Pretty pony wants to playat the castle! [Mongo] Pretty pony. Ladies and gentlemen. Presenting Princess Fionaand her new husband, Prince Shrek. [applause, cheering] Shrek, what are you doing? I'm just playing the part, Fiona. Is that glitter on your lips? Mm. Cherry flavored.Want to taste? - Ugh! What is with you?- But, Muffin Cake... [piano plays] C Minor, put it in C Minor. Ladies and gentlemen. [applause, cheering] I'd like to dedicate this song to... Princess Fiona and Prince Shrek. Fiona, my Princess. Will you honor me with a dance? Where have all the good men gone And where are all the gods? [all chant] Dance! Where's the streetwise Hercules To fight the rising odds? Since when do you dance? Fiona, my dearest,if there's one thing I know, it's that love is full of surprises. Late at night I toss and I turn And I dream of what I need Hit it! I need a hero All right, big fella!Let's crash this party! Man the catapults! Aim! Fire! - Brace yourselves!- Ooh! Purty! [groaning] Not the gumdrop button! [enraged howling] Incoming! Ha-ha! All right! Somewhere after midnightIn my wildest fantasy Go, Mongo! Go! Man the cauldrons! After you, Mongo. - That's it! Heave-ho!- Watch out! Shrek! More heat, less foam! Up where the mountainsMeet the heavens above Out where the lightningSplits the sea I could swear there is someoneSomewhere watching me Heave! Ho! [Gingy, slow-motion] No...! [Mongo groans] [whistles] Come on! [cheering] Look out! - Be good.- [weeping bitterly] [sobbing] He needs me!Let me go! Donkey! Puss! Go! Go! Your lady needs you! Go! Today, I repay my debt. [all] Aww... [growling] On guard! He's gotta be strongAnd he's gotta be fast And he's gotta be freshFrom the fight - I need a hero - Stop! [Donkey whinnies] - Hey, you! Back away from my wife.- Shrek? You couldn't just go back to your swampand leave well enough alone. - Now!- Pigs und blanket! Pinocchio! Get the wand! I see London! I see France! Whah! I'm a real boy! Ah! Ah! Aaahhh! Catch! Donkey! Oh! I'm a real boy. Aah! Oh! - Ha!- Ah. That's mine! Pray for mercy, from Puss... And Donkey! She's taken the potion!Kiss her now! No! - Hi-ya!- [crowd gasp] - Fiona.- Shrek. Harold! You were supposedto give her the potion! Well, I guess I gave herthe wrong tea. - [Charming] Mommy!- Mommy? [growls] I told you. Ogres don't live happily ever after. [screams] Woo! Ha! [breathes deeply] [gasping] Oh, Dad! [sobbing] - Is he...?- Yup. [croaking] He croaked. Harold? Dad? I'd hoped you'd neversee me like this. - And he gave you a hard time!- Donkey! No, no, he's right.I'm sorry. To both of you. I only wanted whatwas best for Fiona. But I can see now... she already has it. Shrek, Fiona... Will you acceptan old frog's apologies... and my blessing? Harold?I'm sorry, Lillian. I just wish I could bethe man you deserve. You're more that man todaythan you ever were... warts and all. [ribbits] [clock chimes] [clock chimes] Boss! The Happily Ever After Potion! Midnight! Fiona. Is this what you want? To be this way forever? - What?- Because if you kiss me now... we can stay like this. You'd do that? - For me?- Yes. I want what any princess wants. To live happily ever after... with the ogre I married. Whatever happens,I must not cry! You cannot make me cry! [sobbing] [clock chimes] Whoa! No. No, no.Aaah! Ow. Oh, no. [sighs] [laughs] Hey. You still look likea noble steed to me. [giggles] Now, where were we? Oh. I remember. [giggling] [applause] Hey! Isn't we supposedto be having a fiesta? Uno, dos, quatro, hit it! [ Eddie Murphy/Antonio Banderas:Livin' La Vida Loca] [ Eddie Murphy/Antonio Banderas:Livin' La Vida Loca] Puss and Donkey, y'all... She's into superstitions Black cats and voodoo dolls - Sing it, Puss!- I feel a premonition That girl's gonna make me fall Here we go! She's into new sensations New kicks in the candlelight She's got a new addiction For every day and night She'll make you take your clothes off And go dancing in the rain She'll make you live her crazy life But she'll take away your pain Like a bullet to your brain Upside inside out Living la vida loca Hey gorgeous! Living la vida loca Her lips are devil red And her skin's the color of mocha She will wear you out - Living la vida loca- [Donkey] She livin' it loca! Living la vida loca - [Donkey] Say it one more time now!- Living the vida loca [Puss in Boots jamming] [Puss in Boots]Hey, Donkey, that's Spanish! She'll push and pull you down Living la vida loca She will wear you out Living la vida loca Living la vida loca She'll push and pull you down Living the vida loca Her lips are devil red And her skin's the color of mocha She will wear you out Living la vida loca Living la vida loca Living la vida loca Living la vida loca All by myself All by myself Don't wanna be All by myself anymore... Amigo, we are offto the Kit-Kat Club. Come on, join us. Thanks, compadre.I'm... I'm not in the mood. We will cheer you up!Find you a nice burro! [shrieking] Hey, baby! Hey, that's my girl!Yeah! All right! Baby, where you been? - [cries]- I'm sorry, too. I should've stayed.But Shrek had this thing he had to do. What? Say it one more time. What you talking about?Are you serious? - [cooing]- [gasping] - Papa!- [screaming] - [cooing, squealing]- [chuckling] Look at our little mutant babies! [Donkey] I got to get a job. [Donkey] I got to get a job.
