sincerely, amity

missing you

Luz finished yet another school day and made her way to the cemetery, just as she promised. It had been a few days since her breakdown, and she'd yet to have another. That was good, she thought. She sat in front of the grave, placing her bag next to her. Looking at the sky, she zipped up her jacket, seeing that the clouds coming might make it colder than it already was. She sat in silence for a bit, staring at Amity's name engraved on the stone. She drew little circles in the dead grass where the grave marker would soon be.

"Today was hard. Every day without you is hard, but this one in particular really stood out," Luz spoke. "We had your memorial at school today. The whole school showed up, even all of the teachers. Everyone really misses you, Ams,"

Luz swallowed the lump in her throat, her eyes beginning to water.

"Ed and Em gave a speech for you. Your dad hasn't spoken much whenever I see him. I don't know how long it's been.." She trailed off. "I don't need to talk about your mom. The school had purple flowers for you. Purple roses, lots of people brought them. They held a candle lighting, too. Everyone got a small white candle, I helped Bump pick everything out. Lot's of people all over the town pitched in to help pay for it. We had so much left over, Bump is using it to give the healing track more advanced technology,"

She smiled to herself as she realized how much Amity meant to that school. She reached into her bag and pulled out the diary.

"I brought this today, I thought it would be easier to read with you,"

She took a deep breath and opened the book to the last page she read.

July 5th

I haven't written in a while. The surgery went well for the most part, except they found the reason for the pain in my side. Apparently my kidneys are infected or something? My blood pressure was extremely high before they replaced my feeding tube, so they had to give me some kind of shot before they could safely do it. The doctors said my blood was thinning during the surgery, so they sent my old tube and a blood sample to a lab, and it's my kidneys.

Willow and Gus visit every so often. Luz hardly ever leaves, the nurses have to kick her out. She sits next to me and holds my hand. We don't speak much, but it's enough to make me feel better.

I'm not ready to die. I don't know if my kidneys will speed up the process or not. Every day seems to drag on. More and more nurses enter my room, with more and more tubes and medicines. Why are they trying to keep me alive? I'm going to die anyway, so there's no point. Sometimes I wish I would die faster. The slow burn of watching hearts break more every day is too overwhelming. The faster I can die, the less people can get attached to me.

Everything I say seems selfish. I don't want to die, but I wish I could die faster. I want everyone to remember me, but I don't want to slow anyone down.

It isn't about me, it's about everyone around me. Everyone I'm affecting. I watch everyone live to see me die. See? Titan, 'I watch' 'I'm affecting'. This isn't about me, but I always find a way to make it be.

I'm selfish for dying. My parents are spending all their money on me, my friends spend all their time on me. I wonder how it could be if none of this ever happened. Maybe the group could all be together right now. We'd take late night walks, and go out to eat, and go to the beach. I could stay with Luz at the owl house, and we'd have sleepovers.

But that's not how I'm spending my summer. I'm spending my summer rotting away.

Sincerely, Amity

Luz stifled a sob as she wiped her eyes and nose with her sleeve.

"I didn't want you to die either, Amity," Her voice trembled. "One day, we're gonna have the most elite sleepover. Me, you, Willow, Gus, Hunter, and whoever else you want to come. We'll take a late night walk on the beach after going out to eat, and It'll be awesome. I promise. Wait for me, Mi Amor,"

Luz kissed her finger tips and brought them to Amity's gravestone, softly pulling them away.

"I try not to cry, but it's really hard. I know you wouldn't want me to. I miss you. I miss seeing you between classes. I miss walking you home. I miss our weekend trips to town. I started volunteering at the library for you, someone has to read to the kids. They really like Azura, I guess they get it from the best," Luz chuckled. "They really miss you, too. A few of the older kids understand, but the babies just think you're on vacation. I wish you were, Amity. I wish you would come home,"

She paused, taking in reality.

"But I know you won't, and I would do anything I could to change that,"

She turned behind her to see the stars were slowly poking through the clouds, signaling her dismissal.

"I love you, batata. I'll see you tomorrow,"

And with that, she packed the diary in her backpack, zipped it up, and began her walk home. Talking to Amity took a huge weight off her shoulders, it reminded her of how life used to be.

Even if she never talked back. Luz was okay with that. She began to notice she was okay with a lot of things now. Maybe she was healing, maybe she was lying to herself. She didn't care, whatever it was, it felt right.